Aging gratefully

No, the above is not a typo.  It is a phrase that was used in my reading this morning and it's a very appropriate subject at this stage of my game.

Re-reading my previous posts I am struck with how often I refer to fatigue as being a prominent side-effect of this journey.  And with that constant state of fatigue comes the feeling that I am aging rapidly....more rapidly than I was in my life BC.  I expect it will take a while after my treatment ends to regain the energy I once enjoyed, but the aging process will continue along its merry way regardless. 

My wish has always been to age gracefully.  My mom did it, my dad outlived his ability to do it.  But aging gratefully has become even more important to me since the onset of our journey through cancer.

Psalm 71 is rich in references to the aging process and it speaks so strongly to my increasing need for God's presence in my life as I walk, and often stumble, along this path to eternity.  "My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection.  That is why I can never stop praising You.  I declare Your glory all day long.  And now, in my old age, don't abandon me when my strength is failing."-Psalm 71:7-9 (NLT).  This is my wish, tempered greatly by the firm knowledge that He will never abandon me.  

The psalmist goes on to say, "Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God.  Let me proclaim Your power to this new generation, Your mighty miracles to all who come after me."-Psalm 71:18 (NLT).  What an important prayer!  It is my greatest desire in this life to pass my love for my Lord on to those who follow me.  "If you're not yet elderly, you will be one day- or else dead!  Pray for a good death and a good dying."-Ben Patterson (God's Prayer Book).  Passing on God's love for me in all situations is a very important part of "a good dying" for me.

"All my life, I've been taught how to die, but no one ever taught me how to grow old."- Billy Graham.

"It's sundown, Lord.  The shadows of my life stretch back into the dimness of the years long spent.  I fear not death, for that grim foe betrays itself at last, thrusting me forever into life; life with You, unsoiled and free.  But I do fear the dark specter may come too soon- or do I mean too late?  That I should end before I finish or finish, but not well.  That I should stain Your honor, shame Your name, grieve Your loving heart.  Few, they tell me, finish well....Lord, let me get home before dark."-Robertson McQuilken.

Beautiful!

On the health front:

I enjoyed a chemo-free Thursday yesterday.  Aside from needing multiple visits to my comfy couch, there's nothing of importance to report, and for that I am very grateful!

PS...

I'm a tad slow today and have opted to re-read some of my past posts....a project that doesn't require much energy.  I am my own worst critic and when I spot an error that I missed it drives me crazy. So, I am reading my entry from 2/22 and realize that I totally messed up its title.  It should read, "Insignificant, yet so very significant".

Don't ever hire me as an editor.

Permission granted

Having a need requires meeting that need.  Sometimes meeting the need requires physical effort and sometimes what's required is mental effort.  

Today is another day of waking up after a reasonably good night's sleep feeling drained.  Streams in the Desert reminds me for the hundredth time at least, that this state can be used in a positive way.  I can be bummed and discouraged or I can realize that I have once again been given the opportunity to see my depleted body as a "divinely provided vessel for the Holy Spirit to fill......[and it] would become  an opportunity for receiving new blessings....which you can get in no other way."-A. B. Simpson.   Why is it that "self" inherently looks for relief in a self- focused way when often the antidote for discouragement is just the opposite?  Will I ever learn?

Today I have been given permission to set aside the physical and to concentrate on the spiritual.

I believe I'll do just that.

"My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."-(Philippians 4:19).

On the health front:

General fatigue and slight headache today.  Looks like another day of not accomplishing much physically.  Mentally I'll focus on the knowledge that we're approaching the home stretch, even if it is at a snail's pace.

And Carla, if you are reading this today, thank you for the beautiful card that traveled five thousand miles to bring encouragement.  Many, many thanks.

Remembering Dad

Yesterday marked the eighth anniversary of my father's death.  He reached the age of ninety four before he released his grip on life and even then he didn't do it willingly.

