PS....

It has been exactly two weeks since we heard the words "Cancer-Free" and I am still waking up in the morning relishing the reality.  I officially ended my blog at that time but this morning's reading has prompted me to share the beautiful words I found.  Here they are:

"Sorrow was beautiful, but her beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the wood, and making little pools of silver here and there on the soft green moss below.

When Sorrow sang, her notes were like the low sweet call of the nightingale, and in her eyes was the unexpectant gaze of one who has ceased to look for coming gladness.  She could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to her.

Joy was beautiful, too, but his was the radiant beauty of the summer morning.  His eyes still held the glad laughter of childhood and his hair had the glint of the sunshine's kiss.  When Joy sang, his voice soared upward like the lark's and his step was the step of the conquerer who has never known defeat.  He could rejoice with all who rejoice, but to weep with those who weep was unknown to him.

'But we can never be united.', said Sorrow wistfully. 

'No, never.'  And Joy's eyes shadowed as he spoke.  'My path lies through the sunlit meadows, the sweetest roses bloom for my gathering and the blackbirds and thrushes await my coming to pour forth their most joyous lays.'

'My path', said Sorrow, turning slowly away, 'leads through the darkening woods, with moon-flowers only shall my hands be filled.  Yet the sweetest of all earth songs-the love song of the night- shall be mine; farewell, Joy, farewell.'

Even as she spoke they became conscious of a form standing beside them; dimly seen, but of a Kingly  Presence, and a great and holy awe stole over them as they sank to their knees before Him.

'I see Him as the King of Joy', whispered Sorrow, 'for on His head are many crowns, and the nail prints in His hands and feet are the scars of a great victory. Before Him all my sorrow is melting away into deathless love and gladness, and I give myself to Him forever.'

'Nay, Sorrow,', said Joy softly, 'but I see Him as the King of Sorrow, and the crown on His head is a crown of thorns, and the nail prints in His hands and feet are the scars of a great agony.  I, too, give myself to Him forever, for the sorrow with Him must be sweeter than any joy I have known.'

'Then we are one in Him', they cried in gladness, 'for none but He could unite Joy and Sorrow.'

Hand in hand they passed out into the world to follow Him through storm and sunshine, in the bleakness of winter cold and the warmth of summer gladness, 'as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing' ". -Streams in the Desert- Classic Edition (Author Unknown).

"As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing"-2 Corinthians 6:10

Such is the journey through cancer.

Cancer-Free!

What glorious words!  Those are the words we heard yesterday.  Our daughter, Jody, reminded us that it was exactly ten months ago, on October 5, 2012, that we heard the words, "You have cancer", and it was on August 5, 2013 that we heard the words, "You are cancer-free"! 

"Wowser!"....as friend KK so succinctly phrased it yesterday😊

First, Jenna, the Physician's Assistant, entered the office with a larger than usual smile on her face. She did a quick review of the results of my recent blood tests and then gave us the good news about the PET scan results.  I think we were all stunned for a moment and then the tears came. Thank goodness for daughter-in-law, Tami, who was taking notes, because it's all a blur to me. Poor Jenna!  We were all talking at once and throwing one question after another at her, but she put up with us all and shared in our joy.

Dr. Polowy came in next with an equally wide smile on his face.  He could not have been more pleased to give us further information on the scan.  Since Cholangiocarcinoma is a rare and nasty cancer, there is no established plan of attack that has proven successful in all cases.  At the outset of our journey Dr. Polowy fully explained his plan for my treatment and why he chose what he chose for me.  He told us that he is now treating two more patients who have this particular cancer, so we can imagine that my results encouraged him as well.  He is just the best!

I have been overwhelmed by the response of so many people who share our joy. The love and prayers prayed on our behalf just stagger me and I could not possibly thank you all enough in my lifetime.  It will take a lifetime to fully absorb all that has taken place throughout our journey through cancer and I sincerely pray that my experience can benefit others who are walking this walk.

My greatest thanks go to my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, without Whom I could never have come through this. There has not been a millisecond when I was not aware of His presence.

I am so grateful to be able to join the psalmist, David, as he prayed:

"I will extol (praise highly) The Lord at all times;

His praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in The Lord;

Let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify The Lord with me;

Let us exalt (honor) His name together.

I sought The Lord and He answered me;

He delivered me from all my fears......

The angel of The Lord encamps around those who fear Him,

And He delivers them.

Taste and see that The Lord is good;

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him....

The Lord is close to the broken hearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles,

But The Lord delivers him from them all;

He protects all his bones,

Not one of them will be broken......."-Psalm 34:1-4, 7-8,18-20 (NIV).

This will be my last blog post, at least for the time being.  The purpose of the blog has always been to share God's faithfulness in times of chaos and challenge and hopefully this has been accomplished.

On the health front:

I can expect to experience lack of energy and stamina for a while, but other than that, it's clear sailing😊

Praising God!

CANCER-FREE.....two of the most beautiful words in the English language!  Our feet have yet to hit the ground.
We are praising God for this priceless gift.
Until tomorrow.......

My Rock

Just before bedtime last night I talked to BFF, Pat, telling her how peaceful I was about today and what it might bring.  Then I went to bed and dreamed that I was lost in an unfamiliar city where I knew no one, frantically trying to find the oncologist's office with no information as to where it was.  I had also forgotten where I had parked my car, to finish off the scenario.  So much for "the peace that passes understanding"!

The writer of my reading this morning brings me back to the truth that God is my Rock in good times and bad.  I can trust Him at all times, whether that trust comes easily or not. My life and my emotions may be flying in every direction but He is steady and unmovable.  What a perfect reminder for today.

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in The Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding."-Proverbs 3:5 (Amplified Version).

On the health front:

Major butterflies but ready for the suspense to end.

One Day at a Time

Thank you again, Sarah Young, for giving me just what I needed as I get closer to Monday morning at 10:45 when I get the big picture for the next leg of my journey. You reminded me that all I need to do is to hold my Savior's hand and walk with Him joyously through this day.  You reminded me that there is enough beauty all around me at this very moment that there is no need to look ahead.

"Don't worry about what is around the next bend.  Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).

Perfect counsel for today.

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful  and thankful."-Colossians 4:2 (NIV).

On the health front:

Headache, slightly crabby disposition.....Common cold?  Nerves in anticipation of tomorrow?  Who knows, and who cares!  This is the day that The Lord has made. I'm rejoicing and being glad in it😊

Borrowed Inspiration

More often than not I read the words of writers far more gifted than I will ever be, then use them as a springboard for application to my first-time journey through cancer.  Today is no exception. Streams in the Desert rang true for me this morning and I will once again shamelessly borrow inspiration from this beautiful book for my morning musings.

"Never pray for an easier life-pray to be a stronger person!  Never pray for tasks equal to your power-pray for power equal to your tasks.  Then doing your work will be no miracle-you will be the miracle."-Phillips Brooks.

I've thought about this often. I think I now really get it that tough times can produce tough people. An easy existence, in my case anyway, could not have opened my eyes to the truly important things of life to the degree that the challenges have, and I am ever so grateful for the lessons learned.  

BC, my natural tendencies were to consistently seek the easy way, the painless way, of "doing life." Only when all my own choices were taken away and stored for a season by God did I find the courage to forge ahead, trusting always, not sometimes, in Him for direction. 

I sense that the gift of making life choices is gradually being returned to me, and now I trust that my choices will come from a more solid foundation.  I want to be pleasing to God.  He did His part and my prayer is that I have been a good student.  I don't think I'll be actively begging Him for more challenges any time soon, but if they come, I am more prepared for them than I was nearly a year ago. In about forty-eight hours I'll find out whether or not that last statement has any merit😊

"Be men of courage; be strong."-1 Corinthians 16:13.

On the health front:

Sitting outside in the cool pines, how could anything be wrong?

"The strain is the strength..."

He had my attention at the first few sentences:

"An average view of the Christian life is that it means deliverance from trouble.  It is deliverance in trouble, which is very different......... There certainly will be troubles to meet, but Jesus says do not be surprised when they come."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest- Classic Edition).

I confess to an unconscious and unrecognized sense that I would probably not ever have to face a "trouble" such as cancer since I had enjoyed 73 years of good health up to that point, but suddenly, there it was.....and I was surprised! Thankfully, the "surprised" state didn't last long and as I walked further into my journey I was able to lock onto the many promises found in my Bible, and they have been my lifeline.

"The strain is the strength.  If there is no strain, there is no strength.........God never gives strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the minute."-Oswald Chambers.

Good thoughts from old Oswald this morning.  Thanks, BFF Pat, for steering me in his direction.

"......In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."-John 16:33 (KJV).

On the health front:

No strain but ample strength😊

Glance vs. Gaze

Glance-"To look quickly or briefly." (dictionary.com).

