Ruminations

The peaks and valleys of my journey have been eye openers.  I am constantly reminded of how I have taken life and health for granted.  And while I like to think that I am conscious of the working of God through every minute of my life, I have allowed myself to relegate Him to a distant place when I am enjoying a good day.  Then come the not-so-good days and I'm holding on tightly again. 

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, but sometimes I wonder if I'm praying for the right thing.  Do I pray for complete healing, knowing that once I regain my energy I will probably engage in life to the point where I will feel a sense of self control once again?  Or do I pray for continued reminders, more challenges, in order to be constantly aware of my minute by minute need for Him?

I'm reminded in a couple of my readings this morning that it's the pressures, the trials, that bring out the stuff in me that is of value.  The trials sensitize me to my need for Someone higher than myself to take the reins from my hands.  And my trials make me more sensitive to the trials of those around me.  As I realize again the truth of the need for trials in my life in order to push me in a forward direction, I have permission to encourage others with more than platitudes.  And that's a good thing.  

But, honestly, I want to be healed.  I want to wake up each morning with fresh energy and a desire to engage in my surroundings once again.  I want to look forward to stresses with the confidence that I can work through them rather than allowing them to overwhelm me.  Selfish?  I'm not sure.

I probably won't discover the answer today, or maybe I never will, but my prayer is that I will always be given enough reminders that it is not I who hold the key to me, but the One Who created me.

"I was crushed....so much that I despaired even of life, but that was to make me rely not on myself, but on the God Who raises the dead."-The apostle, Paul, speaking to the Corinthians in 2 Corinthians 1:8,9.

On the health front:

Neupogen continues to remind me that my body needs to step up to the task of producing more white blood cells.  The discouraging part of Neutropenia is the exhaustion that accompanies it.  Getting out of bed and into the shower are tasks that came so easily in the past.  Now....not so much.

Anyway, enough whining.  It's going to be a good day!