My friend, Marcia, recently sent me a card containing a small page from her daily devotional in which a woman's journey with leukemia was chronicled. This woman was in partial isolation during those months, giving her much opportunity for reflection. She referred to that time as her time of "forced leisure".
Marcia had her period of forced leisure last year and I'm having mine now, and I look forward to the time when she and I can sit down over a cup of coffee and compare the many lessons we learned during that period of our lives. Thanks, Marcia, for your thoughtfulness.
I can again say with all honesty that I am grateful for this experience through which God is accompanying me and in a strange way I can say it is one of the greatest blessings in my life so far, and there have been many! I have never experienced God as I am experiencing Him now. Had He not called me through His Son, Jesus Christ, I would be a poorer person, unable to see the "Joy in the Journey", as musician Michael Card wrote and sang many years ago. ("There is a Joy in the Journey"-Michael Card).
I will not miss cancer when I am healed but I will miss my close times with God. I'm sure busyness will creep back but I know already that I will not allow that busyness to replace my precious times of communication with my Creator.
"The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."-Zephaniah 3:14-20.
On the health front:
Gratefully, things are pretty steady and if all goes well I will have only three more radiation treatments and four POUS until this phase is over. Then it's back to the forced leisure of our weekly visit to the comfy recliner and my infusion chemotherapy for an as yet unknown period of time.
Keep praying! Your prayers are getting us through this.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Prayer
"Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to You and wait expectantly."-Psalm 5:3 (NLT).
I'm struck again while reading this beautiful psalm of David with the wonder of knowing that God not only listens to my prayers, He is always available and He always answers in His way, in His time.
Like David, for many mornings, afternoons, evenings and years I have prayed for my children and now I have the privilege of doing the same for my grandchildren. Often I would have preferred that my prayers be answered on my terms and on my timetable but God lovingly asked me to wait and to trust Him. I can't thank Him enough for that, as frustrating as it may have been at the time. And when a prayer is answered in the best possible way, the tears come and my gratitude knows no bounds.
God knows me so well. He places me in the most challenging of circumstances, draws me close to Himself, then unexpectedly gives me the sweetest of glimmerings of answered prayer in a completely unexpected way, completely unrelated to my personal situation.
God is so good, and again I am given new energy to keep praying and to keep expecting answers. I simply need to be faithful in those prayers and to trust that His timetable far surpasses my own.
"Thou incomprehensible but prayer-hearing God...
I bless Thee that Thou hast made me capable of knowing Thee, the Author of all being, of resembling Thee, the Perfection of all excellency, of enjoying Thee, the Source of all happiness.
O God, attend me in every part of my arduous and trying pilgrimage;
I need the same counsel, defense, comfort I found in my beginning....
Continue the gentleness of Thy goodness towards me, and whether I wake or sleep, let Thy presence go with me, Thy blessings attend me....
Thou hast led me on and I have found Thy promises to be true. I have been sorrowful, but Thou hast been my help, fearful but Thou hast lifted me up.
Thy vows are ever upon me, and I praise Thee, O God."-The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.
On the health front:
I had an irresistible urge yesterday to go out for a meal with my husband. He has been so faithful in the kitchen and giving him the night off seemed like a good idea. We chose mid-afternoon where germ sharing would hopefully be at a minimum.
Fish and chips sounded heavenly, as did the strawberry limeade.
Not a good idea. Carson is back in the kitchen.
I'm struck again while reading this beautiful psalm of David with the wonder of knowing that God not only listens to my prayers, He is always available and He always answers in His way, in His time.
Like David, for many mornings, afternoons, evenings and years I have prayed for my children and now I have the privilege of doing the same for my grandchildren. Often I would have preferred that my prayers be answered on my terms and on my timetable but God lovingly asked me to wait and to trust Him. I can't thank Him enough for that, as frustrating as it may have been at the time. And when a prayer is answered in the best possible way, the tears come and my gratitude knows no bounds.
God knows me so well. He places me in the most challenging of circumstances, draws me close to Himself, then unexpectedly gives me the sweetest of glimmerings of answered prayer in a completely unexpected way, completely unrelated to my personal situation.
God is so good, and again I am given new energy to keep praying and to keep expecting answers. I simply need to be faithful in those prayers and to trust that His timetable far surpasses my own.
"Thou incomprehensible but prayer-hearing God...
I bless Thee that Thou hast made me capable of knowing Thee, the Author of all being, of resembling Thee, the Perfection of all excellency, of enjoying Thee, the Source of all happiness.