Gaze-"To look steadily and intently, as with great curiosity, interest, pleasure or wonder." (dictionary.com).

Sarah Young, paraphrasing Jesus' words, counsels me to do what is counter-intuitive again this morning. When there's a problem, what is my natural reaction? I tend to focus on it, to allow myself to be consumed by it. I gaze at it, often wasting precious time and energy that can never be recaptured. If I paid closer attention I would realize that this is not a productive response.

"Gaze at Me; glance at problems- this is the secret of victorious living.  Your tendency is to gaze at problems for long periods of time, glancing at Me for help....ask Him to help you with difficulties as needed, while reserving the bulk of your attention for Me-your constant companion."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

Such a simple truth and after so many years of walking hand in hand with my Lord I would think that this would be the natural reaction to my current problem- cancer.  Not necessarily so.

So this will be my challenge today.  I will give cancer only the attention that it truly needs.  I will occasionally glance at it and then go on to gaze at the One Who really deserves my attention.

"We fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."-2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV).

On the health front:

At a glance, all is well😊

Mission Accomplished

Yesterday's PET scan is a thing of the past.  I was struck by how time seems to crawl while we're waiting for something, then within the blink of an eye it's over.

The experience could not have gone more smoothly.  Initially I had hoped to write something clever and profound about how the scan applied to my journey through cancer but this morning there is only one thing I want to do.  I want to attempt to find a way to express my awareness of the power of prayer and the peace that accompanied it and how it filled every moment of the procedure, from the infusion of the sugar that rendered me temporarily radioactive to the moment the radiologist pronounced me free to go. No racing heart, no dry mouth, no apprehension...just an incredible, indescribable sense of peace.  And there is not the shadow of a doubt that it's because so many people have been praying on my behalf. How can I ever thank you all?

I'm devoting this post solely to expressing how much I appreciate the many, many times I have been blessed by the outpouring of love from so many.  My wish is that I could have the privilege of returning those blessings over and over again.

"........and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."-James 5:16 (The Message).

" Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."-.John 14:27 (The Message).

On the health front:

My head will be planted firmly in the ground until next Monday😄

Joy, Peace and Hope

In a few hours I'll be fed into a man-made machine made up of steel and who knows what else that will take pictures of my future.  I'm experiencing several emotions thinking about it.  

If I'm remembering the first PET scan correctly, it's preceded by 45 minutes in a cold, darkened room in which I'm hooked up to a line that feeds some kind of a sugar solution into me that will illuminate any rogue cancer cells that might have escaped the chemotherapy and the radiation.  After that it's a trip through the machine that will offer up the big reveal.  I hope the machine is having a good day. The fewer times I have to do this, the better!

I'm reading Sarah Young's paraphrase of Jesus' words again today and am so grateful that my trust needn't be solely in a steel contraption guided by human hands.  My trust is in something, or rather Someone, much bigger and more trustworthy.

"Let Me fill you with My joy and peace.  They flow into you as you sit quietly in My presence, trusting Me in the depths of your being.....Remember that I am the God of hope."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

Such perfect words, not only for today but every day.

So, alongside excitement and impatience I will hold on to joy, peace and hope. And away we go😊

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of The Holy Spirit."-Romans 15:13 (NIV).

On the health front:

Butterflies!

Gratitude....again

I learned a new word this morning.  While reading a reflection from Brennan Manning I came upon the word "lagniappe".  The word has its roots in New Orleans creole and it means "a bonus, gratuity, tip, an unexpected or indirect benefit". (Dictionary.com)

Manning was an ex-priest, author and philosopher who died a rough death this past April, plagued by his addiction to alcohol but still holding on to his faith.  I can't say that I fully embrace everything he wrote but there are enough gems in his work to keep me coming back.

Today he talks about the need for the awareness of our innate poverty. Coming from the foundation of his faith he writes, "......that we were created from the clay of the earth and the kiss of God's mouth, that we came from dust and shall return to dust, pulls away the mask of prestige, of knowledge, of social class, or of strength- whatever it is we use to command attention and respect". That statement could be a real downer and it flies in the face of today's strong focus on our inflated (in my opinion) need for self-esteem, but I have learned the tough lesson through this journey that total dependence on self and trust in the "I can do anything on my own" philosophy just doesn't work at all times and in all situations. Cancer has shown me my absolute inability to handle this burden by myself and it has only strengthened my hold on God's hand.  He has not failed me....not once.

So, it's back to "lagniappe".  "Life is lagniappe.  We are faced with the possibility of genuine humility. I am convinced that without a gut-level experience of our profound spiritual emptiness, it is not possible to encounter the living God."-Brennan Manning (Reflections for Ragamuffins)

I heartily agree.

On the health front:

Let the countdown begin!  In slightly more than 24 hours I'll be having my PET scan.

Please pray that everyone concerned will be amazed by the fact that there is no sign of cancer😊

Blessings of the Storm

After so many years in Arizona one would think that the sudden, fierce storms that occur at this time of year would have become a matter of routine and would be endured with the safe expectation of the clear skies that would follow, as they usually do.  It took an exceptionally fierce rainstorm in Payson not long ago to focus my attention on the storm itself and not on what would follow it.

That storm was spectacular in its fury and spectacularly frightening at the same time.  We realized our utter helplessness in the face of it, but it served again as an example of God's involvement in my life this past year.

Again I realized that while clear skies 100% of the time might seem attractive on the surface, they could have easily dulled me into complacency and I would have missed so many life lessons that have challenged me to expand.  Those storms have taught me to embrace whatever I am given regardless of the comfort level I am experiencing.

"The heavens were filled with blackness and the earth was shaken by the voice of thunder.  It seemed as though that fair landscape was utterly changed and its beauty gone, never to return.....(but) if I had sat in the same place on the following day and said,'Where is that terrible storm, with all its terrible blackness?', the grass would have said, 'Part of it is in me', and the daisy would have said,'Part of it is in me', and the fruits and flowers and everything that grows out of the ground would have said, 'Part of the storm is incandescent in me.'"-Henry Ward Beecher (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).

I have experienced those powerful, daunting storms and can now say, with gratitude, "Part of the storm is in me".

"A blessing is in the storm, and there will be the rich fruitage in the 'afterward'."-Henry Ward Beecher.

"The Lord is slow to anger and great in power...His way is in the whirlwind and the storm....."-Nahum 1:3 (NIV).

On the health front:

Energy level seems to be improving and I have no complaints at all.

I'm really looking forward to the phone call telling me that my blood numbers are where they need to be and that I can eliminate the weekly blood draws and re-enter society.  Hopefully that's just a few weeks away😊

Hope

"Hope is the glorious cord connecting you to heaven.  This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you.......Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).

How could we have come through this journey without hope?  It's hope that has brought us through the muck through which we've trudged and it's hope that has propelled us forward when the road has been smooth.  

Hope for what?  I must say that my immediate hope is that we will hear the words "All clear" at our meeting with Dr. Polowy on August 5, but should that not be the case, our hope will continue, even if it takes a different direction.  Regardless of the outcome, one hope has not changed, nor will it ever. It's the hope that the indescribable, continuous, faithful presence of God throughout our journey has been made evident through my words.  

And best of all, I have the confident, already secured hope that I will meet Him face to face in heaven.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."-Romans 12:12 (NIV).

On the health front:

Occasional odd sensitivities in the digestive area but the scan on Tuesday should reveal whether or not they have a basis in reality.

Reasons for peacefulness

I woke up this morning with a strong inclination to head for Psalms.  After searching several that had great truths but didn't quite hit the mark, I was ready to head in another direction for inspiration.  Just before abandoning the original plan, however, up popped Psalm 91 and Bingo!  There it was.  

Perhaps it's because the sky is pleasantly overcast, perhaps it's because my home seems especially comfy or perhaps it's because Carson just appeared with a Starbuck's Chai Latte, but whatever the reason, it's a peaceful morning and the words of Psalm 91 are ringing especially true.

I am re-visiting the peace that I have been afforded throughout this journey, regardless of the stage in which I found myself.  At times peace was on the surface, easily reachable, and at times I had to dig a little deeper to find it, but it was always there.  I was, and am, profoundly grateful for that gift and there is no doubt in my mind from Whom the gift came.  For that reason I especially thank the writer of this psalm for some special verses:

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty."-Verse 1.

"For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease.  He will cover you with His feathers.  He will shelter you with His wings......."-Verses 3,4.

"Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at mid-day."-Verse 6.

"For He will order His angels to protect you wherever you go.  They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone."-Verses 11,12.