Dad was the eldest of four children.  He was born to hard working parents who farmed in harsh conditions in Western Canada.  When the flu epidemic of 1919 hit, it took away his father, Hardy, leaving Dad to be "the man of the family" at age nine.  His mother never remarried so I can only imagine that his strong sense of responsibility weighed heavily on him throughout his growing up years.

My grandmother worked hard raising her active family and instilled the value of education in her children.  Dad graduated from university with honors, went on to marry our mom and raise four children of his own.  I don't think I fully appreciated him while we were growing up but I now realize that raising a family of his own without having a male role model of how it should be done was a pretty gargantuan task.  He was not a warm and fuzzy dad who smothered his children with hugs and kisses but he showed his love by providing for us and seeing that our needs were always met.  

Dad spent the last few years of his life with us.  It was good for me to see him grow in his ability to show his love both verbally and physically.  He hugged easily at the end.  

There will be no Biblical parallels in this post.  I just wanted to remember Dad.

On the health front:

My labs showed that I am low in several areas at present.  However, since this is my week off from treatment my oncologist's Physician's Assistant said that she would like to allow my body to try to fight its way back on its own.  That means no transfusions, infusions or injections for this week, at least, and that's cause for celebration!  I'm still basically under house arrest but I'm getting used to it.

Keep praying, please.....and many, many thanks.

Hearing voices

Andree Seu Peterson writes a column regularly in World magazine.  Her column appears very close to the last page of the magazine and she always leaves me challenged and wanting more.  In the February 23rd issue she wrote a column entitled The Existential Life in which she recalls being enamored as a young woman by the idea that "existence precedes essence", an idea put forward by a guy named Camus.  (Never heard of him, to be honest.)  

Camus' idea was that a person has no identity but the one he (or she) creates at the moment, and no rules but the rule of this moment's impulse.  The bottom line was that the only authentic living is the moment-by-moment kind.  Mrs. Peterson runs with this idea and draws some conclusions of her own.

Moment-by-moment living requires listening to the voices around us and the voices we listen to have a big part in determining who we are and who we are becoming.  She, the author, remembers a particular trip to the market years ago during which the entire time of her drive was spent "nursing old grievances, coveting her neighbor's gifts, hatching manipulative comebacks and suffering her soul to be gnawed by some human's opinion of her."  The fruit of that moment-by-moment living wasn't particularly attractive. She has since embraced Christianity and has revisited Camus' idea through the grid of her beliefs.  

She observes how Jesus did, indeed, live moment-by-moment, being completely in tune with His Father in heaven and allowing Himself to be ruled accordingly.  He constantly listened to His Father's voice and His life exemplified truly authentic living.

Mrs. Peterson wisely points out that our biggest battle is in our thought life.  "In a sense there is no other life than the thought life.  The renewal of the mind effects transformation-not abstractly, but in the conscious dimension.  It involves our cooperation and is not a passive work of God apart from that cooperation."-Andree Seu Peterson.

I can't be Jesus but I can listen to His voice and hopefully come closer and closer to being a reflection of Him here on earth during my lifetime as I live moment-by-moment.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will"-Romans 12:2 (NIV).

"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."-Proverbs 3:6 (NIV).

On the health front:

Today will bring a blood test to see what awaits me in the realm of what needs to be adjusted.

Until then I am adopting an "Ignorance is bliss" mentality.

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious about many things..."

Familiar with the story in the Bible of the time when Jesus came to the home of Mary and Martha to visit and teach?  (Luke 10:38-42.)  I think.....no, I know.....it was written just for me.

I am feeling stressed this morning and I know I bring it on myself.  This week brings house guests from Germany.  They come every few years for a couple of weeks of sight-seeing and outlet shopping and they always spend a few days with us.  This year they have brought two friends with them.  They are kind, sensitive and absolutely delightful people and we enjoy them immensely.  They know that this has been a challenging year for us and have offered on several occasions get a motel but I have encouraged them to stay with us.  And I'm feeling stressed this morning!

