Playing Second Fiddle

Richard Wayne "Rich" Mullins. I so appreciated who he was, both as a musician and as a man. I cried on that day back in September of 1997 when, just shy of his 42nd birthday, he died.
It was sad to think that there would be no more of the gifts he so freely gave to us through his words and his music.
Rich was passionate about his God and fully sold out to his Savior, Jesus Christ. After he died I did some research on his writings and in the process came upon a small volume of short pieces he had once written for a college newspaper, collected and published after his death by several of his longtime friends. The volume is titled: The World As I Remember It: Through The Eyes of a Ragamuffin. And through the eyes and the words of that Ragamuffin I have been able to gain inspiration along the path of my journey.
The chapter I am reading today, Playing Second Fiddle, focuses on....you guessed it...the fiddle. Rich writes:
"It is always important that a fiddle should remember (and, who would guess that it could forget?) that it is a fiddle-that it is wood and wire and polish and glue-and not much more than that-except, of course, in the caress of a fiddler. There, in that hand, on that shoulder under that chin-all of its lightness delicately balanced and its strings skillfully bowed, it becomes a voice. There, out of that hollow body and thin skin of this peculiarly shaped little box, the fiddler forges his music. There, in a sense, the word becomes flesh, the fiddler's idea becomes concrete, shimmering concrete reality. And this, of course, is what a fiddle dreams of at night, in the dark of its closet, in the stifling closeness of its case."
Further on in the chapter Rich writes:
"Now although a fiddle may never be fooled by the folly of human thinking, very much like us they have pain. Their necks are stiff and their nerves, their strings, are stretched. They feel the friction of the bow.....Their emptiness is for them (as it is for us) a nearly unbearable ache- an ache that is fitted to the shape that makes its tone. And sometimes a fiddle is tempted to fill that void with rags, or glass, or gold, even knowing that, if it should do that, it would never again resonate the intentions of its fiddler. It would never again be alive with his music. It would dull itself to the exquisite heat of the fiddler's will, the deliberate tenderness of his fingers....."

I want to be like that fiddle. I want to be stretched. I want to always believe that without my
Fiddler's hand, I can never make truly beautiful music. I will simply be a hollow instrument, unable to become a voice. If I stuff myself with the things of the world, I deny myself the privilege of echoing the beautiful song that is the Fiddler's intention for me.
I can visualize the angels enjoying Rich's music as he praises his God in heaven.

On the health front:
I am losing steam, which is not surprising given that my white blood cells are underperforming.
There was a disconcerting fever this morning and we await a call back from the oncologist's office to see if we're in trouble. I am adjusting to, but not enjoying fatigue and general weakness.
I am now one-third of the way through my last phase of treatment, and that's a good thing😊

A Warning

"And the ugly, thin cows ate up the seven attractive, plump cows. And Pharaoh awoke....
And the thin ears swallowed up the plump, full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and behold, it was a dream."-Genesis 41:4, 7 (ESV).
If this weird dream had been mine I surely would have needed an interpreter, as did Pharaoh back in Genesis! And there was Joseph, poor guy, who was left to interpret the ominous warning contained in that dream.
In Genesis the warning was that Pharaoh's years of abundance would be followed by an unimaginable period of famine, swallowing up all the former abundance big time. Could this interpretation have any application in my life today? Of course it could😊
My former life, a life of much abundance, is being followed by a period of famine of sorts. It could be very easy to let that abundance of my life B.C. (before cancer) be swallowed up by my current season of famine, or lack of the vitality I formerly enjoyed. How sad it would be if that happened and how unnecessary.
As the author of the past, S. D. Gordon, wisely pointed out, the only way to avoid that black hole is "fresh touch with God" on an ongoing basis. How true.
I am thinking again about the choices I have at my disposal and I am choosing to not permit the famine of today have victory over the abundance of yesterday. Will I see that former abundance again in my lifetime? Only God knows. But with His firm, constant grip on me, I will turn this famine into abundance today, and every day, whatever 'today' may bring. After all, the interpretation of 'abundance' is purely personal.
Thanks, Streams in the Desert. This message is just what I needed.