O God, attend me in every part of my arduous and trying pilgrimage;
I need the same counsel, defense, comfort I found in my beginning....
Continue the gentleness of Thy goodness towards me, and whether I wake or sleep, let Thy presence go with me, Thy blessings attend me....
Thou hast led me on and I have found Thy promises to be true. I have been sorrowful, but Thou hast been my help, fearful but Thou hast lifted me up.
Thy vows are ever upon me, and I praise Thee, O God."-The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.
On the health front:
I had an irresistible urge yesterday to go out for a meal with my husband. He has been so faithful in the kitchen and giving him the night off seemed like a good idea. We chose mid-afternoon where germ sharing would hopefully be at a minimum.
Fish and chips sounded heavenly, as did the strawberry limeade.
Not a good idea. Carson is back in the kitchen.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Contentment.....again.
Tuesday was as perfect a day as I've had for a long time. Aside from the usual fatigue, I was symptom/side effect free, even after downing the POUS. Stretched out on the sofa in the late afternoon, the front door open, I listened to the birds and thanked God that I was alive at that very moment to enjoy all that He offered.
Tuesday night brought fitful sleep. Wednesday I was light-headed and had stomach discomfort. Wednesday night brought fitful sleep again and here I am on Thursday morning half-dreading the requisites of the day ahead.
What's wrong with this picture? Unfortunately, it's me. I'm guilty of laboring under the misconception that because I'm not content at least most of the time, I'm falling short of some invisible mark....that discontent is a flaw and if I experience it, I haven't been listening to and applying the correct lessons. I try to tell myself that contentment is simply a choice and I should "just do it!", or "just be it!", in this case. But it's not that easy.
Jeremiah Burroughs, in his Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, points out that even the great apostle, Paul, had to learn contentment, so I'm in good company. I need to listen as he (Paul) says:
"Now godliness with contentment is great gain...and having food and clothing, with these we shall be content."-1 Timothy 6:6,8 (NKJV). Hmmm...Paul said "gain". That tells me that contentment didn't come instilled in me at birth. I must learn it in order to gain it.
Paul reminds me in Hebrews 13:5 that I must be content with the things I already have, and again in Philippians 4:11 he tells me, "...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."-(NKJV). There's that word "learned" again. Does this mean that I can be content even with having cancer? Of course it does.
Burroughs goes on to say, "A gracious heart is contented by the melting of his will and desires into God's will and desires; by this means he gets contentment..... This, too, is a mystery..."
There's so much more but this is plenty to chew on for one morning. Today's lessons are ready for me and waiting to be learned.
"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today. Walk boldly along the path of Life, relying on your ever-present Companion. You have every reason to be confident (or content, in my case) because My presence accompanies you all the days of your life-and onward into eternity."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).
Tuesday night brought fitful sleep. Wednesday I was light-headed and had stomach discomfort. Wednesday night brought fitful sleep again and here I am on Thursday morning half-dreading the requisites of the day ahead.
What's wrong with this picture? Unfortunately, it's me. I'm guilty of laboring under the misconception that because I'm not content at least most of the time, I'm falling short of some invisible mark....that discontent is a flaw and if I experience it, I haven't been listening to and applying the correct lessons. I try to tell myself that contentment is simply a choice and I should "just do it!", or "just be it!", in this case. But it's not that easy.
Jeremiah Burroughs, in his Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, points out that even the great apostle, Paul, had to learn contentment, so I'm in good company. I need to listen as he (Paul) says:
"Now godliness with contentment is great gain...and having food and clothing, with these we shall be content."-1 Timothy 6:6,8 (NKJV). Hmmm...Paul said "gain". That tells me that contentment didn't come instilled in me at birth. I must learn it in order to gain it.
Paul reminds me in Hebrews 13:5 that I must be content with the things I already have, and again in Philippians 4:11 he tells me, "...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."-(NKJV). There's that word "learned" again. Does this mean that I can be content even with having cancer? Of course it does.
Burroughs goes on to say, "A gracious heart is contented by the melting of his will and desires into God's will and desires; by this means he gets contentment..... This, too, is a mystery..."
There's so much more but this is plenty to chew on for one morning. Today's lessons are ready for me and waiting to be learned.
"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today. Walk boldly along the path of Life, relying on your ever-present Companion. You have every reason to be confident (or content, in my case) because My presence accompanies you all the days of your life-and onward into eternity."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
When short on inspiration....
....borrow from others' inspiration.