Why don't I learn?  Why can't I set aside my "perfect hostess" obsession after all these years?  I miss out on so much of what's really important.  I could serve cold cereal and these friends would be happy.  And the minute I say "Would you mind giving me a hand here?" I will have two smiling German ladies happily working in my kitchen.  I am my own worst enemy.

"The Master said, 'Martha, dear Martha, you are fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing.  One thing only is essential and Mary has chosen it- it's the main course and won't be taken away from her.'"-Luke 10:41, 42 (The Message).

I don't want to miss the main course.  Maybe this will be the year I finally "get it"!

"Do not be anxious about anything...."-Philippians 4:6a (ESV).

On the health front:

The temporary high of my potassium infusion seems to have dissipated and judging from my lack of energy I suspect that my white blood cells may have taken another hit.  Oh well... more couch time, but if that's all I have to complain about, no worries!

Musings of Jonathan Edwards

I'm often drawn to the writings of the old theologians, partly because I enjoy reading their applications of Scripture to the times in which they lived and partly because I love their use of the English language as, in my humble opinion, it should still be used.

Jonathan Edwards lived from October 5, 1703 until March 22,1758.  He was considered one of America's greatest intellectuals and was acknowledged to be "America's most important and original philosophical theologian", according to all- powerful Wikipedia.  

In his writings on Psalm 16, Ben Patterson observes that "Jonathan Edwards thought of God the way David thought of God in this psalm.  It was for the 'sweet delight in God' that he gave himself to God."-Ben Patterson (God's Prayer Book:  The Power and Pleasure of Praying the Psalms-a gift from my good friend, George.)

Edwards wasn't afraid to expose his sensitive core when he wrote, "The first instance I remember of that sort of inward, sweet delight in God and in divine things, that I have lived much in since, was in reading these words, 'Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.  Amen.'-1 Timothy 1:17.  As I read those words, there came into my soul, and was, as it were, diffused through it, a sense of the glory of the Divine Being; a new sense, quite different than anything I ever experienced before.  Never any words of Scripture seemed to me as these did.  I thought with myself, how excellent a Being that was, and how happy I should be, if I might enjoy that God, and be rapt up to Him in Heaven, and be, as it were, swallowed up in Him forever."-Jonathan Edwards.

I have experienced that "sweet delight in God" many times over while on this journey through cancer and whether or not I am fully healed in this lifetime, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the same sweet delight in God will always be within my reach.

How reassuring.

"Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to You for refuge.

I said to The Lord, 'You are my Master.  Every good thing I have comes from You'."-Psalm 16:1,2 (NLT)-A psalm of David.

On the health front:

Nothing of note to note....so that's a praise.

Small bites today

Yesterday I managed to create some order of the various books I have at the ready each morning for my daily inspiration.  Now, instead of random, ragged piles I have a neat line of books on a nearby bookshelf, arranged by height, believe it or not.  (OK...so I am  slightly OCD.)  I can now clearly see what's there and this morning I'm being tempted by a few small volumes that contain tidbits of the wisdom of various authors.  So, here goes:

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting."-Elizabeth Bibesco (Quiet Thoughts to Cherish, a gift from my friend, Reddie, who is the essence of this truth.)

"A cheerful heart is good medicine."-Proverbs 17:22 (NIV).  This proverb is contained in a little book called God's Words of Life for Women of Faith, a gift from BFF Pat.  The short entry reminds me again that happiness is a choice and that the powerful medicine of joy is needed more than ever during times of trial and challenge.

The book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, believed to be written by the prophet, Jeremiah, contains encouragement on the subject of hope.  

"I will remember my affliction and my wandering......and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness."-Lamentations 3:19-23 (NIV).  Max Lucado uses these verses as a springboard for his observations on the subject of hope in God's Promises for You, a gift from daughter, Jody.  He talks about the difficulty of seeing things grow old and desiring to make them new again.  "I wish I could make it all new again, but I can't.  I can't.  But God can.  'He restores my soul', wrote the shepherd.  He doesn't reform; He restores.  He doesn't camouflage the old, He restores the new.  The Master Builder will pull out the original plan and restore it. He will restore the vigor.  He will restore the energy.  He will restore the hope.  He will restore the soul."-Max Lucado.