This entire psalm shows me many reasons to claim peace throughout and beyond our journey through cancer.  Just what I needed this morning😊

"The promises of Psalm 91 are meant to engender trust, not  presumption.  Like all genuine prayer, their purpose is not for us to get God to give us what we want but for us to trust Him to give us what He wants- and in the manner He wants to give.  Those who trust The Lord will be cared for in all the ways the psalm says, but not always in the ways we think.  His ways are not our ways."-Ben Patterson (God's Prayer Book:  The Power and Pleasure of Praying the Psalms).  All verses are from The New Living Translation.

On the health front:

Four more days until my PET scan!

Give Thanks

I learned a long time ago to heed the counsel found in 1 Thessalonians 5:18; that I didn't have to thank God for all circumstances, but I needed to develop the mindset of thanking Him in all circumstances. Whew!!  I didn't have to thank Him for cancer but I needed to find ways to thank Him as I went through cancer.  Who in their right mind could be thankful for cancer??  And then, just as I got my brain around that issue, along comes Ephesians 5:20, telling me to give thanks always for cancer!  (Well.... sort of. It says to give thanks for all things, and cancer is certainly a "thing".) So...which one to heed?

C.H.P., whoever he or she was, helped me to understand my dilemma this morning.  "Therefore you can thank God for everything that comes, not for the sin of it, but for what God will bring out of it and through it.......There are many black dots and black spots in our lives and we cannot understand why they are there or why God permitted them to come.  But if we let God come into our lives and adjust the dots in the proper way, and draw the lines He wants, and separate this from that, and put in the rests at the proper places; out of the black dots and spots in our lives He will make a glorious harmony....."-C.H.P. (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).  I get it!

Splitting hairs?  Maybe, but each instruction has its place in the circumstances of my life.  I needn't attempt to combine the two smaller gems into one large gem; I can let each gem shine on its own merit. I can, from my heart, give thanks both in and for our journey through cancer.

"....Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."-1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV).

"...always giving thanks to God for everything, in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ."-Ephesians 5:20 (The Message).

On the health front:

No news is good news😊

The Excellence of Contentment

Why I pick up Rare Jewel of Contentment by Jeremiah Burroughs at 6:45 in the morning, I'll never understand.  His thoughts are so far above mine that I have to take him in bits and pieces and read everything three times before I get it.  But, here I am and off we go!

"There is, indeed, a great deal of excellence in contentment; that is, as it were, another lesson for us to learn." (Italics mine.)  If there is one overall truth that I have taken to heart through this journey, it's that contentment must be learned.  It does not flow continually, nor does it always flow naturally.

I considered myself a generally contented person in my life BC, but looking back I see that my life, while certainly having its challenges, was fairly crisis free.  The larger challenges ebbed and flowed but there was enough space between them that contentment was present much of the time.  Then came the crash.

After the diagnosis came the surgery.  The pain and its accompanying side effects didn't leave any time for even the consideration of contentment.  It was a matter of getting through the days in one piece.  Only when things started to stabilize did the contentment issue arise, and I must confess that I didn't always do well in that department.  I wondered if I could ever again reach the level of contentment that I once enjoyed.  Step by step I was led into what God had to say about the subject and my hard heart was softened and instructed.

Contentment exists and is there for the taking not only in the good times.  In fact, I found it to be especially sweet when I looked for and found it in the bad times. Contentment was modeled for me time and time again in the chemo room during my infusion treatments.  It was modeled early on by my smiling temporary friend, Bea, who was in her 90s and shared the radiation waiting room with me during my radiation treatments.  It was modeled many times in the Bible where ordinary people endured far more than I will ever endure, yet learned to be content with their lot.

The choice is mine.  Do I choose contentment or do I allow myself to wallow in self-pity and discontentment?   Stated that way, it should be an easy choice, but there are still days when it isn't.

Fortunately there are many more days of contentment than discontentment, and today is one of them. For that I am grateful😊

On the health front:

All is as well as it could possibly be.

Reconstruction

For years I've read a small daily devotional called Our Daily Bread.  The contributors are just everyday folks, no recognizable names among them, but I often come away encouraged by the simple parallels drawn to life that I find there.

Today's contributor, Julie Ackerman Link, comes from Michigan and jokes that there are two seasons in her home state:  Winter and road construction.  She writes that the roads are continually damaged by the harsh winters and the repair and reconstruction begins as soon as the ice melts and the roads thaw. "Although we call this work 'construction', much of what they (the workers) do looks more like 'destruction'.  In some cases just patching the hole is not an option.  Workers have to replace the whole road with a new one."

I'm applying Mrs. Link's example of reconstruction this morning to how I have been reconstructed through our journey through cancer. Cancer caused the damage to my "road" and paving the way to a new one surely did seem at times like destruction. Just "patching the hole" was not an option. But along with the reconstruction process not only was my body repaired and strengthened, so was my heart and mind.  

Soon we will discover whether or not my road has been successfully reconstructed for another season but regardless of the result, I have the Master Contractor by my side and whatever needs reconstructing will be reconstructed perfectly.  I have nothing to fear.

"But God isn't destroying anything; He is building a better way.  And we can be confident that the end result will be smoother relationships with others and a closer relationship with Him."-Julie Ackerman Link.

Good thoughts to start the day.

"Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew (reconstruct) a right spirit within me."-Psalm 51:10 (ESV)

On the health front:

Blood draw today with prayers for good results.

Waiting

Another beautiful morning in the pines.  Rain from last night still sits on the deck and the temperature was 58 degrees when we got up.  It's just so easy to see God's hand everywhere in these surroundings.

It's back to the subject of waiting in today's reading in Streams in the Desert.  With my PET scan rapidly approaching it's difficult to keep from mentally running ahead of God's plan.  A part of me wants to do it NOW and get on with the plan, whatever it is, but I know that the days between now and then are meant to be endured and enjoyed with patience.

I often ask God why there is so much waiting involved in this journey through cancer, really knowing the answer but still not finding it an easy task.  "God knows that He cannot gather the fruit until it is ripe, and He knows precisely when we are spiritually ready to receive blessings for our gain and His glory. And waiting in the sunshine of His love is what will ripen our souls for His blessings.  Also, waiting under the clouds of trials is as important, for they will ultimately produce showers of blessings.  Rest assured that if God waits longer than we desire, it's only to make the blessings doubly precious."-Andrew Murray.

Good thoughts to ponder

"Be patient, then, brothers and sisters....see how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the Autumn and Spring rains."-James 5:7 (NIV).

On the health front:

No complaints😊

Thanks

It's Sunday morning and our family (plus a good friend) have just left to return to the valley.  I am sitting outside in the quiet of the forest and in a grateful frame of mind.

This journey through cancer could have taken many turns, but here I am today, absorbing peaceful surroundings and enjoying good health.  It's easy to praise God in times like this moment.  My prayer is that my thanks can be equally forthcoming in the times that are not so perfect.

"Oh give thanks to the Lord,  for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever."-Psalm 107:1 (ESV).

"Great peace have those who love Your law, and nothing can make them stumble."-Psalm 119:165 (NIV). Thank you for this beautiful verse, sister Jan.  I love you.

On the health front:

As promised, no complaints.

God's Power and Majesty

It could have been the 4th of July here outside of Payson last night.  We witnessed a storm that was one of the most spectacular in our memories.  In fact, one of lightning strikes was so close that Carson actually dropped to the ground.....probably a throwback to his Army training.  The rain poured so hard that the gutters overflowed for an hour.  And here we are, just an hour and a half from home in Mesa.  Who'd have thought?

I was impacted  by several things after witnessing this indescribable sight:

God's power is so much greater than my puny little mind could ever comprehend.

I am completely helpless in the face of His power.

This all-powerful God Who made the heavens and the earth also made me.

He had His plan in place for me before I was born.

He has been 100% faithful throughout our journey through cancer.

He will always be by my side.

Nothing is too much for Him.

And, above all, why should He even care?

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

"O Lord, our Lord, how excellent is Your name in all the earth!  Who has set Thy glory above the heavens..... 

When I consider Thy heavens, the work of Thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which Thou hast ordained; what is man that Thou visitist (care about) him?....

O Lord, our Lord, how excellent is Thy name in all the earth!"-Psalm 8:1,3,4,9 (KJV). (Psalms  just beg to be read in The King James Version.)

(This psalm is for you, David Feenstra.)

On the health front:

All complaints will be suspended until next week😊

Gratitude

We are running away from home for a few days.  The last time we tried this things didn't go as planned and we were home the next day, so we're hoping for a more successful experience this time around.

This morning's readings were reassuring and valuable but didn't point me in a clear direction for a post. I'm viewing that as a reason to just be thankful today for the blessings that are allowing us to look forward to a few days with family in a cooler climate.  Just a month or two ago I wouldn't have been able to do this so I am feeling very fortunate.