"Thou Great Three-One,
Author of all blessings I enjoy,
Of all I hope for......
Thou hast shown me
That the sensible effusions of divine love
In the soul are superior to and distinct from
Bodily health,
And that oft-times spiritual comforts are
At their highest when physical well-being
Is at its lowest.....
I bless Thee for tempering every distress with joy;
Too much of the former might weigh me down,
Too much of the latter might puff me up;
Thou art wise to give me a taste of both."-The Valley of Vision (A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.)

Now THAT'S beautiful!

On the health front:
I'm not out of bed yet so I can honestly say that everything's good 😊

Could it be?

I'm invited by one of my resources to go into the book of Judges this morning. Truthfully, I was never much good at History in school so I'm not naturally drawn to the history books of the Old Testament, but today there's something here for me.
Israel was misbehaving again. God's chosen people had wandered off the path that had been set for them and it was time once again ask Him for help. (Hmmm....sounds a bit like myself when I try to take over the reins.)
God, being God, heard those cries for help and chose a little known character named Othneil to do the huge job of getting his fellow Israelites out of their self-inflicted unpleasant situation and back on track.
I don't read a lot about Othneil in other places of the Bible, which is actually encouraging to me, because it tells me that God can choose a normal, everyday person and equip him (or her) for some pretty amazing things.
Again, this may be a stretch, but I hope that by God's placing the charge on me of taking this journey through cancer, He may be preparing me to accomplish something important in the long run, and I'm kind of excited about that! And even if I'm 'way off in my thinking, I still have the confidence, as Othneil must have had, that God is not, and will never be far away. He called me to this task and He will see me through it.
So, the adventure continues. I wonder what it will bring next.....

"And when they cried to the Lord, He raised up for them a deliverer, Othneil....Caleb's younger brother, who saved them. The Spirit of The Lord came upon him."-Judges 3:9, 10.

On the health front:
Tired with a slight stomach ache this morning. Note to self: Don't have popcorn for lunch and brown rice for dinner on the same day.

Gratitude

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. It started last night as the move from our temporary quarters back into our home came within reach of completion, resulting in our sleeping in our familiar bed for the first time in over a month. Right on the heels of that reason to be grateful came gratitude for the newly minted renovation of our 34 year old master bath......pure luxury, even if there are still a few kinks to work out.
I move on from these completely worldly reasons for which to be grateful to far more reasons than could possibly be contained on a single page.
My immediate thoughts go to my family. First, my precious Carson who, with the occasional well deserved meltdown, blows me away with his faithful care. My "kids" and their families, ever present emotionally whether physically here or not, never fail. The love shown by them all just can't be expressed adequately. Then to friends, some nearby and some many miles away, who provide both physical and emotional support on an ongoing basis.....what a beautiful reason for gratitude. Thank you all.
I am ever grateful for my medical team who go above and beyond to make me feel like a real person with real challenges, not merely a number or a medical code. I truly believe that the professionals who choose oncology for their life's work are cut from very special cloth.
And above all I am grateful for having been given the privilege of serving a God Who is serving me so well. As strange as it may sound, I am grateful that His plan for me included this journey through cancer. I believe it has taken me to a new level in my life, one that could not have been reached otherwise.
So, what more can I say. I am blessed beyond blessed and today, and always, regardless of what my days bring, I will continue to be grateful.

"Every good action and every perfect gift is from God. These good gifts come down from the Creator of the sun, moon and stars, Who does not change like their shifting shadows."-James 1:17 (NCV).

On the health front:
Yesterday's chemo was blessedly uneventful, even after the two doses of Neupogen. And today promises to be a good one. Even if I am being held captive in my own little world by my underachieving white blood cells, my reward is that I am staying well.

Seasons...again

I'm back to thinking about the seasons of our lives, thanks to Joe Stowell writing for Our Daily Bread. There are times when my morning reading presents a great mental challenge with much to chew on and much to strive to understand more fully. Then there are mornings like this one when I read a few gentle paragraphs that only ask me to revisit a simple truth that has already been observed.
Mr. Stowell likens our lives to the weather; ever changing, somewhat predictable at times but fully out of our hands. We are pushed, either gently or forcefully, from one season into the next whether we like it or not. We have nothing to say about the matter.
When I think about that, I realize that this helplessness could be a scary thing, but fear usually works against us rather than for us (with a few exceptions, of course ).
I've said this before but it bears repeating: Throughout this season of my life I have yet to experience fear. Apprehension? Sure. Discomfort? Of course. Lack of control? Absolutely, but never fear. My God has promised to remove the element of fear from my progression through the seasons that have been established for me. His plan for me is far better than any I could have created for myself.
So....my present season does not contain exclusively sunshine, flowers and balmy breezes, but, as Mr. Stowell reminds me, seasons are ever changing and I am being gently carried along into the next one. Whatever that season may bring, I plan to buckle up and to fully appreciate the ride.

