Random thoughts

This morning my thoughts are scattered, but in a semi- organized way, if that's possible.  I think it has something to do with the approaching reality that I will soon be sprung from my "enforced rest" and allowed the privilege of re-entering life as I once knew it.  I hope I will re-enter it a different person.  I have been radically changed and I hope it has been for the better.

I have realized that a piece of my sense of self- worth had its basis in accomplishments (not that they have been of any particular significance in the whole scheme of things).  Another realization is that I took my good health completely for granted.  And yet another is that I could have been far more compassionate and caring than I was.  

I have learned that a major health challenge is not necessarily a bad thing.  I have gained a new appreciation for the kindness of others.  I have especially come to see a new depth in the love I have for my husband and the love he has for me.

Above all, I have discovered so much more about the sufficiency of my God.  He has met me at each of my needs, having charted my path even before I knew what that path would be.  He took me to a new level of dependence, both physically and spiritually, and when I had no earthly direction left, there He was, waiting patiently.  I hope I have finally and forever learned the simple but profound lesson that I always need to seek Him first, not just when my earthly options have run out.

I think of our Marine son, Chris, who first had to experience Boot Camp during which he was mentally and physically stripped of his former self and then rebuilt as a United States Marine.  I have indeed experienced Spiritual Boot Camp.  I have had all my earthly props removed and have been redesigned as a woman with a new appreciation of what my foundation should be. It has not always been a pleasant experience but for it I am so very grateful.  And there's so much more.

This may not be the most coherent of all my posts but that's where I am today. Thanks for bearing with me.

On the health front:

The constant fatigue has morphed into semi- constant fatigue so I suspect something positive is occurring inside.  I measure my energy level by meager accomplishments, such as being able to dry and style my hair standing up rather than sitting down and I've had a week in a standing position😊

I suspect that the hemoglobin and platelet counts are still unsatisfactory based on the occurrence of a relatively insignificant bumping of my arm that resulted in a bruise the size of a small lemon. (TMI?)

My weekly blood draws are continuing and our real day of celebration will occur when I hear from the oncologist's office that all is normal on the numbers front and I can cease those weekly visits.

Lots to be thankful for these days.

Love and Pray

Wonderful reflection by David H. Roper in Our Daily Bread today. Since getting older is his focus, I can relate!

Throughout this still somewhat unpredictable adventure I've often been reminded of how the aging process has seemed to accelerate since my diagnosis last October.  Depending on my mood of the moment, this can be discouraging or it won't bother me at all.  Today it is not discouraging, so off we go!

Mr. Roper reminds me that even as my body loses its ability to do the things it once could do, I can still love and I can still pray.  And there is so much to love and so many people and situations about which to pray that I never need fear running out of opportunities. 

"Love and prayer are mighty works indeed, the mightiest works for any of us.  Why?  Because our God, Who wants to use us, is an all-loving and all-powerful God."-David H. Roper (Our Daily Bread).

And I especially like this quote:

"In a popular children's book, Winnie the Pooh watches Kanga bound away. 'I wish I could jump like that', he thinks.  'Some can and some can't. That's how it is'."-Contributed by David H. Roper.

Life and all it entails has become even more precious since having cancer.  It is my privilege to love and to pray while I walk this earth.

"They will still bear fruit in old age; they will stay fresh and green."-Psalm 92:14 (NIV)

On the health front:

As of 8:20 AM all is well😊

Rest

I'm surrounded by silence this morning.  Carson has headed north for a well-deserved day of calling his own shots and I have the luxury of sipping coffee, still in my bathrobe at 8:00 AM.  It looks as if it will be a day of rest.

Yesterday I was wonderfully overwhelmed by inspiration from several sources and it was tough to choose one topic for my post, so today I'm re-visiting one of those topics.

"Rest" has taken up much of this journey through cancer. In the past I thought of rest as something within my control.  Rest was a peaceful state, one that was chosen when needed and pleasant in nature.  Then I was introduced to enforced rest.  My body was put into a place where I had nothing to say about when I rested and this new enforced rest was often accompanied by pain and discomfort. I eventually recognized that a common component of rest, whether chosen or enforced, was healing.

Today I am privileged to be able to choose rest. I have been given permission to do it, actually. 

"Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.  The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.....Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling)

As this aged body seeks its new path I take such encouragement in knowing that I have a hand to hold that will never loosen its grip.  Who couldn't rest knowing that!

"I am with you and will watch you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."-Genesis 28:15 (NIV).