I am aware of a sense of peace and confidence that can only come from above. Perhaps that's why Psalm 32 hit the nail on the head today:

I talk to God:

"You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."-Psalm 32:7 (NIV)

He talks to me:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and keep My loving eye on you."-Psalm 32:8 (NIV)

What a lovely conversation.

On the health front:

I had my port flushed yesterday and was able to corral my nurse long enough for her to interpret Tuesday's blood draw results.  There was a slight improvement in my hemoglobin number and everything else is holding steady.  I was hoping for a little more exciting report but I guess I still need a bit more instruction in patience😊

Words of Wisdom

I had a mentor when I was a younger woman with kids still at home.  She didn't know she was my mentor but she would have been amazed at the number of women, and probably men as well, who took her words to heart.  Her name was Erma Bombeck and she died of cancer 'way too soon.

I recently came across some of the observations she recorded after she was diagnosed and they are worth sharing.  As you can guess, there's nothing here of a particularly spiritual nature but Erma's words bear contemplation.  

Here goes:

"I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending that the world would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."

"I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose instead of letting it melt in storage."

"I would have talked less and listened more."

"I would have invited friends over for dinner even if the carpet was stained or the sofa faded."

"I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace."

"I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth."

"I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband."

"I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life."

"When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... now go get washed up for dinner'.  There would have been a lot more 'I love you's and more 'I'm sorry's."

"But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it...live it... and never give it back."

Funny how a cancer diagnosis can make a person so wise.

On the health front:

I'll have my port flushed today and find out more about my blood draw results.  

Nothing else to report at the moment😊

Back into the vineyard

Wayne Jacobsen continues his beautiful parallels between my season of cancer and the seasons of the vineyard of his childhood this morning.  We're into the full force of summer in his father's vineyard and Mr. Jacobsen's observations resonate, with one difference.  The grapes in his vineyard are experiencing some mixed blessings as they feel the full force of their stress under the  unrelenting heat of the sun.  My situation differs slightly in that the intense heat of my summer is past.  My treatment is finished and I can look forward to a less stressful season. My intense heat is recent enough, however, that Jacobsen's words continue to give comfort.

The grapes need the sun in order to ripen but at the same time they experience stress under its intense rays.  The grapes' strength can be zapped and the quality of the fruit can be affected.  "This is summer in my father's vineyard, and it models one of the greatest paradoxes of our faith: Fruitfulness rises out of a hostile climate."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).

Jacobsen rightly asks, "Who wants to dwell on suffering when we can talk about prosperity, blessing, and the abundant life?"  And I would have to answer, "I would!"  It truly has been the toughest of times in this journey that have caused my roots to go the deepest.  I would qualify my statement by saying that my intention is not to dwell on the suffering but I never want to forget it since it was a valuable companion for a long time.  I would even go so far as to invite my Great Physician to allow me to go through occasional discomforts as I continue on my way just to keep me aware of my continual need for Him. "We don't rejoice in trouble for trouble's sake, but we do realize that trials can purify our faith and increase our fruitfulness."-Wayne Jacobsen.

So, once again I am encouraged by this beautiful book, a gift from BFF Pat.  And now it's on to another good day!

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."-Romans 5:3,4 (NIV).

On the health front:

No news on blood test results so I will consider that good news.  I have an appointment to have my port flushed tomorrow so I'll get a copy of the results from my nurse and she will interpret them for me. Until then, "Ignorance is bliss."😄

Thanking Him....again

I'm back with Jeremiah Burroughs this morning.  His writings challenge me not only in the truths he highlights but in his writing style.  Since he lived in the 1600s his use of words is obviously going to differ from today's writing style, but that's part of the fun of reading his stuff.

Burroughs reminds me of another of God's mysteries; how He often brings His people into a low condition before He drops a great mercy on them.  I can testify to the truth of this.  I would never have known the degree of God's goodness today had I not been brought into a low condition. But how does this work?

"Usually when God intends the greatest mercy to any of His people He brings them into the lowest condition.  God seems to go quite across and work in a contrary way.......If it is a bodily mercy, an outward mercy, that He intends to bestow, He brings them physically low, and outwardly low.....Usually the people of God, before the greatest comforts, have the greatest afflictions and sorrows."-Jeremiah Burroughs (Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment).  And as examples he uses Joseph and David, two key figures of the Old Testament:

"When He intended to raise Joseph to be second in the kingdom, God cast him into a dungeon a little before."  And, "So when God intended to raise David and set him upon the throne, He made him to be hunted as a partridge in the mountains."

It appears that I'm in good company even if I'll never be "second in the kingdom" or "set upon the throne", but I have been brought physically low and I thank God often for this.  Life has become even more precious than before and I can attest to the goodness of God in every step of our journey through cancer.  I might have missed so many blessings had God not worked in His seemingly contrary way.

On the health front:

Blood draw this morning and I will be watching those numbers carefully as I inch my way back to good health😊

David's example

A fiction writer looking to write the ultimate novel that would contain sibling rivalry, combat, intrigue, fame, murder, treachery, moral excellence and moral failure would do well to base his main character on David of the Old Testament.  David lived it all and I always have the feeling that I am looking into his  heart and mind when I read the psalms that he penned.  This morning I'm returning to a couple of verses in Psalms 3 and 4 that express my gratitude so well.  I've posted on them in the past but here they are again.

David had a son named Absolom who was a favorite of his father as a younger man but who turned on David  later and caused him much sorrow.  When David wrote Psalm 3 his life was in great danger from the armies of Absolom, yet he (David) could write, "I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for The Lord was watching over me."  (Verse 5-NLT).  What confidence!

And again, in Psalm 4, David praises his God and says, "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, will keep me safe."  (Verse 8-NLT).

If David, in the midst of his challenges, can claim these truths, how much more can I claim them in the midst of my challenges that pale in comparison to his.  

On the health front:

Today promises to be a good day😊

More perfectly timed encouragement

As I have mentioned before, the purpose of this blog has always been to give credit where credit is due in this journey through cancer. My purpose has never been to attempt to sway anyone to my belief system, nor has it been to infer that blessings cannot be recognized without the acceptance of my spiritual foundation, but the hardy souls who follow this blog have recognized that for me, my encouragement and guidance has come from God.
Inspiration does not come easily every morning since many of my reading sources are written specifically to the belief system of Christianity. While those readings strengthen my personal belief system, they do not specifically and obviously lend themselves to an application to these past ten months of my life.  This was the case this morning.  After reading three or four daily thought-provoking writings I was wondering why I couldn't find just the right one for this stage of my game.  And, as often happens, when I am ready to take the day off from posting, the last one is the prize.  It's fairly short and my personal directions from above are so concise in this paraphrase that I will share it in its entirety.

"Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you.  Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart.  I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain.  The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak.  Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy.  All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction.  Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend.  Stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is truly the path of Life."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).
 

This encouragement is perfect for me today since I have been experiencing a few great days followed by a couple of not so great days and I find myself looking forward impatiently to some consistency.  This message is just what I needed.

"...though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand."-Psalm 37:23-24 (NIV).

On the health front:
Pretty much summed up above.  July 30, the date for my PET scan, is just a couple of weeks away and I am ready!

Impatience

Sarah Young to the rescue again today.  As we get closer to the finish line I get more impatient and I need to be re-directed again and again.  I don't know exactly what I'm expecting but whatever it is, I want it now!  Mrs. Young's way of paraphrasing Jesus' words far surpasses mine so this morning's post will utilize quotes that spoke to me this morning regarding my impatience.  All of them are from Jesus Today.

"You seek relief and I make you wait.  Just remember:  There are many different ways to wait, and some are much better than others.  Beneficial waiting involves looking to Me continually-trusting and loving Me." (You'd think I would have learned this by now!)

"Thank Me for this time of neediness, when you must depend on Me more than usual.  Do not miss this opportunity by wishing it away."  (But it's so tempting to wish it away!)

"Don't let your past or present suffering contaminate your future.  I am the Lord of your future and I have good things in store for you." (Hold that thought, Barb!)

And I'll hold on firmly to the truth of the verse in Lamentations that promises, "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him."- Lamentations 3:25 (NKJV).

And that's just what I needed this morning😊

On the health front:

It's a good day.

Peace

My day didn't start out particularly well for some reason....a bit of a surprise since I've had a couple of really good days.  I'm sure things will pick up as the day progresses but the up side of having a beginning such as this is that it helped me to relate well to Sarah Young's writing this morning.  Her subject is Peace.

Sarah reminds me that there are a couple of things to consider about the subject of peace.  First, I must recognize the need for it in my life and secondly, I must believe that it is attainable.  I have thoroughly learned through this cancer odyssey that I can't do all things at all times on my own and that life can get upside down in an amazingly short period of time.  I have asked for that elusive peace on more occasions than I can count and have found that it can, indeed, exist in the midst of chaos, as hard to believe as that seems.

