Aging gratefully

No, the above is not a typo.  It is a phrase that was used in my reading this morning and it's a very appropriate subject at this stage of my game.

Re-reading my previous posts I am struck with how often I refer to fatigue as being a prominent side-effect of this journey.  And with that constant state of fatigue comes the feeling that I am aging rapidly....more rapidly than I was in my life BC.  I expect it will take a while after my treatment ends to regain the energy I once enjoyed, but the aging process will continue along its merry way regardless. 

My wish has always been to age gracefully.  My mom did it, my dad outlived his ability to do it.  But aging gratefully has become even more important to me since the onset of our journey through cancer.

Psalm 71 is rich in references to the aging process and it speaks so strongly to my increasing need for God's presence in my life as I walk, and often stumble, along this path to eternity.  "My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection.  That is why I can never stop praising You.  I declare Your glory all day long.  And now, in my old age, don't abandon me when my strength is failing."-Psalm 71:7-9 (NLT).  This is my wish, tempered greatly by the firm knowledge that He will never abandon me.  

The psalmist goes on to say, "Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God.  Let me proclaim Your power to this new generation, Your mighty miracles to all who come after me."-Psalm 71:18 (NLT).  What an important prayer!  It is my greatest desire in this life to pass my love for my Lord on to those who follow me.  "If you're not yet elderly, you will be one day- or else dead!  Pray for a good death and a good dying."-Ben Patterson (God's Prayer Book).  Passing on God's love for me in all situations is a very important part of "a good dying" for me.

"All my life, I've been taught how to die, but no one ever taught me how to grow old."- Billy Graham.

"It's sundown, Lord.  The shadows of my life stretch back into the dimness of the years long spent.  I fear not death, for that grim foe betrays itself at last, thrusting me forever into life; life with You, unsoiled and free.  But I do fear the dark specter may come too soon- or do I mean too late?  That I should end before I finish or finish, but not well.  That I should stain Your honor, shame Your name, grieve Your loving heart.  Few, they tell me, finish well....Lord, let me get home before dark."-Robertson McQuilken.

Beautiful!

On the health front:

I enjoyed a chemo-free Thursday yesterday.  Aside from needing multiple visits to my comfy couch, there's nothing of importance to report, and for that I am very grateful!

PS...

I'm a tad slow today and have opted to re-read some of my past posts....a project that doesn't require much energy.  I am my own worst critic and when I spot an error that I missed it drives me crazy. So, I am reading my entry from 2/22 and realize that I totally messed up its title.  It should read, "Insignificant, yet so very significant".

Don't ever hire me as an editor.

Permission granted

Having a need requires meeting that need.  Sometimes meeting the need requires physical effort and sometimes what's required is mental effort.  

Today is another day of waking up after a reasonably good night's sleep feeling drained.  Streams in the Desert reminds me for the hundredth time at least, that this state can be used in a positive way.  I can be bummed and discouraged or I can realize that I have once again been given the opportunity to see my depleted body as a "divinely provided vessel for the Holy Spirit to fill......[and it] would become  an opportunity for receiving new blessings....which you can get in no other way."-A. B. Simpson.   Why is it that "self" inherently looks for relief in a self- focused way when often the antidote for discouragement is just the opposite?  Will I ever learn?

Today I have been given permission to set aside the physical and to concentrate on the spiritual.

I believe I'll do just that.

"My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."-(Philippians 4:19).

On the health front:

General fatigue and slight headache today.  Looks like another day of not accomplishing much physically.  Mentally I'll focus on the knowledge that we're approaching the home stretch, even if it is at a snail's pace.

And Carla, if you are reading this today, thank you for the beautiful card that traveled five thousand miles to bring encouragement.  Many, many thanks.

Remembering Dad

Yesterday marked the eighth anniversary of my father's death.  He reached the age of ninety four before he released his grip on life and even then he didn't do it willingly.

Dad was the eldest of four children.  He was born to hard working parents who farmed in harsh conditions in Western Canada.  When the flu epidemic of 1919 hit, it took away his father, Hardy, leaving Dad to be "the man of the family" at age nine.  His mother never remarried so I can only imagine that his strong sense of responsibility weighed heavily on him throughout his growing up years.

My grandmother worked hard raising her active family and instilled the value of education in her children.  Dad graduated from university with honors, went on to marry our mom and raise four children of his own.  I don't think I fully appreciated him while we were growing up but I now realize that raising a family of his own without having a male role model of how it should be done was a pretty gargantuan task.  He was not a warm and fuzzy dad who smothered his children with hugs and kisses but he showed his love by providing for us and seeing that our needs were always met.  

Dad spent the last few years of his life with us.  It was good for me to see him grow in his ability to show his love both verbally and physically.  He hugged easily at the end.  

There will be no Biblical parallels in this post.  I just wanted to remember Dad.

On the health front:

My labs showed that I am low in several areas at present.  However, since this is my week off from treatment my oncologist's Physician's Assistant said that she would like to allow my body to try to fight its way back on its own.  That means no transfusions, infusions or injections for this week, at least, and that's cause for celebration!  I'm still basically under house arrest but I'm getting used to it.

Keep praying, please.....and many, many thanks.

Hearing voices

Andree Seu Peterson writes a column regularly in World magazine.  Her column appears very close to the last page of the magazine and she always leaves me challenged and wanting more.  In the February 23rd issue she wrote a column entitled The Existential Life in which she recalls being enamored as a young woman by the idea that "existence precedes essence", an idea put forward by a guy named Camus.  (Never heard of him, to be honest.)  

Camus' idea was that a person has no identity but the one he (or she) creates at the moment, and no rules but the rule of this moment's impulse.  The bottom line was that the only authentic living is the moment-by-moment kind.  Mrs. Peterson runs with this idea and draws some conclusions of her own.

Moment-by-moment living requires listening to the voices around us and the voices we listen to have a big part in determining who we are and who we are becoming.  She, the author, remembers a particular trip to the market years ago during which the entire time of her drive was spent "nursing old grievances, coveting her neighbor's gifts, hatching manipulative comebacks and suffering her soul to be gnawed by some human's opinion of her."  The fruit of that moment-by-moment living wasn't particularly attractive. She has since embraced Christianity and has revisited Camus' idea through the grid of her beliefs.  

She observes how Jesus did, indeed, live moment-by-moment, being completely in tune with His Father in heaven and allowing Himself to be ruled accordingly.  He constantly listened to His Father's voice and His life exemplified truly authentic living.