"......because God has said, 'Never will I leave you or forsake you'. So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my Helper; I will no be afraid. What can man do to me?'"-Hebrews 13:5b,6 (NIV).

On the health front:
Neupogen injection again yesterday, chemo today. I felt a few of the side effects of the injection this time around but nothing that was unmanageable.
If my energy level allows, we will move back into our bedroom today. Love it!

Keeping balance in the dance

My faithful devotional, Jesus Calling, gave me just the fix I needed this morning, as it so often does. I was encouraged to think of the ballerina who must find a fixed focal point as she spins in order to keep her balance as she dances. I, too, need a fixed focal point as my "dance" continues.
I'm here to tell you that there have been many opportunities for my dance to spin out of control, and I fully expect that my balance will be challenged again as it continues. I would be dishonest if I have ever created the impression that I have not hit the floor on occasion, but thanks to my Focal Point, it doesn't happen often.
No need to expound on this simple analogy this morning. I'm going to limit my focus to this mental picture alone as I look forward to a beautiful dance today.

"In the beginning You laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. They will perish, but You remain; they will all wear out as a garment ....but You remain the same, and Your years will never end."-Psalm 102:25-27 (NIV).

On the health front:
It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for the body! This morning I'm refreshed and energized (which could be partially attributed to a healthy dose of caffeine).
Another injection this morning, then chemo tomorrow morning. I'm blessedly free of the side effects that often accompany Neupogen so things could be a lot worse.
Best of all, today begins the move back into our bedroom after a very long four and a half weeks of the chaos of the bathroom remodel. Woo Hoo!

To See or Not to See

Mysterious thing, this business of faith. Left on my own to describe what it is, I couldn't do better than the New Testament book of Hebrews where I read: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."-Hebrews 11:1 (NIV). That's pretty hard to get our heads around, given that we live in a world of "Seeing is Believing". It's a whole new paradigm when we're asked to step off into what we can't see, but faith is just that.
Looking back on my own journey into faith, the scariest thing for me to contemplate was handing the reins of my life over to something or Someone I couldn't see or touch. But it was exactly that exchange that keeps me going today.
At times such as now, when the body fails and the spirit sags, I am so grateful that I am no longer depending upon what I can see, because what I see right now isn't all that great. But my faith, that mysterious thing that I can't see, keeps me going, knowing and trusting that although visible evidence might indicate otherwise, there is an invisible Power at work, forging and implementing just the right plan for me.
I wouldn't want to be taking this journey without faith.
BFF Pat opened my eyes to this beautiful prayer this morning, found in The Valley of Vision. In part it reads:
"Give me large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,
That I might be prepared for every duty,
Love Thee in all Thy mercies,
Submit to Thee in every trial,
Trust Thee when walking in darkness,
Have peace in Thee amidst life's changes.
Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief and uncertainties."

On the health front:
It was not good news from the lab yesterday. My white blood cell count was lower than last week so I will require two Neupogen injections before my chemotherapy on Friday.
I'm tired. Really tired.

"Yes" or "No"

"I never lead you to do something without equipping you for the task."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).
In the past, when I was in my prime both physically and mentally, I was one of those folks who said "Yes" to nearly everything I was asked to do if it had merit in my estimation. It was easy back then. The task of meeting the needs of family became pretty routine, my health was good, my energy level high and there was usually energy left over for participation in life outside the home as well.
With age and its accompanying changes it became easier to say "No" on occasion. Out of necessity I became a better steward of self.
Now, as I face the challenge of accepting the job of having cancer, I realize that I still have the option of saying "Yes" or "No", and I am choosing "Yes".
With the promise of the above quote I can go forward knowing that I have already been equipped for the task. I have a stellar team, both personal and professional, to help me here on earth and with God as my Great Physician, I can be assured of doing the job well.
Yet while answering "Yes" to my present challenge, I am aware that there will be the occasional "No" along the way. I will say "No" to discouragement, and to discomfort , and to ignorance and defeat, even though it's no easy task when the body is depleted.
Today I feel depleted, but it will not always be today. I am slowly learning the rhythms of this dance and I know that the tempo of the dance changes regularly with the music.
Tomorrow there will be a new melody.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life."-Psalm 138:7.