"I made it clear that this [Peace] is a gift; something I provide freely and lovingly. So your responsibility is to receive this glorious gift, acknowledging to Me not only your need but also your desire.  Then wait expectantly in My presence, ready to receive My peace in full measure."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

There is so much truth in these few thoughts this morning and once again I'm in Sarah Young's debt for bringing them to the forefront at just the right time.

"Now may The Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way....."-2 Thessalonians 3:16-(NIV).  

On the health front:

I got an encouraging report yesterday from the oncologist's office.  Although my white blood cell count and hemoglobin numbers are still below normal, things are moving in the right direction.  Now I think I will re-read my posts on Patience😄

Waiting and Trusting

This morning's inspiration comes from a truth that was brought to my attention through Streams in the Desert, a little book that is practically coming apart at its seams due to constant use.  I'm reading about the prophet Elijah and a situation in which he found himself back in 1 Kings in the Old Testament.

God had directed Elijah to a place where there was a productive stream that served not only the needs of the people but of birds and animals as well.  After a time that brook began to dry up and the birds and wildlife started leaving in search of a better source of water and eventually the stream dried up altogether.  Elijah was confident that he had been directed to that part of the country for a purpose so he waited for further instructions from God.  "Week after week, with unfaltering and steadfast spirit, Elijah watched that dwindling brook; often tempted to stagger through unbelief, but refusing to allow his circumstances to come between himself and God."-F.B. Meyer (Streams in the Desert).  And, as Elijah trusted would happen, God rewarded that patient spirit and guided him forward.

Meyer observed how many of us (and this applied to me more than once!) would have become anxious as our stream , whatever that stream represented, began to dry up and we would begin to devise our own plans for finding a new source of supply.  That truth has a familiar ring as I look back on the earlier period of our journey through cancer.  I wasted so much time running ahead of God until I realized that my plans for myself could never hold a candle to His plans for me. 

I'm not sure if I'll ever get it completely right but until I do I'll continue to follow Meyer's encouragement to "Wait, patiently wait!"-Psalm 27:14.

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever."-1 Chronicles 16:34  (ESV).

On the health front:

It was a good day yesterday.  No news on Tuesday's blood draw results so I guess I'll be calling the oncologist's office today.

Thanks so much for your prayers😊

Praise and Thanksgiving

On a journey such as ours it's easy to get caught up in the moment, therefore missing the benefits of stepping back to take a look at the big picture.  The negatives seem to outweigh the positives at times and it's easy to miss blessings along the way.  For that reason I'm enjoying again the gems found in the book I received from a good friend titled The Tremendous Power of Prayer by Charlie "Tremendous" Jones and Bob Kelly.  This small volume is filled with Bible verses and observations from wise folks on many subjects but this morning I'm looking exclusively at the subjects of praise and thanksgiving. The Bible verses are from the New International Version.

"Be joyful always;...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."-1 Thessalonians 5:16, 18.  At first it was easier to just practice the "in" part of this verse but now I also thank and praise Him for all circumstances as well.  Who would have thought that time would come!

"Too often we forget to thank God for answered prayer.  Praise is the proper punctuation mark for answered prayer."-Cadle Call.  I'm often guilty of this.  May I never take answered prayer for granted.

"The worship most acceptable to God comes from a thankful and cheerful heart."-Plutarch.  I so often catch myself asking in prayer rather than thanking in prayer. This just might be my focal thought for today.

"Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name."-Psalm 100:4.  I never tire of this verse.

"It is always possible to be thankful for what is given rather than complain about what is not given. One or the other becomes a habit of life."-Elisabeth Elliot.  I've used this quote in a previous post but it's so good I couldn't resist doing it again.

And that's enough to chew on for one day.  

On the health front:

No (blood) news is good news?  One can always hope😊

Weathering the Storms

I was raised in Minnesota, "The Land of 10,000 Lakes", but I never learned to swim well.  (Actually, there are 11,842 lakes according to Wikipedia.)  I was thrown into the deep end of a pool as a kid and was apparently traumatized by it because being in the water has never been a pleasant experience.  Maybe that's why I notice the many references to lakes, water and storms in the Bible.  I can identify with the disciples as they became uncomfortable and fearful during the times they were on lakes during storms, because our journey through cancer has involved storms. 

There is a very real sense of helplessness in a storm, whether the storm is literal or figurative.  There are forces at work far beyond our control.  Job wondered where God was in his distress as he observes, "You snatch me up in the wind and toss me about in the storm".-Job 30:22.  And in Isaiah I read of "the afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted"-Isaiah 54:11.  In Jonah I read, "Then The Lord sent a great wind upon the sea and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up."-Jonah 1:4.  I felt that helplessness in the periods of storm on our journey but God never left me to flounder during those times.  He regularly talked to me through Bible verses that reassured me that I was neither responsible for controlling my own ship nor providing for my own safety through those periods of helplessness.  

"You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in their distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat."-Isaiah 25:4.  I could, and did, count on God for shelter.  

"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.  They were glad when it grew calm and He guided them to their desired haven."-Psalm 107:29, 30.  He did and I was!

"Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake so that the waves swept over the boat, but Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples woke Him, saying, 'Lord, save us! We're going to drown!'  ....then He got up and rebuked the waves, and it was completely calm."-Matthew 8:24-26.  And so it was.

So I have nothing to fear when those storms come along, even if I am a lousy swimmer.  I have the very best Life Preserver that anyone could hope for.

"The voyage is long, the waves high, the storms pitiless,

But my helm is held steady,

Thy Word secures safe passage,

Thy grace wafts me onward,

My haven is guaranteed."-The Valley of Vision:  A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.

On the health front:

I had my blood draw this morning so it's wait and see time again.  I'd sure welcome some improvement!

True Wealth

Jeremiah Burroughs, bless his old soul, has the ability to amaze me, to challenge me, to confuse me and to cause me to think outside the box.  And that's a lot, considering he only lived for forty-six short years.  Today his writings address the issue of wealth.
Burroughs uses the example of a man who was once very wealthy but lost it all.  He (Burroughs) hypothetically asks that man what it is that he misses the most about his loss.  The man replies that he misses the wonderful food that his wealth afforded him.  He misses the ability to dress like a prosperous man and he misses the respect his wealth brought him from others.  He misses not being able to store money away for his future and for the futures of his children.  He grieves the loss of his wealth.
Then Burroughs asks the same hypothetical question of another man who has also lost great wealth.  This time the man answers that he misses being able to share his wealth with others less fortunate than himself.  He misses being able to travel to far off places to benefit his distant "brethren", in Burroughs' language of the 1600s.  He admits to missing the creature comforts that his wealth afforded him but he is not grieving the loss of his wealth.  "And now that God has taken this away from me, if He will be pleased to make up the enjoyment of Himself some other way, will call me to honor Him by suffering, and if I may do God as much service now by suffering, that is, by showing forth the grace of His Spirit in my sufferings, as I did in prosperity, I have as much of God as I had before.  So if I may be led to God in my low condition as much as I was in my prosperous condition, I have as much comfort and contentment as I had before."-Jeremiah Burroughs (Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment).  Burroughs, having lived from 1600-1646, used a very different writing style than that of today but he spoke to me strongly through his words.
I had great health (my"wealth", for today's purposes).  If Jeremiah were to have asked me at the beginning of my journey through cancer what it was that I missed most about my great health I would honestly have had to answer that I missed the comfort and the freedom it afforded me.  I missed the ability to set my own agenda and carry it out.  I missed relying on myself for the comforts I enjoyed.  I was limitless in my choices.  I grieved the loss of my "wealth". 
But today I would answer very differently.  Today I honestly do miss my former health but I no longer grieve the loss of it.  Instead I thank God for it.  It has opened my eyes to needs of those who are less fortunate that those of us who have had the privilege of enjoying good health.  It has stretched my compassion capacity.  It has allowed me to see life through the eyes of those who are suffering.  It has increased immeasurably my dependence on God for all the things of this life.  I depend on Him for life's blessings and, as strange as it may sound, I depend on Him for sprinkling my life liberally with periods of discomfort and challenge, if only to keep me connected to those around me.  And given more time I could come up with more reasons for thanking Him for my present circumstances.
Thank you, Jeremiah Burroughs, for your great insights and for your ability to allow us to see what are the really important things in life through your beautiful words.

On the health front:
This promises to be another great day!

Total frustration

I have spent the last hour reading some exceptional writing by Jeremiah Burroughs and composing my post after applying it to my current situation.  Obviously there was something in that post that was not intended to hit cyberspace because my finger slipped from SAVE to DISCARD and the whole thing is gone!
Please bear with me as I attempt to get over some very non-productive emotions.  The post will appear, but I'm just not sure when.  Right now I need to get away from this computer in order to cool down.