Mrs. Peterson wisely points out that our biggest battle is in our thought life.  "In a sense there is no other life than the thought life.  The renewal of the mind effects transformation-not abstractly, but in the conscious dimension.  It involves our cooperation and is not a passive work of God apart from that cooperation."-Andree Seu Peterson.

I can't be Jesus but I can listen to His voice and hopefully come closer and closer to being a reflection of Him here on earth during my lifetime as I live moment-by-moment.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will"-Romans 12:2 (NIV).

"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."-Proverbs 3:6 (NIV).

On the health front:

Today will bring a blood test to see what awaits me in the realm of what needs to be adjusted.

Until then I am adopting an "Ignorance is bliss" mentality.

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious about many things..."

Familiar with the story in the Bible of the time when Jesus came to the home of Mary and Martha to visit and teach?  (Luke 10:38-42.)  I think.....no, I know.....it was written just for me.

I am feeling stressed this morning and I know I bring it on myself.  This week brings house guests from Germany.  They come every few years for a couple of weeks of sight-seeing and outlet shopping and they always spend a few days with us.  This year they have brought two friends with them.  They are kind, sensitive and absolutely delightful people and we enjoy them immensely.  They know that this has been a challenging year for us and have offered on several occasions get a motel but I have encouraged them to stay with us.  And I'm feeling stressed this morning!

Why don't I learn?  Why can't I set aside my "perfect hostess" obsession after all these years?  I miss out on so much of what's really important.  I could serve cold cereal and these friends would be happy.  And the minute I say "Would you mind giving me a hand here?" I will have two smiling German ladies happily working in my kitchen.  I am my own worst enemy.

"The Master said, 'Martha, dear Martha, you are fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing.  One thing only is essential and Mary has chosen it- it's the main course and won't be taken away from her.'"-Luke 10:41, 42 (The Message).

I don't want to miss the main course.  Maybe this will be the year I finally "get it"!

"Do not be anxious about anything...."-Philippians 4:6a (ESV).

On the health front:

The temporary high of my potassium infusion seems to have dissipated and judging from my lack of energy I suspect that my white blood cells may have taken another hit.  Oh well... more couch time, but if that's all I have to complain about, no worries!

Musings of Jonathan Edwards

I'm often drawn to the writings of the old theologians, partly because I enjoy reading their applications of Scripture to the times in which they lived and partly because I love their use of the English language as, in my humble opinion, it should still be used.

Jonathan Edwards lived from October 5, 1703 until March 22,1758.  He was considered one of America's greatest intellectuals and was acknowledged to be "America's most important and original philosophical theologian", according to all- powerful Wikipedia.  

In his writings on Psalm 16, Ben Patterson observes that "Jonathan Edwards thought of God the way David thought of God in this psalm.  It was for the 'sweet delight in God' that he gave himself to God."-Ben Patterson (God's Prayer Book:  The Power and Pleasure of Praying the Psalms-a gift from my good friend, George.)

Edwards wasn't afraid to expose his sensitive core when he wrote, "The first instance I remember of that sort of inward, sweet delight in God and in divine things, that I have lived much in since, was in reading these words, 'Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.  Amen.'-1 Timothy 1:17.  As I read those words, there came into my soul, and was, as it were, diffused through it, a sense of the glory of the Divine Being; a new sense, quite different than anything I ever experienced before.  Never any words of Scripture seemed to me as these did.  I thought with myself, how excellent a Being that was, and how happy I should be, if I might enjoy that God, and be rapt up to Him in Heaven, and be, as it were, swallowed up in Him forever."-Jonathan Edwards.

I have experienced that "sweet delight in God" many times over while on this journey through cancer and whether or not I am fully healed in this lifetime, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the same sweet delight in God will always be within my reach.

How reassuring.

"Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to You for refuge.

I said to The Lord, 'You are my Master.  Every good thing I have comes from You'."-Psalm 16:1,2 (NLT)-A psalm of David.

On the health front:

Nothing of note to note....so that's a praise.

Small bites today

Yesterday I managed to create some order of the various books I have at the ready each morning for my daily inspiration.  Now, instead of random, ragged piles I have a neat line of books on a nearby bookshelf, arranged by height, believe it or not.  (OK...so I am  slightly OCD.)  I can now clearly see what's there and this morning I'm being tempted by a few small volumes that contain tidbits of the wisdom of various authors.  So, here goes:

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting."-Elizabeth Bibesco (Quiet Thoughts to Cherish, a gift from my friend, Reddie, who is the essence of this truth.)

"A cheerful heart is good medicine."-Proverbs 17:22 (NIV).  This proverb is contained in a little book called God's Words of Life for Women of Faith, a gift from BFF Pat.  The short entry reminds me again that happiness is a choice and that the powerful medicine of joy is needed more than ever during times of trial and challenge.

The book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, believed to be written by the prophet, Jeremiah, contains encouragement on the subject of hope.  

"I will remember my affliction and my wandering......and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness."-Lamentations 3:19-23 (NIV).  Max Lucado uses these verses as a springboard for his observations on the subject of hope in God's Promises for You, a gift from daughter, Jody.  He talks about the difficulty of seeing things grow old and desiring to make them new again.  "I wish I could make it all new again, but I can't.  I can't.  But God can.  'He restores my soul', wrote the shepherd.  He doesn't reform; He restores.  He doesn't camouflage the old, He restores the new.  The Master Builder will pull out the original plan and restore it. He will restore the vigor.  He will restore the energy.  He will restore the hope.  He will restore the soul."-Max Lucado.

I'll drink (coffee, of course) to that!

On the health front:

I would gladly be hooked up to my chemo pole daily for two hours of Potassium if it meant that I could always feel as good as I did yesterday. Let's hope my oncologist doesn't read this blog as I confess to even sneaking out of the house for a delightful lunch with a good friend.

I'm not sure what today will bring but who cares?  Yesterday was great!

Wait

As I get closer to the end of the treatment phase of our cancer journey I catch myself deviating from my resolve to take one day at a time.  I'm mentally jumping ahead to the completion date and to hopefully getting back to at least a degree of what we enjoyed BC ( before cancer).  Streams in the Desert reminds me to rein in these impulses and to settle back into the comfort of God's timing, not mine.

If there is one thing I have learned through this journey it is that most of my major disappointments have resulted from the expectations of life to occur on my timetable.  Sometimes these expectations were based on something for which I had been praying and sometimes they just involved the mundane things of life in general.  I have been forced, thankfully, to wait, wait, wait. My agenda hasn't often come to fruition, and today I can thank my God for that.