This is my prayer for today and every day, handed down to me from a Puritan prayer warrior from times past:
"Thou Eternal God,....I thank Thee for personal mercies, a measure of health, preservation of body, comforts of house and home, sufficiency of food and clothing, continuance of mental powers, my family, their mutual help and support, the delights of domestic harmony and peace, the seats now filled that might have been vacant, my country, church, Bible, faith.........."-The Valley of Vision.
So beautiful.
This is my prayer for today and every day, handed down to me from a Puritan prayer warrior from times past:
"Thou Eternal God,....I thank Thee for personal mercies, a measure of health, preservation of body, comforts of house and home, sufficiency of food and clothing, continuance of mental powers, my family, their mutual help and support, the delights of domestic harmony and peace, the seats now filled that might have been vacant, my country, church, Bible, faith.........."-The Valley of Vision.
So beautiful.
Caffeine, please
Short on sleep last night, short on inspiration this morning.
This just may be a blogless day.
On the health front:
Yesterday, for whatever reason, I had more energy than I have had for a long time. I think my body knows it's on the home stretch for this phase.
I'll take the blessings wherever and whenever they may be found.
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NKJV).
This just may be a blogless day.
On the health front:
Yesterday, for whatever reason, I had more energy than I have had for a long time. I think my body knows it's on the home stretch for this phase.
I'll take the blessings wherever and whenever they may be found.
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NKJV).
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
The Race
Twenty three treatments down, seven to go. The finish line, for this phase anyway, is in sight and I must admit I'm pretty pumped! I've spent so much energy training myself to take the "one day at a time" approach that it feels odd, and good, to mentally jump ahead for a change.
Looking at my journey as a race seems strange since I've always associated a race with speed. This race has been far from speedy, but it has been a race, nevertheless.
Dictionary.com has a couple of applicable definitions for my "race":
"Any contest or competition, especially to achieve superiority."
"Onward movement. An onward, or regular course."
"The course of time. The course of life, or part of life."
All great definitions, but my favorite is the one about superiority.
My personal opinion, regardless of the valuable lessons I'm learning, is that not having cancer is better than having cancer. My body is physically in competition with cancer cells and I'm in this race to compete fiercely against them and to attain victory over them. But I'm also in competition to win spiritually and emotionally, so I pray that I will never forget the irreplaceable lessons I have learned along the way and that I will never cease to apply them in my life.
"Again I observed on this earth: The race is not always won by the swiftest, the battle is not always won by the strongest...."-Ecclesiastes 9:11 (NET).
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it."-1 Corinthians 9:24 ((ESV).
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."-2 Timothy 4:7 (ESV).
"....and let us run the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross..."-Hebrews 12:1b-2 (NKJV).
The race is on and the finish line is in sight!
On the health front:
Doctor Day revealed that my numbers are holding steady and that my itching could be a Xeloda side effect or it could be a reaction to all the pollen in the air.
He ended the appointment with a fatherly smile and an encouraging, "You're doing very well!" This struck me as funny since he's younger than three of my kids :)
Looking at my journey as a race seems strange since I've always associated a race with speed. This race has been far from speedy, but it has been a race, nevertheless.
Dictionary.com has a couple of applicable definitions for my "race":
"Any contest or competition, especially to achieve superiority."
"Onward movement. An onward, or regular course."
"The course of time. The course of life, or part of life."
All great definitions, but my favorite is the one about superiority.
My personal opinion, regardless of the valuable lessons I'm learning, is that not having cancer is better than having cancer. My body is physically in competition with cancer cells and I'm in this race to compete fiercely against them and to attain victory over them. But I'm also in competition to win spiritually and emotionally, so I pray that I will never forget the irreplaceable lessons I have learned along the way and that I will never cease to apply them in my life.
"Again I observed on this earth: The race is not always won by the swiftest, the battle is not always won by the strongest...."-Ecclesiastes 9:11 (NET).
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it."-1 Corinthians 9:24 ((ESV).
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."-2 Timothy 4:7 (ESV).
"....and let us run the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross..."-Hebrews 12:1b-2 (NKJV).
The race is on and the finish line is in sight!
On the health front:
Doctor Day revealed that my numbers are holding steady and that my itching could be a Xeloda side effect or it could be a reaction to all the pollen in the air.
He ended the appointment with a fatherly smile and an encouraging, "You're doing very well!" This struck me as funny since he's younger than three of my kids :)
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friendship
My friend, Mary, asks for prayer for her 94 year old mom who fell and broke her hip. This request for prayer, coming at a time when I am using a beautiful book from my dear longtime friend, Pat, as my morning quiet time reading, brings home to me the dual nature of friendship. Friendship both gives and receives. It's not just about having friends, it's about being a friend. Mary prays regularly for me and I will pray both for Mary and her mom. Thank you, Mary, for giving me the privilege of doing that for you and for the privilege of being your friend.