The Bottomless Well

Re-reading a few of my last posts I see that I've overdone it in the whining department.  Before it gets to be a habit I'm going to focus on more positive things.

In My Father's Vineyard by Wayne Jacobsen always encourages me to look for the many parallels between a healthy vineyard and a healthy self, the intent being that sweet wine will result from both.

Mr. Jacobsen has brought me from Winter to Summer in the vineyard and the pressure is on to keep the grapes healthy through the season between promise and harvest.  His boyhood home and the site of his father's vineyard, the San Joaquin Valley, is irrigated desert and from mid- May until November there is little or no rain.  I am encouraged by the author to view myself in this season as the root of the vine with my primary need being the provision of nourishment in order that I may support this plant well.

"In a farmer's way of thinking, if a vine dies for lack of water, it's the farmer's fault. He is responsible to provide sufficient water.  Spiritually, however, the responsibility for how deep our roots plunge belongs to us.  God always provides sufficient water, but we must develop roots that go deep enough to absorb the water, to outlast the heat of summer."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).

I'm reminded that I can expect "arid and brutal times", in the words of Jacobsen, as I proceed through the seasons of my life, but these times are not to be viewed as defeating.  Rather, they are to be considered as simply another necessary season in order to produce fruit.

"Roots that grow deep are not affected by temporal circumstances.  They can weather heat and pressure, drawing from God's life with the same joy as if it were raining in Spring."-Wayne Jacobsen.

So, it appears that the responsibility of drinking from the never-ending source of nourishment is mine.  If the well seems dry, I haven't gone deep enough.  My mandate from Mr. Jacobsen is to develop the deep root structure that results from "an abiding friendship with Jesus". 

Writing this blog has kept me in the abiding friendship to which Mr. Jacobsen refers, and for that I am grateful.  My Source of nourishment is there for the taking, regardless of the season of my journey. God promises that my vineyard need never run out of water.

"It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."-Jeremiah 17:8 (NIV).

"I, The Lord, watch over it; I water it continually."-Isaiah 27:3 (NIV).

On the health front:

It wasn't a great day yesterday but today is new and we'll see what it brings😊

Hands Off

I'm antsy and impatient.  This lull between my last treatment and my getting back to life seems as if it's taking forever.  Apparently I needed the gentle reminder again this morning that time exists only in my world, not God's, and that His plan for me is better than the one I would craft for myself.

A well- meaning Israelite, Uzzah, learned the hard way that God meant business when He told the Israelites to leave the things of God to God.  His instructions were to keep their hands off the ark of God as it was transported from place to place.  The oxen carrying the ark stumbled and well- meaning Uzzah reached out to steady the precious cargo and was dropped on the spot. Personally, I think that was a pretty stiff consequence but God obviously meant business when He said, "Hands off My plan for you!".

Thankfully I haven't been dealt with that sternly when I've attempted to mess with God's plan for me. I'd prefer that this recovery phase would move faster but again I'm reminded , "If we wholly trust an interest to God, we must keep our hands off it; and He will guard it for us better than we can help Him.  Rest in The Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not thyself..."-A.B. Simpson (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).  A timely reminder, and much needed.

"It is such a comfort to drop the tangles of life into God's hands and leave them there."-(Streams in the Desert).

I think I'll do just that....again.

On the health front:

I received a mixed report yesterday.  Though my hemoglobin and platelets show improvement, it is only slight.  My white blood cell count still renders me "slightly neutropenic", which means no movie theaters or group activities yet.  

Frustrating but not discouraging.  Things are moving, albeit slowly, in the right direction.

Thanks

It's a Psalms kind of day today. I often go to Ben Patterson's God's Prayer Book: The Power and Pleasure of Praying the Psalms for inspiration and I'm never disappointed.  (Thank you again, George, for the gift of this book.)

Many of the psalms were written by David and what a life he led!  When I'm discouraged I can read of David's challenges and I am ashamed that I complain. When he escapes his enemies, I can thank God that I have never had to face enemies of the magnitude that David faced.  When David thanks and praises his God for safety and victory, he (David) gives me the words with which to thank God for His faithfulness to me.

Today has started well and I will join with David as he gives thanks: 

"Let all that I am praise The Lord; with my whole heart I will praise His holy name.

Let all that I am praise The Lord; may I never forget the good things He does for me."-Psalm 103:1,2 (NLT).

Remembering these verses will carry me through, regardless of what the day may bring.

On the health front:

Absolutely no complaints😊

Delayed answers

The message of a small book, Expectation Corner, now out of print, is the subject of today's reading in Streams in the Desert.  (I did find one used hardcover copy available at Amazon for a mere $150, but I opted to pass on it.)  The main character, Adam Slowman, is led into the Lord's treasure houses and sees a room labeled Delayed Blessings Office.  In this room are kept the answers to the prayers of many people that would be answered at the time God deemed appropriate.

I have learned (to a degree) after many years that when my prayers are not answered immediately it doesn't mean that they haven't been heard or that they have been denied.  Have I learned that truth peacefully and acceptingly?  Not always!  

Many times my prayers have gone heavenward as a result of frustration or dissatisfaction and were not God-honoring.  They didn't deserve to be answered immediately. And even now I struggle with prayers of frustration.  

Truthfully, I am ready to be finished with this cancer journey.  I am ready for a body that is as energetic as an old body can be.  I am ready to be able to go out among people whenever I choose and interact once again with friends. But when I look objectively at those prayers, I see Me! Me! Me! at their core.  And it's then that I realize that the answers to those prayers most likely are residing in God's Delayed Blessings Office and will probably stay there until I grow up.

How does He remain so patient with me! 

"The Lord...surrounds me with lovingkindness and tender mercies."-Psalm 103:2,4 (TLB)

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time...though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."-Habakkuk 2:3 (translation unknown)

On the health front:

No call from the oncologist's office regarding Tuesday's blood test results and since the office is closed today I can stay in my chosen state of optimism until I call them tomorrow.

Holding...

Pilots are often put into holding patterns as they wait for permission to land their planes.  I'm guessing that this could be frustrating for the pilot who has completed the hardest part of his journey and is looking forward to getting the plane on the ground and moving on to other things.  But it is the job of the control tower to see that the landing will be a safe one even if it involves keeping the pilot in the air and under its control for a period of time.

I feel as if I am in a holding pattern.  The toughest part of my journey has been completed and I am eager for my safe landing, but I'm still under the command of the control tower and have not yet been given permission to land.  It's not quite safe to settle firmly onto the runway, shut off the plane and walk away to other things.  And there are lessons to be learned here.

If I live my life only looking forward to the next step I will miss the lessons of the moment.  I will miss the comfort of being still, of being quiet, of being teachable. I will miss opportunities to hone my patience skills and I will miss opportunities to focus on the needs of others.

So as I pray for others today I will also thank God for this holding pattern in which He, my ultimate Control Tower, has put me.  And I look forward to my safe landing.

"Be still and know that I am God."-Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

"Indeed, I am composed and quiet, like a young child carried by its mother; I am content like the young child I carry."-Psalm 131:2 (NET)

"Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness."-Psalm 86:11 (The Message)

"For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..."-Galatians 5:22 (ESV)

"My command is this:  Love each other as I have loved you."-John 15:12 (NIV)

On the health front:

No news from the control tower this morning, so I will again enjoy the benefits of an "Ignorance is bliss" mentality until I get more information😊

Faithfulness

As I get closer to stepping back into life I'm concentrating on my need to continue to stay close to The One Who has surrounded me throughout this journey through cancer.  The last couple of days have been less than conducive to sitting quietly to read and to contemplate and appreciate the truths that I have discovered and re- discovered over this past year.  I suspect that these challenges will do nothing but increase as I taste more freedom, and there's a sadness in that.  

Do I wish that I could remain in my limited life? In a way, yes... but that would mean staying up close and personal with cancer, and that's not an option I choose.  So, my assignment is to discover a way to keep myself in both worlds successfully.  And I believe I can accomplish that quite simply by continually remembering God's faithfulness to me throughout my challenges. Did He ever take a day off?  Did He ever say, "I'll get back to you on that"?  Of course not!  He never failed me and in my own limited way I never want to fail Him.  My world will change but God never does.

A simple assignment?  Maybe......and then again, maybe not.

"Know therefore that The Lord your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments."-Deuteronomy 7:9 (NIV)

"I will always sing about The Lord's love; I will tell of His loyalty from now on.  I will say 'Your love continues forever; Your loyalty goes on and on like the sky'"-Psalm 89:1-2 (NCV)

On the health front:

I had my weekly blood draw this morning so by this afternoon I should know what's what in that department.