Sarah of the Old Testament laughed when she was told that she would bear a son in her old age, yet that's exactly what happened.  Sarah's timing?  Not!  God's timing?  Perfect!

Lord, please don't allow me ever to laugh or doubt when You set Your perfect plan in motion for me.

"It is not for us who are passengers to meddle with the chart and with the compass.  Let that all-skilled Pilot alone with His work."-Hall (Streams in the Desert).

"Sarah bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him."-Genesis 21:2 (Translation Unknown).

On the health front:

We survived the marathon visit to the chemo room yesterday.  Some folks were already in treatment when I arrived and they were still hooked up when we left, so no complaints here.  The addition of Potassium yielded no surprises, thankfully.

I'm putting on weight a bit faster than I would choose, surprisingly, since I have been careful about intake.  A visit with the oncology nurse reminded me that part of my infusion chemo includes a steroid that boosts the effectiveness of Gemzar but can add unwanted weight.  Hopefully it will all balance out in the end.....and not my "end", preferably, which is where the weight usually goes!

All is well.

Another parallel

All hooked up to my current best friend, my chemo pole, and ready to see what's in store for me from Wayne Jacobsen, the author of In My Father's Vineyard.  This great book, a gift from BFF Pat, speaks regularly to me and today is no exception.

The vineyard has endured the winter and is anticipating Spring, although cautiously.  It waits until the danger of frost has safely passed before it bursts into new life. Then one day that new life appears. The watering of the Spring rains and the warmth of the sun have produced a beautiful green canopy and underneath the canopy the white blossoms are becoming visible.  Spring has officially arrived in the vineyard.

When I think of Spring, words such as beauty, freshness, newness, excitement and hope come to mind.  I am seeing a glimmer of the completion of my treatment and I feel as if my Winter is coming to an end.  I'm sensing Spring. I'm sensing the freshness of new life.  My "new" body has been treated with the weed killer of chemotherapy and is now ready to bloom once again.  

With this excitement comes renewed confidence, a feeling of invincibility, and that can be a dangerous thing.  I have become accustomed to having intensely clear communications with God and wonderful "quiet times".  But, as Mr. Jacobsen reminds me, "A late frost, a freak hailstorm, or an assault of weeds or insects can spell a quick end to a promised harvest."  I learn from this statement that very high peaks can lead to very low valleys in the face of discouragement, and joy can be easily destroyed.

My prayer for this Spring of my journey is that I will hold on tightly to the hand of my Great Physician and together we will weather all the seasons that are ahead of me.

I hope these reflections are clear.  It's been a busy morning in the chemo room and there is constant activity.  It can be distracting, but it is a happy and healing place.  Kind of like Spring.

On the health front:

Slight change in the order of things this morning.  The oncology nurse returned my call yesterday afternoon and told me that my numbers were acceptable for treatment on Thursday (today) but that my potassium level was unacceptably low. Potassium can be added to my infusion chemo but I will be enjoying three hours with my chemo buddies today rather than the usual one.  My plan is to use a part of that time for today's post so if all goes well, I'll "see" you then.

Reminders

I'm feeling slightly impatient today.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just looking forward to getting these treatments behind me. I must need the reminder that I am not the one calling the shots here because several of my readings this morning point to that truth. This doesn't happen often so I guess I need to pay attention.

"When things don't go as you would like, accept the situation immediately.  If you indulge in feelings of regret, they can easily spill over into resentment.  Remember that I am sovereign over your circumstances, and humble yourself under My hand."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling). (Hello!)

"God is not concerned about our plans; He does not say, 'Do you want to go through this bereavement, this upset?'  He allows these things for His own purpose.  The things we are going through either make us sweeter, better, nobler men and women or they are making us more captious or fault- finding, more insistent on our own way."-Oswald Chambers ( My Utmost for His Highest- Classic Edition).  (Busted!)

"He worketh."-Psalm 37:5.  "[This psalm] calls our attention to the immediate action of God when we truly commit....the burden of whatever kind it may be; a way of sorrow, or difficulty, of physical need....."-Havergal (Streams in the Desert- Classic Edition). (Hmmm...)

"The Lord will go through with His covenant engagements.  Whatever He takes in hand He will accomplish; hence past mercies are guarantees for future and admirable reasons for continuing to cry unto Him."-Charles Spurgeon (Streams in the Desert- Classic Edition). (Thanks...I needed that!)

"Humble yourselves therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time."-1 Peter 5:6 (NET).

"Commit your way to The Lord.  Trust in Him and He will act."-Psalm 37:5 (ESV).

OK, OK... I get it!  I'm acting like a spoiled brat.

On the health front:

I didn't hear from the oncologist's office yesterday.  That could be a good thing if it means that my numbers are good and no shots are necessary. It could be a bad thing if they were too busy to return my call and a shot was necessary yesterday in order to keep my Thursday chemo treatment on schedule.  Hopefully I'll get a call this morning.

Confession:  I'm really getting tired about having to think about this stuff.  (Note to self:  Read above post again.)

Psalm 100

The Psalms are meeting my needs this morning.  With a body that is trying to heal but finds itself continually beaten down by very thing that is designed to heal it, my world has, of necessity, become small. This tiny, temporary ( hopefully) world of mine is my reality at the moment, but it will not be so always, God willing.

Psalm 100 takes me out of this limited world and figuratively places me on a mountaintop where I am invited to:

"Shout to The Lord......Worship The Lord with gladness.....Come before Him singing...."

I am reminded that He made me.  I had absolutely nothing to do with it.  He knows me fully.  I am His, a sheep grazing safely in His pasture regardless of my present situation.  Who could ask for a better Shepherd?

Again, regardless of the state of this body of mine, I am invited to "enter His gates with thanksgiving, go into His courts with praise".  Some days praise comes more naturally than others, I will admit, but I'm not considering this psalm a suggestion. I am considering it a call for a conscious decision on my part to continually praise Him and to continually remember that I'm not the one in charge here. Praising Him does not apply only when life is all good.

"For The Lord is good, His unfailing love continues forever, and His faithfulness continues to each generation."

Now that's encouragement!

"Compassionate Lord,

Thy mercies have brought me to the dawn of another day.

Vain will be its gift unless I grow in grace,

Increase in knowledge,

Ripen for spiritual harvest.

Let me this day know Thee as Thou art,

Love Thee supremely,

Serve Thee wholly,

Admire Thee fully...."-The Valley of Vision:  A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.

On the health front:

Labs at 9, check with doctor's office at 1 to see if the Nasty Shot is in my future for the next couple of days, then more couch time with a good book or a futile search for good daytime television offerings, with a few naps sprinkled in along the way.