I have reaped the rewards of having good friends all my life, but never to the degree that I have experienced since my cancer diagnosis. I won't even attempt to tell the many forms those rewards have taken, and it has been a great time of growth.
I have always enjoyed the giving part of friendship but have had some difficulty with the receiving end of it. I have an observant cousin who has noticed a strong tendency in our genetic line to accept the "I'm not worthy" mindset. Perhaps that's it, but whatever the reason, I realize now that I am not being a good friend when I consistently say, "No, thanks".
So this morning I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I am sure that today I will concentrate on being a good friend.
"I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you."-John 15:15 (NIV).
"He (Jesus) wants to be the best Friend you've ever had-sharing every moment of your life. He wants to laugh with you, even through the slips and spills. He wants to relax with you in your weariness, to commune with you on those issues that affect you most."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."-Vivian Greene
On the health front:
Still itchy. Today is Doctor Day so I'll bring that up. Other than waking up tired every day, it's a good morning!
I have reaped the rewards of having good friends all my life, but never to the degree that I have experienced since my cancer diagnosis. I won't even attempt to tell the many forms those rewards have taken, and it has been a great time of growth.
I have always enjoyed the giving part of friendship but have had some difficulty with the receiving end of it. I have an observant cousin who has noticed a strong tendency in our genetic line to accept the "I'm not worthy" mindset. Perhaps that's it, but whatever the reason, I realize now that I am not being a good friend when I consistently say, "No, thanks".
So this morning I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I am sure that today I will concentrate on being a good friend.
"I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you."-John 15:15 (NIV).
"He (Jesus) wants to be the best Friend you've ever had-sharing every moment of your life. He wants to laugh with you, even through the slips and spills. He wants to relax with you in your weariness, to commune with you on those issues that affect you most."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."-Vivian Greene
On the health front:
Still itchy. Today is Doctor Day so I'll bring that up. Other than waking up tired every day, it's a good morning!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Legacy
Today I am missing my mom. She has been gone for nearly nineteen years but I still miss her and will continue to miss her until the day we will hopefully meet again.
Having cancer has brought me face to face with realities that I was able to keep on the shelf when I was my healthy self. Now that I am fully facing the immutable fact that my life will indeed come to an end, I am taking inventory of what I want to leave for my children and grandchildren.
When Jody went off to college she gave me a card that I still have. On the front it says, "Mom, you taught me everything I know." And on the inside it says, "Could we go over it again?" I love that card and it continues to bring home the reality that my life needs to be one that continually "goes over it again". My life example of what is right and what is good must be consistent and ongoing in order to model the legacy I want to leave.
I am incredibly blessed by the knowledge that God has prepared the hearts of each of my children and grandchildren to be sensitive to His voice. Are there questions? Are each of them at varying stages in their walks? Of course! And that's as it should be. No matter the godly example I leave for them, I can't give them their faith. They must own it for themselves.
I consider my cancer journey a gift that has been given to me as a vehicle to show and tell those I love that God is not only present in the good times, He is especially present in the challenging ones. He can and will do marvelous and mighty things. I just need to look for Him.
Thank you, Lord, that You have loved me enough to take me on this journey.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband praises her..."-Proverbs 31:28 (NET).
This is my prayer.
On the health front:
Radiation and oral chemo have sucked my skin dry. I am tempted to scratch until I irritate it beyond repair. It's a good thing I'm a dairyman's wife. The only thing that soothes it is bag balm.
Having cancer has brought me face to face with realities that I was able to keep on the shelf when I was my healthy self. Now that I am fully facing the immutable fact that my life will indeed come to an end, I am taking inventory of what I want to leave for my children and grandchildren.
When Jody went off to college she gave me a card that I still have. On the front it says, "Mom, you taught me everything I know." And on the inside it says, "Could we go over it again?" I love that card and it continues to bring home the reality that my life needs to be one that continually "goes over it again". My life example of what is right and what is good must be consistent and ongoing in order to model the legacy I want to leave.
I am incredibly blessed by the knowledge that God has prepared the hearts of each of my children and grandchildren to be sensitive to His voice. Are there questions? Are each of them at varying stages in their walks? Of course! And that's as it should be. No matter the godly example I leave for them, I can't give them their faith. They must own it for themselves.