My PET scan is scheduled for July 30 and is scheduled to be interpreted for us on August 5.

Keep praying, please!

Sadness today

I have two friends whose parents are near death.  I have another friend who had to evacuate her home in Yarnell, not knowing whether or not her home survived the wildfire.  Nineteen families face the reality of not having their firefighters come home.  I am distracted and blogging inspiration is not forthcoming this morning. If it does, the post will be late.  In the meantime there is plenty to pray about.

Random thoughts

This morning my thoughts are scattered, but in a semi- organized way, if that's possible.  I think it has something to do with the approaching reality that I will soon be sprung from my "enforced rest" and allowed the privilege of re-entering life as I once knew it.  I hope I will re-enter it a different person.  I have been radically changed and I hope it has been for the better.

I have realized that a piece of my sense of self- worth had its basis in accomplishments (not that they have been of any particular significance in the whole scheme of things).  Another realization is that I took my good health completely for granted.  And yet another is that I could have been far more compassionate and caring than I was.  

I have learned that a major health challenge is not necessarily a bad thing.  I have gained a new appreciation for the kindness of others.  I have especially come to see a new depth in the love I have for my husband and the love he has for me.

Above all, I have discovered so much more about the sufficiency of my God.  He has met me at each of my needs, having charted my path even before I knew what that path would be.  He took me to a new level of dependence, both physically and spiritually, and when I had no earthly direction left, there He was, waiting patiently.  I hope I have finally and forever learned the simple but profound lesson that I always need to seek Him first, not just when my earthly options have run out.

I think of our Marine son, Chris, who first had to experience Boot Camp during which he was mentally and physically stripped of his former self and then rebuilt as a United States Marine.  I have indeed experienced Spiritual Boot Camp.  I have had all my earthly props removed and have been redesigned as a woman with a new appreciation of what my foundation should be. It has not always been a pleasant experience but for it I am so very grateful.  And there's so much more.

This may not be the most coherent of all my posts but that's where I am today. Thanks for bearing with me.

On the health front:

The constant fatigue has morphed into semi- constant fatigue so I suspect something positive is occurring inside.  I measure my energy level by meager accomplishments, such as being able to dry and style my hair standing up rather than sitting down and I've had a week in a standing position😊

I suspect that the hemoglobin and platelet counts are still unsatisfactory based on the occurrence of a relatively insignificant bumping of my arm that resulted in a bruise the size of a small lemon. (TMI?)

My weekly blood draws are continuing and our real day of celebration will occur when I hear from the oncologist's office that all is normal on the numbers front and I can cease those weekly visits.

Lots to be thankful for these days.

Love and Pray

Wonderful reflection by David H. Roper in Our Daily Bread today. Since getting older is his focus, I can relate!

Throughout this still somewhat unpredictable adventure I've often been reminded of how the aging process has seemed to accelerate since my diagnosis last October.  Depending on my mood of the moment, this can be discouraging or it won't bother me at all.  Today it is not discouraging, so off we go!

Mr. Roper reminds me that even as my body loses its ability to do the things it once could do, I can still love and I can still pray.  And there is so much to love and so many people and situations about which to pray that I never need fear running out of opportunities. 

"Love and prayer are mighty works indeed, the mightiest works for any of us.  Why?  Because our God, Who wants to use us, is an all-loving and all-powerful God."-David H. Roper (Our Daily Bread).

And I especially like this quote:

"In a popular children's book, Winnie the Pooh watches Kanga bound away. 'I wish I could jump like that', he thinks.  'Some can and some can't. That's how it is'."-Contributed by David H. Roper.

Life and all it entails has become even more precious since having cancer.  It is my privilege to love and to pray while I walk this earth.

"They will still bear fruit in old age; they will stay fresh and green."-Psalm 92:14 (NIV)

On the health front:

As of 8:20 AM all is well😊

Rest

I'm surrounded by silence this morning.  Carson has headed north for a well-deserved day of calling his own shots and I have the luxury of sipping coffee, still in my bathrobe at 8:00 AM.  It looks as if it will be a day of rest.

Yesterday I was wonderfully overwhelmed by inspiration from several sources and it was tough to choose one topic for my post, so today I'm re-visiting one of those topics.

"Rest" has taken up much of this journey through cancer. In the past I thought of rest as something within my control.  Rest was a peaceful state, one that was chosen when needed and pleasant in nature.  Then I was introduced to enforced rest.  My body was put into a place where I had nothing to say about when I rested and this new enforced rest was often accompanied by pain and discomfort. I eventually recognized that a common component of rest, whether chosen or enforced, was healing.

Today I am privileged to be able to choose rest. I have been given permission to do it, actually. 

"Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.  The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.....Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling)

As this aged body seeks its new path I take such encouragement in knowing that I have a hand to hold that will never loosen its grip.  Who couldn't rest knowing that!

"I am with you and will watch you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."-Genesis 28:15 (NIV).

On the health front:

I thoroughly enjoyed spending early Thursday afternoon in the comfort of my own home rather than attached to a chemo pole. Thursday evening brought a low fever but it didn't go anywhere so I'm happy to report that there is nothing of significance to report😊

Strength

Today's reflections in Streams in the Desert really resonate with me this morning. The main topic is strength, and it's not surprising that I can identify with the subject since strength in several of its forms has been perhaps my biggest challenge on this journey through cancer.  Even before getting out of bed in the morning I do a mental "strength assessment". How strong do I feel physically? How strong do I feel mentally and spiritually?  And there is usually a different answer each morning.

I have been tested at every level of strength and I will honestly admit that I have not passed every test with flying colors.  I have gone through the "I just can't do this!" stage to the "I can do this!" and back again on a regular basis.  But I have ceased to beat myself up over my lack of consistency and have gratefully given in to the comfort of resting in the arms of my Great Physician, knowing that He will meet my needs whenever and wherever.  It's His strength that is consistent and for that reason mine doesn't have to be.

"The Lord is my strength to go up.  He is to me the power by which I can climb the Hill of Difficulty and not be afraid.  

The Lord is my strength to go down.  It is when we leave the bracing heights, where the wind and sun have been about us, and when we begin to come down the hill into closer and more sultry spheres, that the heart is apt to grow faint.

The Lord is my strength to go on.  He gives us the power to tread the dead level, to walk the long lane that seems never to have a turning, to go through those long reaches of life which afford no pleasant surprises, and which depress the spirits in the sameness of terrible drudgery."-The Silver Lining (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).

Lovely!  Couldn't have said it better myself.

"Do not grieved, for the joy of The Lord is your strength."-Nehemiah 8:10b (NIV).

On the health front:

No particular challenges this morning.  I am a happy woman😄

Perserverance

Today's forecast promises 106 degree weather so I'm going back into My Father's Vineyard where it's always cool and pleasant.

It's almost eerie how the chapters I'm reading in this beautiful book parallel the seasons I'm going through on this journey, but nothing happens without a reason so I read on in amazement, learning so much along the way.

Wayne Jacobsen continues to recall the seasons spent as a child in his earthly father's vineyard in California's San Joaquin Valley. He has brought me through Winter and Spring, and now it's Summer, the time for the maturing of the grapes.  The beauty of the Spring's exploding beauty has passed and the keeper of the vineyard is working hard at maintaining the grapes in this season between promise and harvest.

Mr. Jacobsen suggests that this season between promise and harvest exists in my life as well.  

First came the dormant season of Winter, a season of deadness that might describe the time around my diagnosis.  Nothing looked promising.  Everything looked lifeless, blanketed in coldness.  But after a period of deadness followed the promise of Spring as the decisions for treatment began that would hold the possibility of life and new growth.  The weeds of cancer would be destroyed and the new growth of healthy cells could begin.  This would be a season of beauty, of hope.

It's now Summer, both both physically and spiritually.  The treatment has ended but the routines of irrigation and cultivation that the farmer must maintain in the summer vineyard must be continued in my body as well.  I must persevere in attention to it and how it speaks to me of its needs.  This is not the time to drop the tools of cultivation as I look forward to the season of harvest, the season of enjoying a body that is healthy once again.  The Father of my vineyard never fails to provide the tools I need in order to realize the abundant harvest that I fully expect, and I thank Him constantly.

I also thank BFF Pat every time I enter My Father's Vineyard. It speaks to me every time.

"I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins.  I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw:  A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man."-Proverbs 24:30-34 (NIV).