Assurance

Some time ago our daughter gave me a small book of God's promises.  It seems like a good morning  to focus on a few of them.

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need. His generosity exceeds even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."-Philippians 4:19 ( The Message).

"He has made a history out of using people in spite of people."- Max Lucado.

It's a good thing His faithfulness doesn't depend upon mine.  I waver....He does not.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a Mighty One Who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you with His love; He will exult over you with loud singing."-Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV).  " Please understand.  His goal is not to make you happy.  His goal is to make you His.  His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need."-Max Lucado.

Gotta' confess.....a little "happy" along the way is nice.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love.  We love because He first loved us."-1 John 4:18, 19 (NET).

"Some people love you because of you.  Not God.  He loves you because He is He.  He loves you because He decides to.  Self-generated, uncaused and spontaneous, His constant-level love depends on His choice to give it."- Max Lucado.

And that's a good thing!  I sure don't live up to "lovable" at all times and in all places.

And finally...."Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way."-James 1:2-4 (The Message).

"Remember; a finisher is not the one with no wounds or weariness.  Quite the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody."-Max Lucado.

And just when will I become "mature and well-developed"???

Thanks, Lord... I needed these!  This journey is getting long.

On the health front:

Neupogen this morning, then probably the first of several naps.  My goodness....how my world has shrunk!

"Out of the Wreck I Rise"

Looks like it's Bedside Bible Church again this morning, but thanks to modern technology I will still benefit from good teaching.  Until the church service begins I'll focus on another tribulation musing from Oswald Chambers.

God never said He would exempt me from trouble, only that He would be with me through it and I am here to tell you, He speaks the truth!  There have been times I could more easily have crumbled than continued, but His faithfulness never wavered.  I wavered... He never did.

The New Testament book of Romans shows me that my challenges pale when compared to those of the apostle Paul, who gave up all earthly comforts and forged ahead on his mission to speak of his Christ.  He endured unimaginable challenges and God used him in a mighty way throughout them all.  Many people, myself especially, could easily have caved under Paul's pressures but Paul believed in God's faithfulness and he persevered.  Does it always make sense?  To be honest, no, it doesn't.  But that's where my human logic leaves off and my faith takes over.

"Either Jesus is a deceiver, having deceived even Paul, or else some extraordinary thing happens to someone who holds on to the love of God when the odds are totally against him.  Logic is silenced in the face of each of these things which come against him.  Only one thing can account for it- the love of God in Christ Jesus."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest- Updated Edition).

Again, great timing for this encouragement.  

Thanks, Oswald.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us [me] from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ."-Romans 8:38, 39 (NIV).

"He [she] will call on Me and I will answer him [her];

I will be with him [her] ] in trouble.

I will deliver him [her] and honor him [her].'-Psalm 91:15 (NIV).

On the health front:

I'm still under house arrest.  Friday's Neupogen hopefully stimulated the production of some white blood cells and tomorrow's dose should take over where Friday's left off.

Another week of surprises ahead, but then, aren't they all?😊

Ruminations

The peaks and valleys of my journey have been eye openers.  I am constantly reminded of how I have taken life and health for granted.  And while I like to think that I am conscious of the working of God through every minute of my life, I have allowed myself to relegate Him to a distant place when I am enjoying a good day.  Then come the not-so-good days and I'm holding on tightly again. 

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, but sometimes I wonder if I'm praying for the right thing.  Do I pray for complete healing, knowing that once I regain my energy I will probably engage in life to the point where I will feel a sense of self control once again?  Or do I pray for continued reminders, more challenges, in order to be constantly aware of my minute by minute need for Him?

I'm reminded in a couple of my readings this morning that it's the pressures, the trials, that bring out the stuff in me that is of value.  The trials sensitize me to my need for Someone higher than myself to take the reins from my hands.  And my trials make me more sensitive to the trials of those around me.  As I realize again the truth of the need for trials in my life in order to push me in a forward direction, I have permission to encourage others with more than platitudes.  And that's a good thing.  

But, honestly, I want to be healed.  I want to wake up each morning with fresh energy and a desire to engage in my surroundings once again.  I want to look forward to stresses with the confidence that I can work through them rather than allowing them to overwhelm me.  Selfish?  I'm not sure.

I probably won't discover the answer today, or maybe I never will, but my prayer is that I will always be given enough reminders that it is not I who hold the key to me, but the One Who created me.

"I was crushed....so much that I despaired even of life, but that was to make me rely not on myself, but on the God Who raises the dead."-The apostle, Paul, speaking to the Corinthians in 2 Corinthians 1:8,9.

On the health front:

Neupogen continues to remind me that my body needs to step up to the task of producing more white blood cells.  The discouraging part of Neutropenia is the exhaustion that accompanies it.  Getting out of bed and into the shower are tasks that came so easily in the past.  Now....not so much.

Anyway, enough whining.  It's going to be a good day!

Life is fragile...

"Life is fragile....handle with prayer."  This is my daily reminder thanks to the gift of the Mothers' Day coffee mug I received from our son and daughter-in-law.  Not only does the mug hold a giant dose of caffeine, it gives me my giant dose of the reminder that this ride on earth will not last forever and I need all the help I can get from the Giver of Life as I hold on.  Thanks, Chris and Alyssa!.

Streams in The Desert tells a little story this morning of an ancient knight whose horse lost a shoe while fleeing an enemy who was not far behind.  The knight was faced with the dilemma of whether to keep running or to stop to have his horse re-shod.  The decision was made to stop at the blacksmith's shop to have the shoe replaced.  Not only did this pause enable the horse to carry its rider more efficiently, it gave the rider time to stop and reassess his challenges.  The knight mounted his horse, ran again and outpaced his enemy, thanks to his decision to wait.

This short story brings home again to me that at times in my life God has asked me to forge ahead and at times such as now He has asked me to pause, reflect and learn from Him.

"So often God bids us tarry ere we go, and fully recover ourselves for the next stage of the journey and work."-Days of Heaven upon Earth ( Streams in the Desert).

"Life is fragile...."

"O God,

This is my heaven on earth,

But I need the force, energy, impulses of Thy Spirit 

To carry me on the way to my Jerusalem.

Here, it is my duty

To be as Christ in this world, to do what He would do,

To live as He would live,

To walk in love and meekness,

Then would He be known,

Then I would have peace in death."-The Valley of Vision:  A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.

On the health front:

Just squeaked by for treatment yesterday.  I have rejoined the Neutropenic crowd. (Too bad we can't meet each other but we have to stay away from other people.)