"O what blessedness accompanies devotion,
When under all the trials that weary me,
The fears that disturb me,
The infirmities that oppress me,
I can come to Thee in my need
And feel peace beyond understanding!"-The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.

On the health front:
Blood draw early this morning to determine whether or not I'll need more Neupogen before my next chemo infusion.
I'm ready for a nap.

God's Presence

Recently we were thinking back to the beginning of our journey through cancer, back to the early post-surgery phase when my challenges were at their peak. There was pretty significant pain at that time, accompanied by discouraging news regarding my situation, so attempting to focus on God's plan for me didn't always result in clarity of thought or perception. But as I think back I am struck again, for the millionth time, by the reality that the intensity with which I feel His presence has nothing to do with His actual presence. God is fully with me 100% of every moment that I exist. It is I who moves closer to or farther away from Him.
I would be dishonest if I said that discouragement never sets in, but it's at those times that I most clearly see the need to have a serious discussion with God regarding what I know to be true about Him.
"Believer! What a glorious assurance! This way of thine-this, it may be, a crooked, mysterious, tangled way- this way of trial and tears. 'He knoweth it.' The furnace seven times heated- He lighted it......
The furnace is hot; but not only can we trust the hand that kindles it, but we have the assurance that the fires are lighted not to consume, but to refine; and that when the refining process is completed (no sooner-no later) He brings His people forth as gold."-Macduff ( Streams in the Desert).
What encouraging words from Macduff, whoever he was. He gave me just what I needed for today.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me I shall come out as gold."-Job 23:10 (ESV).

On the health front:
Captivity at home is resulting in many cupboards getting cleaned and closets reorganized, and that's not a bad thing!
Tomorrow's lab work results will determine what the week will bring, but as of this moment I have no complaints😊

Growing old

I'm not sure why I'm attracted to verses about growing old this morning, but it is what it is.
I don't remember ever fearing growing old and for that I am grateful. I have had a great life and I view each day as a gift. Life is a privilege that I hope to enjoy for a long time and I don't want to miss out on a minute of it. If I could change one thing about life, however, it would be that we could be given the gifts of the wisdom and experience of old age at the same time we enjoyed a young and energetic body, but that wasn't God's plan so I suspect He knows something that I don't on that subject.
Enough rambling. I'm ready to focus on a few of God's promises regarding old age:
"Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and I will take care of you. I will carry you and save you."-Isaiah 46:4 (NCV).
And I am here to tell you, gray hairs and all, that the above verse is absolutely true!
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man [older], I put childish ways behind me."-1 Corinthians 13:11 (NIV).
I had a great childhood but there's no doubt in my mind that I'd rather be right where I am than back in my younger years. Life just gets better and better!
"God, You have taught me since I was young. To this day I tell about the miracles You do. Even though I am old and gray, do not leave me, God. I will tell the children about Your power; I will tell those who live after me about Your might."-Psalm 71:17,18 (NCV).
And I can read the above verses in Psalm 71, confident that He will never leave me. What a wonderful promise.
Max Lucado, in his own inimitable way, sums it all up in a few concise thoughts:
"Aging? A necessary process to pass on to a better world.
Death? Merely a brief passage, a tunnel.
There, was that so bad?"-Max Lucado (God Came Near).
Today I am grateful for the privilege of growing old, and at the same time I ask for the privilege of growing older. There's just so much left to see and experience!
And I have just discovered, as I re-read this post, another blessing of old age. When I re-visit topics of past blogs, which I often do, I find that I have totally forgotten what I wrote back then so it's new all over again😊

On the health front:
Aside from being held captive in my own home by unmanageable white blood cells, I feel great.
Thank you, my Great Physician.