On the health front:

A phone call from the oncologist's office yesterday revealed that my white blood cell count is low but not of major concern, so no more Neupogen for this week, at least.  Yay!  The areas of concern are my hemoglobin and platelet counts.  The oncology nurse said that as long as I am asymptomatic (no symptoms) I will not require a blood transfusion.  My main goal is to remain asymptomatic😊

Celebrating the day

I'm posting a bit late today but a nice result of the lateness of the hour is that it has given me more time to experience the truth of Sarah Young's paraphrase of Jesus' words where I am encouraged to receive each day as a gift.  (Whew....that was a long sentence!)  I'm reminded again that before my feet hit the floor this morning my day had already been planned for me.  My job is to receive it with thanksgiving regardless of what it may bring.

My friend and cancer- sister, Joyce, helps me to celebrate each day.  She recently sent me a beautiful Footprints plaque.  It reminds me every morning that when I walk side by side with Jesus and at times see only one set of footprints, He has not left my side but is carrying me. What an incredible reality!

So, it's short but very sweet this morning as I thank Him for another day of precious life and sing, if only mentally, "This is the day that The Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it!"  (Psalm 118:24).

Love those psalms and love the writings of Sarah Young!

"Let us come before Him with thanksgiving and extol Him with music and song."-Psalm 95:2 (NIV).

On the health front:

It has been a busy morning.  It's blood draw day and Neupogen day and so far, absolutely nothing negative to report.  It's a great day!

My Pilot

Bill Crowder, writing for Our Daily Bread, uses the example of a flight simulator to kick my brain into gear this morning.  He talks about the many hours spent in flight simulators by pilots in training.  The pilots are put into situations in which life and death decisions must be made.  They work their way through those situations with varying results and even when their simulator planes crash to the ground, the pilots walk away unscathed.  Unfortunately, as Crowder points out, life isn't like that.  We have no "life simulators" in which we can take practice runs, experience the results of our life choices and then employ the choices that have yielded the most satisfactory results, walking away unscathed.

I think back to the beginning of our journey through cancer and wonder if it would have been beneficial to have had a "cancer simulator" where I could have experimented with different choices, then walked away unscathed, having experienced, albeit artificially, the effects of my poor choices along the way and knowing to avoid them later on.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it would not have been a good thing. As long as I was in the "cancer simulator" I would have had the controls in my hand.  Every move would have depended on my own decisions.  I would have been the pilot through the good choices and the poor choices and I can easily imagine the devastating results of the experience.

I am so grateful when I think back and remember that at no time did I need to hand the controls over to God.  He had the controls firmly in His hand long before our journey began.  And as a result I have not crashed and burned.

Have I walked away unscathed?  I truly hope not!  I never want to forget the pain and trials of this journey. It has been in the times of my greatest discomfort that I have experienced my greatest need for the Pilot and have experienced the ongoing, faithful meeting of those needs by His hand.

The bumper sticker of years past had it completely wrong when it stated, "God is my Co-pilot". Thank you, Lord, that you are my Pilot, no "Co" about it!

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace......."-John 16:33a (NET).

On the health front:

Neupogen today...ugh!

Confidence

The word of the day, or at least for this morning's post, is Confidence.  My dependable e-dictionary defines confidence as:  "Full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness or reliability of a person or thing." That definition will suffice for this morning's musings.

As I reach toward the finish line I'm aware of how many times on this journey it's been necessary to have confidence in people, procedures, machines, theories and medicines, among other things, not having the slightest inkling as to their reliability. I think I have some idea of how a blind person must feel as she sees nothing, yet stretches out her hand, fully trusting in that other person or thing.  

Handing the reins over to the medical community has been scary, but when most choices were removed from a situation we had to take a collective deep breath and trust, having confidence that the few choices that were ours were the correct ones.

How comforting beyond measure is the knowledge that I can have perfect confidence that I am loved by God and that nothing happens in my life that He is not aware of and in which He is not fully involved.  In my ever-shifting world this is the foundation that will never move.  I can have "full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness and reliability"  of a Person Who will never fail me.

Now that's true confidence.

"So know that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God.  He will keep His agreement of love for a thousand lifetimes for people who love Him and keep His commandments."-Deuteronomy 7:9 (NCV).

On the health front:

I had a couple of "Martha Stewart" hours yesterday morning as I experienced a temporary surge of energy that felt very foreign.....and very good!  I enjoyed, and used, every minute of it.

Could it be a preview of things to come???

The Power of Love

Recently my sister, Janet, responded to my blog post on the subject of kindness, drawing my attention to the importance of reminding ourselves of the power of love. 

In this world so full of problems, my first response to life and all it entails has not always been one of love. At the time of my diagnosis I remember feeling shock, unbelief, a feeling of being completely out of control.  I did the usual, "Why me?" before coming to the "Why not me?" stage of acceptance. Nowhere in this process could love be found.  But it was there.

Love first became apparent to me through the love of my family.  I did not have one moment when their love didn't surround me.  Then came the love of friends in waves.  Love came to me in the form of the many kindnesses of the nurses and doctors at the hospital.  And on and on it went.  I felt useless and incompetent, yet surrounded by love at the same time.

Gradually, as I began to adjust to my new reality, my searches into what God had to say about love became an important focus.  I began to understand how His placing me in a wholly dependent position could possibly reflect His love for me when the two just didn't naturally go together.  And here I am today, experiencing His love more completely than ever before.

I am reminded again and again of the reality that love is a decision, not merely a feeling. Countless times I have found it necessary to make the decision to love when it was not a natural inclination and I can't remember a single time when making that decision was the wrong one.

I learn in Scripture that faith can move mountains and I believe that love can move mountains as well. I have been brought from a helpless, weak person whose spirit has been challenged to a strong, confident and hopeful person because of the amazing power of love.....God's love and the love of many beautiful people.

Regardless of our foundational beliefs, we can all find a place for love in our lives. Love means putting self in a secondary position and it is a very valuable exercise from which we all can profit.

So, through this amazing journey through cancer I have learned that focusing on the disease and all the challenges it presents, then responding by constantly complaining about my state, is counter-productive. A far better use of my energy is to use it in the giving and receiving of love.

"Rehearse your troubles to God only."-Mrs. Charles Cowman (Streams in the Desert)

"And now these three remain:  Faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."-1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV).

On the health front:

With a good mental attitude things aren't going too badly.

Next week brings two of the Nasty Shots to jump start my body into remembering to do what it's supposed to do on its own.

Keep praying, please☺

First position

I'm shamelessly leaning on Sarah Young again today for my daily encouragement. She so often meets me at my need in her paraphrases of Jesus' words and her added insights of how I can be encouraged by them.  Today I'm reminded of my need to put Him first and that He will not let me down as I (we) chart my (our) path through this season my life.

As we have walked this journey I have found myself sinking to my lowest points when I focus on the little picture; the day to day discomforts and challenges of not being able to depend upon the things that never failed in the past.  And Wow, is that an easy thing to do!  As Sarah reminds me, if this happens only occasionally, it's a common human behavior, but if I have allowed it to become a pattern, I need a re-focusing of my priorities.  It's the big picture that is, and always has been, the important one.

Now that I'm approaching a pause in our journey through cancer, I have been giving much thought to this blog.  My one and only reason for starting it was to give God the glory for His faithfulness at a time when my need was at the greatest it has ever been.  When I have been given the green light to step off into good health and all that it entails, I will be ending the blog.  I will not be ending my dependence on Him, that's for certain, but I will be ending the blog.  At no time will I allow this to become self serving.  Its purpose was always to chronicle our journey through cancer, and should I need to pick up the suitcase again for a subsequent journey, the blog will be resurrected. But I'm still on the journey and will be for a while, so the blog continues and it's back to the subject at hand.

As often happens, my attempts to assimilate the words already put to paper by Mrs. Young and put them into my own pale paraphrase fail, so I choose to quote her at the risk of missing something really important.  Here are her words to me today:

"Putting Me first is not an arbitrary rule; it is the way to live vibrantly, joyfully- close to Me.  It is also the way to live purposefully, letting Me direct your steps.  When I am your top priority, other things fall into their proper place.  So delight yourself in Me, first and foremost.  As you walk in the Light of My presence, I open up the path before you, crowning your efforts with success."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

So, off I go on my journey for today!

"Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37:4 (NIV).

"In everything you do, put God first and He will crown your efforts with success."-Proverbs 3:6 (TLB).

On the health front:

Yesterday was Graduation Day, complete with a diploma from my oncology nurses and balloons from BFF, Pat, who sat with me during treatment.  I was privileged to ring the "Freedom Bell", a miniature version of the Liberty Bell, and I received a round of applause from all the nurses and patients who were receiving their treatments.  Pretty heady stuff!

I was kept grounded, however, by the reminder from my nurse that instant recovery is not a reality and that improvement will be gradual.  My numbers are still extremely low in several areas so I will be receiving two Neupogen shots next week, followed by continued blood draws until the old body takes over on its own.

But...who's complaining!!!  I have taken a giant step along this continuing journey through cancer😊