Bottom line...Neupogen injections for sure today and Monday, then my blood test on Tuesday morning to ascertain whether or not more will be needed in order to keep me on track for chemo.

Please pray specifically for those white cells to regenerate.

Regrets

I was reminded very recently that I have allowed my circumstances to blur my mind and to minimize my concentration on some really important relationships in my life.  I've missed a couple of important opportunities to let family members and dear friends know how important they are to me and I have neglected to give them the appreciation due them.  I have allowed myself to fall into the "I'll do better when I feel better" mindset, and that's just not acceptable.

For those readers of this blog who have walked the cancer walk, you know that "chemo fog" is real.  Memory is impaired and senses are dulled.  But for me the worst part is the almost nonchalant attitude it has produced in me and I fear that this attitude has translated into the impression of disinterest.  I do not recognize this in myself since I would like to think that it is not the self that God's working within me has produced.  So for those I have offended by my perceived disinterest, I ask your forgiveness.  You are more important in my life than you can know.

"If the majesty, grace and power of God are not being exhibited in us, God holds us responsible."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost For His Highest- Updated Edition).

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."-John 13:34,35 (ESV).

On the health front:

"You are not Neutropenic." Good news to hear yesterday since it means I've dodged the Neupogen bullet for another week.  White blood cells are once again definitely heading south but at least my treatment will take place today.

Enjoy the disagreeable???

If I didn't look so awful in the mornings when I first wake up I'd have Carson take a picture of me surrounded by the array of materials standing ready to give me my nugget of inspiration for the day.  Some mornings God wakes me up with a clear subject in mind and other times it takes someone else's inspiration to inspire me.  On my way to today's gem from old friend Oswald Chambers the heading from a previous day caught my eye:  The Habit of Enjoying The Disagreeable.  (Can you tell that I just discovered the bold print option?)  Since I'm feeling slightly disagreeable this morning, something (Someone?) told me to read it.

In previous musings Oswald talks about habits in general.  He says that we (I) should make a habit of having no habits.  He points out that establishing and exercising  a habit requires conscious effort on my part, an awareness of my need to keep at something that is not a natural reaction.  In the realm of positive habits he encourages me to practice a habit only long enough that it becomes a natural response, an unconscious reaction, therefore no longer a conscious habit.  Wow!  That makes sense in print but it's easier said than done.

Am I manifesting, or modeling, Jesus' life by complaining that I don't feel up to par?  Am I setting the desired example by grumbling about my circumstances?  Of course not.  And is acceptance of this temporary discomfort with a smiley face and a good attitude a natural reaction?  I don't know about anyone else, but for me it isn't and the establishment of a new habit is definitely in order....a habit that will cease to be a conscious habit in short order, hopefully.

"No matter how disagreeable a thing may be, say 'Lord, I am delighted to obey Thee in this matter' and instantly the Son of God will press to the front and there will be manifested in my human life that which glorifies Jesus."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest- Classic Edition).

Mom always said, "Practice makes perfect."  As usual, she was right.

"That the life also of Jesus may be made manifest in our mortal flesh."-2 Corinthians 4:11.

On the health front:

I haven't moved around much yet so nothing hurts so far.  No call from the doctor's office yesterday, which could mean one of two things; either my WBC count was satisfactory and there is  no need for the Nasty Shot or they had a busy day yesterday and didn't review the report.  While ignorance is bliss in many cases, this is probably not one of those times.  If I don't hear something by 9 this morning I'm going to call them.  Hopefully chemo will take place tomorrow as scheduled.

Silly musings

"As we age we begin to forget stuff;

Our joints stiffen, our heads get a little soft.

Getting old is part of getting past

The illusion we have about ourselves.

It is part of getting free."-Rich Mullins.

Rich Mullins died shortly before his 42nd birthday so from my elderly perspective his journey into old age had barely begun.  His musings reflect, however, that he was beginning to "get it".

Funny how old age creeps up so silently. One day it's a piece of cake to remember with clarity a conversation containing an important piece of information that might be needed in the near future and the next day not only is that information gone but the entire conversation will have to be repeated.  One day going from a sitting to a standing position from an armless chair is effortless and the next day I find myself selecting my chair very carefully according to the assistance it will provide to get me upright once again.

My dad lived with us for three and a half years before he died at age 94.  Much of the time spent in conversation with him consisted of stories we had already heard a gazillion times and I sheepishly admit to nearly going berserk at times.  Now I silently ask his forgiveness for my lack of patience because I'm probably doing the same thing.  I will ask my family and friends to forgive me in advance and to love me in spite of myself as I am launched even further into old age.

I think what prompted these musings today was the realization that since the beginning of this blog I have more than likely visited the same subjects more than once and I have probably said the same things before.  But that's a blessing of old age.  As the brain cells check out, all things become new again😀

So what does any of this have to do with my cancer journey?  Absolutely nothing, other than the fact that since I was forcefully hit with the reminder and the reality that I'm not immortal, some very interesting reflections on life have resulted.....and it's actually been pretty freeing, as Rich Mullins wisely points out.

"And so, let me grow.  Let me grow old.  Let me grow free.  Even if I have to repeat myself to do it."-Rich Mullins.

On the health front:

My weekly blood draws will now consist of readings that can be reported on a STAT basis.  The benefit of knowing the state of my white blood cell count within hours is that I will know almost immediately whether or not Neupogen shots will be necessary to keep me on my prescribed chemotherapy schedule and I'm not about to sabotage that schedule if I can help it!  I'm ready to be finished with this.

"Crisis brings clarity ...."

While reading a magazine article recently a phrase jumped off the page:  "Crisis brings clarity, and clarity speaks truth."-Janie B. Cheaney (World Magazine May 4, 2013). My personal application has nothing to do with the subject of Ms. Cheaney's article but the phrase applies to my journey nonetheless.

Since my diagnosis (my crisis), one of the first things I noticed was that my understanding of the Bible verses I had been reading for years took on a new depth, a new clarity. Almost everything I read there, whether selected randomly or purposely, had an application to my situation in one way or another. I heard God's voice more clearly than ever before.  And where there could have been much confusion upon hearing the words, "Yes, it's cancer", there was none.  The path to follow after those words were spoken became clear, through family, friends and professionals. The way had been prepared for me even before I knew there was a need.  I could go on but at the  risk of rambling, I'll stop here on the "clarity" point of Ms. Cheaney's quote and get on to the "truth" part.

