Random thoughts

This morning my thoughts are scattered, but in a semi- organized way, if that's possible.  I think it has something to do with the approaching reality that I will soon be sprung from my "enforced rest" and allowed the privilege of re-entering life as I once knew it.  I hope I will re-enter it a different person.  I have been radically changed and I hope it has been for the better.

I have realized that a piece of my sense of self- worth had its basis in accomplishments (not that they have been of any particular significance in the whole scheme of things).  Another realization is that I took my good health completely for granted.  And yet another is that I could have been far more compassionate and caring than I was.  

I have learned that a major health challenge is not necessarily a bad thing.  I have gained a new appreciation for the kindness of others.  I have especially come to see a new depth in the love I have for my husband and the love he has for me.

Above all, I have discovered so much more about the sufficiency of my God.  He has met me at each of my needs, having charted my path even before I knew what that path would be.  He took me to a new level of dependence, both physically and spiritually, and when I had no earthly direction left, there He was, waiting patiently.  I hope I have finally and forever learned the simple but profound lesson that I always need to seek Him first, not just when my earthly options have run out.

I think of our Marine son, Chris, who first had to experience Boot Camp during which he was mentally and physically stripped of his former self and then rebuilt as a United States Marine.  I have indeed experienced Spiritual Boot Camp.  I have had all my earthly props removed and have been redesigned as a woman with a new appreciation of what my foundation should be. It has not always been a pleasant experience but for it I am so very grateful.  And there's so much more.

This may not be the most coherent of all my posts but that's where I am today. Thanks for bearing with me.

On the health front:

The constant fatigue has morphed into semi- constant fatigue so I suspect something positive is occurring inside.  I measure my energy level by meager accomplishments, such as being able to dry and style my hair standing up rather than sitting down and I've had a week in a standing position😊

I suspect that the hemoglobin and platelet counts are still unsatisfactory based on the occurrence of a relatively insignificant bumping of my arm that resulted in a bruise the size of a small lemon. (TMI?)

My weekly blood draws are continuing and our real day of celebration will occur when I hear from the oncologist's office that all is normal on the numbers front and I can cease those weekly visits.

Lots to be thankful for these days.

Love and Pray

Wonderful reflection by David H. Roper in Our Daily Bread today. Since getting older is his focus, I can relate!

Throughout this still somewhat unpredictable adventure I've often been reminded of how the aging process has seemed to accelerate since my diagnosis last October.  Depending on my mood of the moment, this can be discouraging or it won't bother me at all.  Today it is not discouraging, so off we go!

Mr. Roper reminds me that even as my body loses its ability to do the things it once could do, I can still love and I can still pray.  And there is so much to love and so many people and situations about which to pray that I never need fear running out of opportunities. 

"Love and prayer are mighty works indeed, the mightiest works for any of us.  Why?  Because our God, Who wants to use us, is an all-loving and all-powerful God."-David H. Roper (Our Daily Bread).

And I especially like this quote:

"In a popular children's book, Winnie the Pooh watches Kanga bound away. 'I wish I could jump like that', he thinks.  'Some can and some can't. That's how it is'."-Contributed by David H. Roper.

Life and all it entails has become even more precious since having cancer.  It is my privilege to love and to pray while I walk this earth.

"They will still bear fruit in old age; they will stay fresh and green."-Psalm 92:14 (NIV)

On the health front:

As of 8:20 AM all is well😊

Rest

I'm surrounded by silence this morning.  Carson has headed north for a well-deserved day of calling his own shots and I have the luxury of sipping coffee, still in my bathrobe at 8:00 AM.  It looks as if it will be a day of rest.

Yesterday I was wonderfully overwhelmed by inspiration from several sources and it was tough to choose one topic for my post, so today I'm re-visiting one of those topics.

"Rest" has taken up much of this journey through cancer. In the past I thought of rest as something within my control.  Rest was a peaceful state, one that was chosen when needed and pleasant in nature.  Then I was introduced to enforced rest.  My body was put into a place where I had nothing to say about when I rested and this new enforced rest was often accompanied by pain and discomfort. I eventually recognized that a common component of rest, whether chosen or enforced, was healing.

Today I am privileged to be able to choose rest. I have been given permission to do it, actually. 

"Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.  The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.....Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling)

As this aged body seeks its new path I take such encouragement in knowing that I have a hand to hold that will never loosen its grip.  Who couldn't rest knowing that!

"I am with you and will watch you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."-Genesis 28:15 (NIV).

On the health front:

I thoroughly enjoyed spending early Thursday afternoon in the comfort of my own home rather than attached to a chemo pole. Thursday evening brought a low fever but it didn't go anywhere so I'm happy to report that there is nothing of significance to report😊

Strength

Today's reflections in Streams in the Desert really resonate with me this morning. The main topic is strength, and it's not surprising that I can identify with the subject since strength in several of its forms has been perhaps my biggest challenge on this journey through cancer.  Even before getting out of bed in the morning I do a mental "strength assessment". How strong do I feel physically? How strong do I feel mentally and spiritually?  And there is usually a different answer each morning.

I have been tested at every level of strength and I will honestly admit that I have not passed every test with flying colors.  I have gone through the "I just can't do this!" stage to the "I can do this!" and back again on a regular basis.  But I have ceased to beat myself up over my lack of consistency and have gratefully given in to the comfort of resting in the arms of my Great Physician, knowing that He will meet my needs whenever and wherever.  It's His strength that is consistent and for that reason mine doesn't have to be.

"The Lord is my strength to go up.  He is to me the power by which I can climb the Hill of Difficulty and not be afraid.  

The Lord is my strength to go down.  It is when we leave the bracing heights, where the wind and sun have been about us, and when we begin to come down the hill into closer and more sultry spheres, that the heart is apt to grow faint.

The Lord is my strength to go on.  He gives us the power to tread the dead level, to walk the long lane that seems never to have a turning, to go through those long reaches of life which afford no pleasant surprises, and which depress the spirits in the sameness of terrible drudgery."-The Silver Lining (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).

Lovely!  Couldn't have said it better myself.

"Do not grieved, for the joy of The Lord is your strength."-Nehemiah 8:10b (NIV).

On the health front:

No particular challenges this morning.  I am a happy woman😄

Perserverance

Today's forecast promises 106 degree weather so I'm going back into My Father's Vineyard where it's always cool and pleasant.

It's almost eerie how the chapters I'm reading in this beautiful book parallel the seasons I'm going through on this journey, but nothing happens without a reason so I read on in amazement, learning so much along the way.

Wayne Jacobsen continues to recall the seasons spent as a child in his earthly father's vineyard in California's San Joaquin Valley. He has brought me through Winter and Spring, and now it's Summer, the time for the maturing of the grapes.  The beauty of the Spring's exploding beauty has passed and the keeper of the vineyard is working hard at maintaining the grapes in this season between promise and harvest.

Mr. Jacobsen suggests that this season between promise and harvest exists in my life as well.  

First came the dormant season of Winter, a season of deadness that might describe the time around my diagnosis.  Nothing looked promising.  Everything looked lifeless, blanketed in coldness.  But after a period of deadness followed the promise of Spring as the decisions for treatment began that would hold the possibility of life and new growth.  The weeds of cancer would be destroyed and the new growth of healthy cells could begin.  This would be a season of beauty, of hope.

It's now Summer, both both physically and spiritually.  The treatment has ended but the routines of irrigation and cultivation that the farmer must maintain in the summer vineyard must be continued in my body as well.  I must persevere in attention to it and how it speaks to me of its needs.  This is not the time to drop the tools of cultivation as I look forward to the season of harvest, the season of enjoying a body that is healthy once again.  The Father of my vineyard never fails to provide the tools I need in order to realize the abundant harvest that I fully expect, and I thank Him constantly.

I also thank BFF Pat every time I enter My Father's Vineyard. It speaks to me every time.

"I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins.  I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw:  A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man."-Proverbs 24:30-34 (NIV).

On the health front:

A phone call from the oncologist's office yesterday revealed that my white blood cell count is low but not of major concern, so no more Neupogen for this week, at least.  Yay!  The areas of concern are my hemoglobin and platelet counts.  The oncology nurse said that as long as I am asymptomatic (no symptoms) I will not require a blood transfusion.  My main goal is to remain asymptomatic😊

Celebrating the day

I'm posting a bit late today but a nice result of the lateness of the hour is that it has given me more time to experience the truth of Sarah Young's paraphrase of Jesus' words where I am encouraged to receive each day as a gift.  (Whew....that was a long sentence!)  I'm reminded again that before my feet hit the floor this morning my day had already been planned for me.  My job is to receive it with thanksgiving regardless of what it may bring.