I'll drink (coffee, of course) to that!

On the health front:

I would gladly be hooked up to my chemo pole daily for two hours of Potassium if it meant that I could always feel as good as I did yesterday. Let's hope my oncologist doesn't read this blog as I confess to even sneaking out of the house for a delightful lunch with a good friend.

I'm not sure what today will bring but who cares?  Yesterday was great!

Wait

As I get closer to the end of the treatment phase of our cancer journey I catch myself deviating from my resolve to take one day at a time.  I'm mentally jumping ahead to the completion date and to hopefully getting back to at least a degree of what we enjoyed BC ( before cancer).  Streams in the Desert reminds me to rein in these impulses and to settle back into the comfort of God's timing, not mine.

If there is one thing I have learned through this journey it is that most of my major disappointments have resulted from the expectations of life to occur on my timetable.  Sometimes these expectations were based on something for which I had been praying and sometimes they just involved the mundane things of life in general.  I have been forced, thankfully, to wait, wait, wait. My agenda hasn't often come to fruition, and today I can thank my God for that.

Sarah of the Old Testament laughed when she was told that she would bear a son in her old age, yet that's exactly what happened.  Sarah's timing?  Not!  God's timing?  Perfect!

Lord, please don't allow me ever to laugh or doubt when You set Your perfect plan in motion for me.

"It is not for us who are passengers to meddle with the chart and with the compass.  Let that all-skilled Pilot alone with His work."-Hall (Streams in the Desert).

"Sarah bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him."-Genesis 21:2 (Translation Unknown).

On the health front:

We survived the marathon visit to the chemo room yesterday.  Some folks were already in treatment when I arrived and they were still hooked up when we left, so no complaints here.  The addition of Potassium yielded no surprises, thankfully.

I'm putting on weight a bit faster than I would choose, surprisingly, since I have been careful about intake.  A visit with the oncology nurse reminded me that part of my infusion chemo includes a steroid that boosts the effectiveness of Gemzar but can add unwanted weight.  Hopefully it will all balance out in the end.....and not my "end", preferably, which is where the weight usually goes!

All is well.

Another parallel

All hooked up to my current best friend, my chemo pole, and ready to see what's in store for me from Wayne Jacobsen, the author of In My Father's Vineyard.  This great book, a gift from BFF Pat, speaks regularly to me and today is no exception.

The vineyard has endured the winter and is anticipating Spring, although cautiously.  It waits until the danger of frost has safely passed before it bursts into new life. Then one day that new life appears. The watering of the Spring rains and the warmth of the sun have produced a beautiful green canopy and underneath the canopy the white blossoms are becoming visible.  Spring has officially arrived in the vineyard.

When I think of Spring, words such as beauty, freshness, newness, excitement and hope come to mind.  I am seeing a glimmer of the completion of my treatment and I feel as if my Winter is coming to an end.  I'm sensing Spring. I'm sensing the freshness of new life.  My "new" body has been treated with the weed killer of chemotherapy and is now ready to bloom once again.  

With this excitement comes renewed confidence, a feeling of invincibility, and that can be a dangerous thing.  I have become accustomed to having intensely clear communications with God and wonderful "quiet times".  But, as Mr. Jacobsen reminds me, "A late frost, a freak hailstorm, or an assault of weeds or insects can spell a quick end to a promised harvest."  I learn from this statement that very high peaks can lead to very low valleys in the face of discouragement, and joy can be easily destroyed.

My prayer for this Spring of my journey is that I will hold on tightly to the hand of my Great Physician and together we will weather all the seasons that are ahead of me.

I hope these reflections are clear.  It's been a busy morning in the chemo room and there is constant activity.  It can be distracting, but it is a happy and healing place.  Kind of like Spring.