"....and clarity speaks truth."  The extraneous "stuff" of life fell away and the really important things of life, or life's truths, were and continue to be revealed.  "Things" aren't as important as they once were.  (BFF Pat and her husband, John, gave us a precious photo taken when we were all together recently.  On the picture frame are the words, "The best things in life aren't things".  How true.) Relationships have become even more of a priority.  The clarity of our crisis revealed the truth of the worth of my relationships.  And above all, my newfound clarity continues to speak the truth of my need for my God and my dependence upon Jesus Christ.

I am stumbling along this path with varying degrees of success but thankfully, with increasing clarity, as I make my way over this mountain even more truths will be spoken.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."-Philippians 4:8 (KJB-Authorized Version).

On the health front:

Back to fatigue and abdominal discomfort, but no complaints that a good nap won't fix😊

Happy Mothers' Day

"Learn to relate to others through My love, not yours.  Your human love is ever so limited, full of flaws and manipulations."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).  How true that is!

Of course I'm thinking of mothers today and how incredibly blessed and privileged I am to be one.  With tons of heavenly help I've had some successes along the way and I have also flopped on more occasions than I care to remember.....a testimony to Sarah Young's words this morning.  I have had to admit to my children that I was wrong over and over again while stumbling along the path of motherhood and I am so grateful that my glaring errors have not completely charted the path of our kids and that they have grown into amazing adults in spite of me.

I believe women are often placed in the role of motherhood whether or not they have given birth.  I'm thinking of the many "mothers"  I have had over the years, some of whom don't have children of their own and some who are younger than I, who have taken time to mother me with a well placed word and a well placed hug.  I thank each and every one of those "moms".

This morning I am realizing again that motherhood is as much a mindset as it is a physical thing. Even with my kids launched I want to always be ready to be a mom in whatever role I'm placed.  If I can give even back even a fraction of what I have received, I will be grateful.

And I sure do miss my mom.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed......"-Proverbs 31:28a (ESV).

On the health front:

A good night's sleep has put things right again.  I have no complaints on this beautiful Mothers' Day.

Choosing, again...,,

Today I'm feeling the effects of Gemzar so I'm choosing to:

".....bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth."- Psalm 34:1.

Whatever comes my way is in His plan for me, now and always.

Taking the initiative

Today I have some help from Oswald Chambers, an early 20th century Scottish evangelist and teacher who wrote the widely recognized devotional My Utmost for His Highest.  His subject for this morning's entry is titled Taking  the Initiative, but before I unpack his encouragement to me I will digress for a moment.

I have no idea how many readers follow these posts but I am well aware that there are more than a few who do not share my Christian faith.  When God moved me to start this blog He made it perfectly, without a doubt clear that the blog would be not about me but about Him.  It is only for this reason that I write each day.  But here's my concern.  There are plenty of "soap box evangelists" out there who are ready to hit their listeners over the heads with their Bibles and to cram their  beliefs, whether Scripturally accurate or not, down the throats of those who opt to listen.  My constant prayer has been that I never, never come across like these misguided souls in my blogs.  My one and only motivation for this diary, of sorts, is to give my  God the praise for His continual voice throughout this personal  journey of ours.  If there is encouragement in any small way for the reader, all glory goes to Him.  And for those who are not on the same page as I regarding your personal life foundation, my equally fervent (to use an old word) prayer is that you are encouraged equally by some word contained here in your trek through this thing we call life.  There is absolutely no "beating you over the head with my Bible" intended in my words.  So, that being said, here we go!

Oswald reminds me to consider two things this morning.  He reminds me that I can only take the initiative in a limited way. "We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can do."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest-Updated Edition).  And then he reminds me that I must do what I can do, which in my case will be to take to heart the wonderful reality of what God has already done, and will continue to do in me as I hang on to Him for dear life!  

So, no sitting back and feeling sorry for myself for this girl!  I will heed Oswald's words today; "We [I] have to get in the habit of hearkening  to God about everything, to find out what God says.  If, when a crisis comes, we [I] instinctively turn to God, we [I] know that the habit has been formed.  We [I] have to take the initiative where we are [I am], not where we are [I am] not."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest-Classic Edition).

"For it is God Who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."-Philippians 2:13. (NIV).

On the health front:

Great news:  Due to a few of the Nasty Shots and my week off from chemo, my white cells responded beautifully. My infusion chemo happened.

Disclaimer from Dr. Polowy:  Don't get too ecstatic.  We might see a return of the shots and the tanked white blood cells again as the cumulative effects of chemotherapy reappear.

But today will be a good day, since I'm taking the initiative in claiming God's promise that His plan for me is the best one😊

Back to the vineyard

I discovered more food for thought as I read further in Wayne Jacobsen's In My Father's Vineyard this morning.  Together we re-visited the subject of seasons.  (I come back often to the truth of the book of Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun but I discover daily that there are always new ways to look at the stuff that's not really new.)

While thoroughly enjoying a good glass of the fruit of the vine, I'm pretty clueless as to the process that led up to its existence.  Mr. Jacobsen is in the season of Spring in Chapter 8 and describes so well the state of the vineyard.  It has been pruned throughout the winter, each plant is tied securely to its wire, the plants are trimmed and uniform and the first shoots and tiny leaves are peeking out.  Everything is neat and clean, awaiting fruitfulness. 

As he does so well, Mr. Jacobsen took me to my Bible and directed me to where Jesus talked to His disciples as He prepared them for their tasks ahead.  Jesus spoke to them of His Father's vineyard and how unproductive branches are cut off to allow the productive ones more opportunity and nourishment to grow.  He reassured the disciples  that they had already been trimmed and made fit for the season ahead.  Then Mr. Jacobsen wrote something that resonated in me.  He pointed out that Jesus was not asking fruitfulness from His disciples at that moment:

"Jesus wasn't asking fruitfulness of them that day.  This was springtime, not harvest.  They were simply ready for the process of fruitfulness to begin."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).

Maybe that's me.  I haven't felt particularly fruitful since October of 2012.  But perhaps the time since then has been my season of pruning, of preparation for fruitfulness.  This may not be my season of fruitfulness but I am aware every minute of every day of the care and nourishment I am receiving from the Master Gardener in my personal vineyard and when it's time to be fruitful again, watch out, world!  I will be ready.

How nice that this observation from Wayne Jacobsen comes at the beginning of the

Spring season.  I can almost see my new leaves sprouting😊

"See!  The winter is past; 

the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

The season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;

the blossoming vines spread their fragrance."

Song of Songs 2:10-13.

On the health front:

Today we meet with Dr. Polowy before my treatment.  We will pick his brain further about what to expect during this final phase.

Aside from a  lack of stamina, I'm feeling fine.