My friend and cancer- sister, Joyce, helps me to celebrate each day.  She recently sent me a beautiful Footprints plaque.  It reminds me every morning that when I walk side by side with Jesus and at times see only one set of footprints, He has not left my side but is carrying me. What an incredible reality!

So, it's short but very sweet this morning as I thank Him for another day of precious life and sing, if only mentally, "This is the day that The Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it!"  (Psalm 118:24).

Love those psalms and love the writings of Sarah Young!

"Let us come before Him with thanksgiving and extol Him with music and song."-Psalm 95:2 (NIV).

On the health front:

It has been a busy morning.  It's blood draw day and Neupogen day and so far, absolutely nothing negative to report.  It's a great day!

My Pilot

Bill Crowder, writing for Our Daily Bread, uses the example of a flight simulator to kick my brain into gear this morning.  He talks about the many hours spent in flight simulators by pilots in training.  The pilots are put into situations in which life and death decisions must be made.  They work their way through those situations with varying results and even when their simulator planes crash to the ground, the pilots walk away unscathed.  Unfortunately, as Crowder points out, life isn't like that.  We have no "life simulators" in which we can take practice runs, experience the results of our life choices and then employ the choices that have yielded the most satisfactory results, walking away unscathed.

I think back to the beginning of our journey through cancer and wonder if it would have been beneficial to have had a "cancer simulator" where I could have experimented with different choices, then walked away unscathed, having experienced, albeit artificially, the effects of my poor choices along the way and knowing to avoid them later on.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it would not have been a good thing. As long as I was in the "cancer simulator" I would have had the controls in my hand.  Every move would have depended on my own decisions.  I would have been the pilot through the good choices and the poor choices and I can easily imagine the devastating results of the experience.

I am so grateful when I think back and remember that at no time did I need to hand the controls over to God.  He had the controls firmly in His hand long before our journey began.  And as a result I have not crashed and burned.

Have I walked away unscathed?  I truly hope not!  I never want to forget the pain and trials of this journey. It has been in the times of my greatest discomfort that I have experienced my greatest need for the Pilot and have experienced the ongoing, faithful meeting of those needs by His hand.

The bumper sticker of years past had it completely wrong when it stated, "God is my Co-pilot". Thank you, Lord, that you are my Pilot, no "Co" about it!

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace......."-John 16:33a (NET).

On the health front:

Neupogen today...ugh!

Confidence

The word of the day, or at least for this morning's post, is Confidence.  My dependable e-dictionary defines confidence as:  "Full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness or reliability of a person or thing." That definition will suffice for this morning's musings.

As I reach toward the finish line I'm aware of how many times on this journey it's been necessary to have confidence in people, procedures, machines, theories and medicines, among other things, not having the slightest inkling as to their reliability. I think I have some idea of how a blind person must feel as she sees nothing, yet stretches out her hand, fully trusting in that other person or thing.  

Handing the reins over to the medical community has been scary, but when most choices were removed from a situation we had to take a collective deep breath and trust, having confidence that the few choices that were ours were the correct ones.

How comforting beyond measure is the knowledge that I can have perfect confidence that I am loved by God and that nothing happens in my life that He is not aware of and in which He is not fully involved.  In my ever-shifting world this is the foundation that will never move.  I can have "full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness and reliability"  of a Person Who will never fail me.

Now that's true confidence.

"So know that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God.  He will keep His agreement of love for a thousand lifetimes for people who love Him and keep His commandments."-Deuteronomy 7:9 (NCV).

On the health front:

I had a couple of "Martha Stewart" hours yesterday morning as I experienced a temporary surge of energy that felt very foreign.....and very good!  I enjoyed, and used, every minute of it.

Could it be a preview of things to come???

The Power of Love

Recently my sister, Janet, responded to my blog post on the subject of kindness, drawing my attention to the importance of reminding ourselves of the power of love. 

In this world so full of problems, my first response to life and all it entails has not always been one of love. At the time of my diagnosis I remember feeling shock, unbelief, a feeling of being completely out of control.  I did the usual, "Why me?" before coming to the "Why not me?" stage of acceptance. Nowhere in this process could love be found.  But it was there.