I consider my cancer journey a gift that has been given to me as a vehicle to show and tell those I love that God is not only present in the good times, He is especially present in the challenging ones. He can and will do marvelous and mighty things. I just need to look for Him.
Thank you, Lord, that You have loved me enough to take me on this journey.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband praises her..."-Proverbs 31:28 (NET).
This is my prayer.
On the health front:
Radiation and oral chemo have sucked my skin dry. I am tempted to scratch until I irritate it beyond repair. It's a good thing I'm a dairyman's wife. The only thing that soothes it is bag balm.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
My perfect path
Sarah Young focuses on the word "path"; especially appropriate, I think, since we have considered this experience a journey from the start. She reassures me, through the words of Jesus, that I'm on the right path even though it doesn't seem so at times. And my path has been designed especially for me.
"Therefore it's a lonely way, humanly speaking."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).
She points out that the end of my path will not be visible right now since it has been designed to walk on a day by day, moment by moment basis. No worries, though. I have the best Companion to accompany me along the way.
"Often God seems to place His children in positions of profound difficulty, leading them into a wedge from which there is no escape...
It does seem perplexing and very serious to the last degree, but it is perfectly right...
He will not only deliver you, but in doing so, He will give you a lesson you will never forget, and to which, in many a song and psalm, in after days you will revert. You will never be able to thank God enough for having done just as He has."-Streams in the Desert (Author Unknown).
And, of course, again I find the perfect prayer in The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions:
"I hang on Thee; I see, believe, live when Thy will, not mine, is done...
If Thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be Thou!
Help me to honor Thee by believing before I feel, for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith..."
How beautiful!
So today I am thanking my God for the unique path on which he has placed my feet. How perfect is His path for me!
Wow...introspection is good but "extrospection" felt even better!
(Rats...I thought I'd invented that word but it's in the dictionary.)
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."-Psalm 119:105 (KJV).
"Your Word is a lamp to walk by and a light to illumine my path."-Psalm 119:105 (NET).
On the health front:
Tender abdominal area and dry, dry, itchy skin but that's about it so far. Of course I haven't been further than ten feet from my bed so things could change, but at the moment I am thanking God for small mercies.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Weary
I am writing this entry at night so it will be ten hours old by the time it is posted. This will be it for today.
I function very differently in the morning than I do at night and right now I am especially aware of that fact. Since this blog serves as a diary of sorts I want to capture as much as possible from the start, the middle and the end of my journey. I don't want to forget one minute of it when I am healed.
Tonight I am weary; not just tired, but weary. My body is letting me down. My brain feels the very real effects of "chemo fog". Tears of frustration suddenly appear. I feel useless and discouraged at times. But I have been prepared for these foreign experiences by wise friends who have walked their own walks through cancer and are well qualified to advise me, so I'm neither taken by surprise nor am I despondent. I know "This, too, shall pass". My friends Pati, Geri, Janice, Joyce, Ruth, Beth, Jerri, Jodi and Robyn understand. Dale knows this weariness, as do the new friends we have made during treatment so I am not alone.
Tomorrow is a new day and will bring with it renewed energy, or what there is left of it, but I don't ever want to push aside the negatives of this journey in favor of the positives. I might miss some important lessons to be learned along the way.
So tonight as I prepare for sleep I will accept the invitation of Jesus to "Come to Me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy to bear and My load is not hard to carry".Matthew 11:28-30 (NET).
So, good night, friends, and sleep well.
I function very differently in the morning than I do at night and right now I am especially aware of that fact. Since this blog serves as a diary of sorts I want to capture as much as possible from the start, the middle and the end of my journey. I don't want to forget one minute of it when I am healed.
Tonight I am weary; not just tired, but weary. My body is letting me down. My brain feels the very real effects of "chemo fog". Tears of frustration suddenly appear. I feel useless and discouraged at times. But I have been prepared for these foreign experiences by wise friends who have walked their own walks through cancer and are well qualified to advise me, so I'm neither taken by surprise nor am I despondent. I know "This, too, shall pass". My friends Pati, Geri, Janice, Joyce, Ruth, Beth, Jerri, Jodi and Robyn understand. Dale knows this weariness, as do the new friends we have made during treatment so I am not alone.
Tomorrow is a new day and will bring with it renewed energy, or what there is left of it, but I don't ever want to push aside the negatives of this journey in favor of the positives. I might miss some important lessons to be learned along the way.
So tonight as I prepare for sleep I will accept the invitation of Jesus to "Come to Me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy to bear and My load is not hard to carry".Matthew 11:28-30 (NET).
So, good night, friends, and sleep well.
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