Thanks, Lord, for many, many blessings.

A fearful and wonderful promise

God promises that in our lives there will be troubles. And I'm supposed to be excited about that? Daughter Jody gave me my "hot tip for the day" when she directed me to ever-on-target Sarah Young's words on that subject.
Sarah encourages me start my day, today and every day, with the full knowledge that there will be something to worry about before I get under the covers tonight. And here's where my choice comes into the picture. Do I use the minutes God gives me today to fret about those problems or do I use those same minutes looking to and thanking Him for how He is going to use those problems to mold me into a better person and to sweeten the prospect of a problem-free heaven. No question mark needed.
Thanks, Sarah, for this short and timely reminder.

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33 (NLT).

Fearful and wonderful? You bet!

On the health front:
One word this morning......Hallelujah! No Neupogen, for this week anyway!
I was so excited to hear the news that I neglected to ask for a WBC number but we'll cover that on Thursday when we meet with Dr. Polowy.
This means I'll get my usual infusion of Gemzar on Thursday, increasing the odds by a tiny bit that I might finish at least closer to my completion date of mid-July.
I am a happy woman!

When the going gets tough

My friend faces another health challenge today. She is running a good race and continually blesses and encourages me with her strength, her attitude and especially her unique and wonderful sense of humor. But because we are both taking uninvited journeys, I know she must be tired; tired of the ups and downs of good news, then not so good news and back again. She knows her Lord well and hangs on to Him as I am hanging on to Him, but it's not always easy.
So, today, for my friend and for myself, I will focus on verses that speak to us, personally.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified......for The Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you."-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV). And I know my friend well enough, I think, to know that she does not terrify easily!

"He energizes those who get tired; gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people [her, not me!] tire and drop out; young people in their prime stumble and fall."-Isaiah 40:29,30 (The Message).

"God is our protector and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble."-Psalm 46:1 (NLT).

"We always have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience [and do they ever!]. And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope never disappoints us, because God has poured out His love to fill our hearts."-Romans 5:3-5 (NCV).

And finally, my personal favorite:
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."-Matthew 11:28-30 (NCV).

This one's for you, girlfriend! You can do this!

Hot tip(s) for the day

When our son, Pat, was a teenager he coined a phrase that has stuck around to this day. If he made a discovery or picked up a piece of information that impacted him and that he thought might be useful in general, he would share it, calling it his "hot tip for the day".
This morning I'm looking for hot tips for my day and I know I'll always get at least a few from my morning reading. Bear with me as I discover a few of those tips, disjointed as they may appear.
Max Lucado's "hot tip for the day": Don't bother to look for true contentment from anything I find here on earth. It's all temporary. Keep my eyes and heart focused on what is offered from a higher plane and be ready to think outside the envelope in my definition of contentment.
Be a good friend today. Strong bonds of friendship are priceless. Again, Max Lucado.
Be grateful for everything! (And that includes cancer.) "Thou Who hast given so much to me, give me one more thing-a grateful heart!."-George Herbert.
Look for answered prayer in God's timing, not mine.. "Some prayers have a longer voyage than others, but they return with the richer lading at last, so that the praying soul is a gainer by waiting for an answer."-William Gurnall.
Always expect to triumph. "Let's keep our heads up and our knees down-we're on the victory side!"-Alan Redpath.

That's about as much as this old soul can handle for one day. If any more "hot tips for the day" pop up and I think they may be worth sharing, I'll do just that😊

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."-2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV).

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."-Romans 12:12 (NIV).

On the health front:
The pesky health issue of yesterday is on its way to resolution.
Early blood test this morning to ascertain whether my week will include Neupogen injections and/or chemotherapy.
Please pray for increased production of those poor hammered white blood cells.

"I am the Vine......"

"I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is who bears much fruit for apart from Me you can do nothing."-John 15:5 (ESV).
BFF Pat gave me a lovely book a while ago titled In My Father's Vineyard by Wayne Jacobsen. Mr. Jacobsen was raised on a small vineyard in California and he does a masterful job in his book of comparing his father's vineyard to his Father's vineyard. This morning the words speak to my situation......(and am I surprised?).
In his perfect phraseology Mr. Jacobsen describes the interdependence of the branch and the grapevine itself. The two are linked, grafted to each other. The branch doesn't just hang out in close proximity to the vine; it's firmly attached to it.
What a great picture of myself as I enjoy the nourishment of the Vine to which I am attached and without Whom I would be withering and dying on this journey. I can count on the everlasting promise that the life-giving nourishment of the Vine will never dry up. It's a "lifetime adventure", as Jacobsen so aptly puts it.
The author contrasts the truths stated above with the reality of the world I live in; the world that tells me that if I want anything in this life it's up to me to go out there and get it on my own. I need to work hard, hard, hard to achieve my desires. But I have learned, thankfully, that as I live in God's vineyard I am in tune with the Master Gardener and all I need to do is "embrace that friendship and not run off at every distraction or be pulled away by every temptation". (Jacobsen).
Sure, living in the vineyard involves getting some dirt under my fingernails, but it's the turning over of my soil that exposes it to the sunlight and makes it fertile. ("Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil and let us see what we're made of."-Charles Spurgeon, from a previous post.)
Wow.....what an encouraging morning of reading! My thanks go out to Wayne Jacobsen, wherever he may be. I know he's in his Father's vineyard somewhere😊

"I love Thee
For giving me clusters of grapes
In the wilderness,
And drops of heavenly wine
That set me longing to have my fill.
Apart from Thee I quickly die,
Bereft of Thee I thirst and droop;
But Thou art all I need.
Let me continually grasp the promise,
'I will never leave thee or forsake thee.'"-The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions.

On the health front:
A pesky little health situation which will remain nameless may require a trip to the nearby clinic this morning for resolution. We'll see what the oncologist's office recommends.
Aside from that, all is well.

Confidence

Sarah Young (someday I'd love to meet her) points me again this morning to the truth that God's love for me is not based on my performance. Good thing, since my performance has not been spectacular these past months. God loves me and wants the best for me at all times, whether His and my definition of "best" agrees or not.
I have nothing profound to offer this morning. I am content in my confidence that I am totally, completely on God's radar screen always, never flying under it. I know that regardless of the ever-changing nature of this thing called cancer, there is a stillness that can always be found.
I try not to overwhelm these posts with quotes but today I can't help myself. Streams in the Desert offers such a beautiful visual picture of confidence that I am breaking my rule:
"As we pass beneath the hills which have been shaken by the earthquake and torn by convulsion, we find that periods of perfect repose succeed those of destruction. The pools of calm water lie clear beneath their fallen rocks, the water lilies gleam, and the reeds whisper among the shadows; the village rises again over the forgotten graves, and its church tower, white through the storm twilight, proclaims a renewed appeal to His protection 'in Whose hands are all the corners of the earth, and the strength of the hills is His also.'"-Ruskin.
Beautiful!

"Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 8:39 (NKJV).

In the health front:
Not a lot has changed. We're pretty much on hold until my labs from Monday are read, giving us the battle plan for next week.
Two full days of no fever either in the morning or in the evening, so that's a praise😊

Contentment

I seem to be drawn to the Puritan preachers of old. This morning the voice of Jeremiah Burroughs speaks to me again through the printed word.
Burroughs lived from 1600 until 1646 and was a Congregationalist Puritan preacher who gained a ton of spiritual insight in his short life. The only writings I have read of his are on the subject of contentment and he seems to have fully understood and attained that sometimes elusive state of being. He saw himself as a traveler through time and space, but he also saw himself as a soldier. Having a son who is a Marine and who has endured the hardships of living in Afghanistan for a period of time has helped me appreciate Burrough's musings this morning.
When life and its demands were more manageable than they are at present, I breezed along enjoying the benefits. Contentment was a built- in component of my days. I am sorry to say that I took much for granted. But when my about-face occurred my contentment foundation faltered and I was asked to establish a new basis for it....to find and embrace a new interpretation of it, much like Burrough's soldier.
The soldier, according to Burroughs, is asked to leave his comfortable home and to adjust to a new life without its comforts. "The very thought of the condition of a soldier is enough to still his disquiet of heart. When he is away he does not enjoy such comforts in his quarters as he has in his own home.........he sometimes has to lie on straw and he thinks to himself, 'I am a soldier and it is suitable to my condition.'"-Jeremiah Burroughs (Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment).
The soldier of Burrough's writing actually rejoices in his situation and sees his lack of comforts as only suitable for it. He has been called to his duty and he finds an odd (in my eyes) contentment in his position.
"So it should be with us in respect of this world. What an unseemly thing it would be to see a soldier go whining up and down with his finger in his eye, complaining that he does not have hot meat every meal and his bed warmed as he did at home."-Jeremiah Burroughs.
So today, as I soldier through my battle from a warm bed and among all the comforts of my home, I will be content. I will see this season as one to which I have been called and through which I will pass one way or another. I thank this young man, Jeremiah Burroughs, who was younger than several of my own children when he was called home, for speaking to this old soldier today.
Contentment...it truly is a rare jewel.

"I am a stranger in the earth, do not hide Your commandments from me."-Psalm 119:19.

"You therefore endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ."-2 Timothy 2:3.

On the health front:
Another Nasty Shot yesterday, early lab on Monday to check out the white blood cell situation, then whatever it takes to allow my chemo to take place on Thursday.
Please pray that I can keep the treatment schedule that has been established so we can finish on target.

The key of the winds

It's windy this morning and I'm struck with how timely that is for today's devotion.
Mark Guy Pearse penned a parable many years ago about a man who was met with a fierce, defiant east wind as he left his house and locked his door. The man began to grumble about the unpleasant wind, wishing it would change.
As he went on his way he was met by an angel holding a key. "My Master sends thee His love and bids me give you this." The man asked the angel, "What is it?" and the angel replied that it was the key of the winds, then disappeared.
The man was happy and hurried up the mountains to the caves from which the winds came. The first thing he did was lock the door to the cave of the troublesome east wind, happy that he would not be plagued by it anymore.
"What shall I choose in its place?", he asked himself. He pictured a gentle south wind with its pleasantness and warmth but as he put the key in the lock to free the south wind, the key began to burn in his hand. "What am I doing!", he asked himself. "How do I know if this is what the fields want?" He thought of the thousands of things that could go wrong if his foolish wish was granted. He prayed that the angel would return and take the key away from him and he promised to never ask for it again.
The Lord Himself appeared at the man's side and the man laid the key into His scarred hand, ashamed that he had ever murmured against the One Who had hung the winds. "Dost Thou keep the key of the winds?", the man asked. "I do, my child.", He answered. "Didst thou not know that My kingdom ruleth over all?"
The Lord reached down to the man and laid His hand on the man's shoulder, tenderly. "My child", He said, "Thy only safety is, in everything, to love and trust and praise."-Mark Guy Pearse (Streams in the Desert).
Wow! As I go through an "east wind" period of my journey, today I am praying that I will never be tempted to ask for "the keys of the winds". The Lord knows which wind I need and when I need it. My job is to heed the words of that parable: "Thy only safety is, in everything, to love and trust and praise."

"The Lord has made the heavens His throne; from there He rules everything."-Psalm 103:19 (NLT).

On the health front:
The latest labs indicate that my white blood cell count is continuing in a downward direction. We returned to the oncologist's office for The Nasty Shot yesterday and will go back for another today.
This is my week off from chemo and the hope is that my cell count will begin to improve during the break. Another blood draw on Monday will determine whether my chemo will resume on Thursday or if there is more Neupogen in the works. "Thy only safety is, in everything, to love and trust and praise."

The myth of self-sufficiency

We ran away to Payson on Monday, expecting to have a couple of days of outside work for Chuck and a good opportunity to rest for me. It was ideal in that we are pretty much alone up there, thus eliminating the risk of interaction with potential human-carried germs.
On Monday I was more tired than usual and by Tuesday morning I had a fever that would not break. Our idyllic few days bit the dust and we headed back home in case medical intervention might be required.
Our daughter called my attention to a particularly good daily devotion that provided just the attitude adjustment I needed....a message that my omniscient (all-knowing) God knew that I would be needing at that very moment. I love it when that happens!
Sarah Young called me back to the reality that I need to consider myself blessed when I experience the lack of a basic need....my health at the moment. And how to do that?
My choices are to crumble in defeat and self-pity because I can't take care of the problem myself or to realize that now, as always, self-sufficiency just isn't going to cut it and all I need to do is to hang on to my God Who is already hanging on to me. What a relief it is to know that I don't need to be self- sufficient! God will take care of it for me in His own perfect way. "Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling). Now that's blessed!
So, today I will veg, with God's permission, confident that my present circumstances are not unknown to my Great Physician.
"....My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..."-2 Corinthians 11:9 (NIV).

On the health front:
It's been pretty well covered above.
I had an early blood draw yesterday and will find out today whether I need The Nasty Shot (Neupogen) before resuming chemo. Oh well....whatever works😊