Love first became apparent to me through the love of my family.  I did not have one moment when their love didn't surround me.  Then came the love of friends in waves.  Love came to me in the form of the many kindnesses of the nurses and doctors at the hospital.  And on and on it went.  I felt useless and incompetent, yet surrounded by love at the same time.

Gradually, as I began to adjust to my new reality, my searches into what God had to say about love became an important focus.  I began to understand how His placing me in a wholly dependent position could possibly reflect His love for me when the two just didn't naturally go together.  And here I am today, experiencing His love more completely than ever before.

I am reminded again and again of the reality that love is a decision, not merely a feeling. Countless times I have found it necessary to make the decision to love when it was not a natural inclination and I can't remember a single time when making that decision was the wrong one.

I learn in Scripture that faith can move mountains and I believe that love can move mountains as well. I have been brought from a helpless, weak person whose spirit has been challenged to a strong, confident and hopeful person because of the amazing power of love.....God's love and the love of many beautiful people.

Regardless of our foundational beliefs, we can all find a place for love in our lives. Love means putting self in a secondary position and it is a very valuable exercise from which we all can profit.

So, through this amazing journey through cancer I have learned that focusing on the disease and all the challenges it presents, then responding by constantly complaining about my state, is counter-productive. A far better use of my energy is to use it in the giving and receiving of love.

"Rehearse your troubles to God only."-Mrs. Charles Cowman (Streams in the Desert)

"And now these three remain:  Faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."-1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV).

On the health front:

With a good mental attitude things aren't going too badly.

Next week brings two of the Nasty Shots to jump start my body into remembering to do what it's supposed to do on its own.

Keep praying, please☺

First position

I'm shamelessly leaning on Sarah Young again today for my daily encouragement. She so often meets me at my need in her paraphrases of Jesus' words and her added insights of how I can be encouraged by them.  Today I'm reminded of my need to put Him first and that He will not let me down as I (we) chart my (our) path through this season my life.

As we have walked this journey I have found myself sinking to my lowest points when I focus on the little picture; the day to day discomforts and challenges of not being able to depend upon the things that never failed in the past.  And Wow, is that an easy thing to do!  As Sarah reminds me, if this happens only occasionally, it's a common human behavior, but if I have allowed it to become a pattern, I need a re-focusing of my priorities.  It's the big picture that is, and always has been, the important one.

Now that I'm approaching a pause in our journey through cancer, I have been giving much thought to this blog.  My one and only reason for starting it was to give God the glory for His faithfulness at a time when my need was at the greatest it has ever been.  When I have been given the green light to step off into good health and all that it entails, I will be ending the blog.  I will not be ending my dependence on Him, that's for certain, but I will be ending the blog.  At no time will I allow this to become self serving.  Its purpose was always to chronicle our journey through cancer, and should I need to pick up the suitcase again for a subsequent journey, the blog will be resurrected. But I'm still on the journey and will be for a while, so the blog continues and it's back to the subject at hand.

As often happens, my attempts to assimilate the words already put to paper by Mrs. Young and put them into my own pale paraphrase fail, so I choose to quote her at the risk of missing something really important.  Here are her words to me today:

"Putting Me first is not an arbitrary rule; it is the way to live vibrantly, joyfully- close to Me.  It is also the way to live purposefully, letting Me direct your steps.  When I am your top priority, other things fall into their proper place.  So delight yourself in Me, first and foremost.  As you walk in the Light of My presence, I open up the path before you, crowning your efforts with success."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

So, off I go on my journey for today!

"Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37:4 (NIV).

"In everything you do, put God first and He will crown your efforts with success."-Proverbs 3:6 (TLB).

On the health front:

Yesterday was Graduation Day, complete with a diploma from my oncology nurses and balloons from BFF, Pat, who sat with me during treatment.  I was privileged to ring the "Freedom Bell", a miniature version of the Liberty Bell, and I received a round of applause from all the nurses and patients who were receiving their treatments.  Pretty heady stuff!

I was kept grounded, however, by the reminder from my nurse that instant recovery is not a reality and that improvement will be gradual.  My numbers are still extremely low in several areas so I will be receiving two Neupogen shots next week, followed by continued blood draws until the old body takes over on its own.

But...who's complaining!!!  I have taken a giant step along this continuing journey through cancer😊