On the health front:

I thoroughly enjoyed spending early Thursday afternoon in the comfort of my own home rather than attached to a chemo pole. Thursday evening brought a low fever but it didn't go anywhere so I'm happy to report that there is nothing of significance to report😊

Strength

Today's reflections in Streams in the Desert really resonate with me this morning. The main topic is strength, and it's not surprising that I can identify with the subject since strength in several of its forms has been perhaps my biggest challenge on this journey through cancer.  Even before getting out of bed in the morning I do a mental "strength assessment". How strong do I feel physically? How strong do I feel mentally and spiritually?  And there is usually a different answer each morning.

I have been tested at every level of strength and I will honestly admit that I have not passed every test with flying colors.  I have gone through the "I just can't do this!" stage to the "I can do this!" and back again on a regular basis.  But I have ceased to beat myself up over my lack of consistency and have gratefully given in to the comfort of resting in the arms of my Great Physician, knowing that He will meet my needs whenever and wherever.  It's His strength that is consistent and for that reason mine doesn't have to be.

"The Lord is my strength to go up.  He is to me the power by which I can climb the Hill of Difficulty and not be afraid.  

The Lord is my strength to go down.  It is when we leave the bracing heights, where the wind and sun have been about us, and when we begin to come down the hill into closer and more sultry spheres, that the heart is apt to grow faint.

The Lord is my strength to go on.  He gives us the power to tread the dead level, to walk the long lane that seems never to have a turning, to go through those long reaches of life which afford no pleasant surprises, and which depress the spirits in the sameness of terrible drudgery."-The Silver Lining (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).

Lovely!  Couldn't have said it better myself.

"Do not grieved, for the joy of The Lord is your strength."-Nehemiah 8:10b (NIV).

On the health front:

No particular challenges this morning.  I am a happy woman😄

Perserverance

Today's forecast promises 106 degree weather so I'm going back into My Father's Vineyard where it's always cool and pleasant.

It's almost eerie how the chapters I'm reading in this beautiful book parallel the seasons I'm going through on this journey, but nothing happens without a reason so I read on in amazement, learning so much along the way.

Wayne Jacobsen continues to recall the seasons spent as a child in his earthly father's vineyard in California's San Joaquin Valley. He has brought me through Winter and Spring, and now it's Summer, the time for the maturing of the grapes.  The beauty of the Spring's exploding beauty has passed and the keeper of the vineyard is working hard at maintaining the grapes in this season between promise and harvest.

Mr. Jacobsen suggests that this season between promise and harvest exists in my life as well.  

First came the dormant season of Winter, a season of deadness that might describe the time around my diagnosis.  Nothing looked promising.  Everything looked lifeless, blanketed in coldness.  But after a period of deadness followed the promise of Spring as the decisions for treatment began that would hold the possibility of life and new growth.  The weeds of cancer would be destroyed and the new growth of healthy cells could begin.  This would be a season of beauty, of hope.

It's now Summer, both both physically and spiritually.  The treatment has ended but the routines of irrigation and cultivation that the farmer must maintain in the summer vineyard must be continued in my body as well.  I must persevere in attention to it and how it speaks to me of its needs.  This is not the time to drop the tools of cultivation as I look forward to the season of harvest, the season of enjoying a body that is healthy once again.  The Father of my vineyard never fails to provide the tools I need in order to realize the abundant harvest that I fully expect, and I thank Him constantly.

I also thank BFF Pat every time I enter My Father's Vineyard. It speaks to me every time.

"I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins.  I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw:  A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man."-Proverbs 24:30-34 (NIV).

On the health front:

A phone call from the oncologist's office yesterday revealed that my white blood cell count is low but not of major concern, so no more Neupogen for this week, at least.  Yay!  The areas of concern are my hemoglobin and platelet counts.  The oncology nurse said that as long as I am asymptomatic (no symptoms) I will not require a blood transfusion.  My main goal is to remain asymptomatic😊

Celebrating the day

I'm posting a bit late today but a nice result of the lateness of the hour is that it has given me more time to experience the truth of Sarah Young's paraphrase of Jesus' words where I am encouraged to receive each day as a gift.  (Whew....that was a long sentence!)  I'm reminded again that before my feet hit the floor this morning my day had already been planned for me.  My job is to receive it with thanksgiving regardless of what it may bring.

My friend and cancer- sister, Joyce, helps me to celebrate each day.  She recently sent me a beautiful Footprints plaque.  It reminds me every morning that when I walk side by side with Jesus and at times see only one set of footprints, He has not left my side but is carrying me. What an incredible reality!

So, it's short but very sweet this morning as I thank Him for another day of precious life and sing, if only mentally, "This is the day that The Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it!"  (Psalm 118:24).

Love those psalms and love the writings of Sarah Young!

"Let us come before Him with thanksgiving and extol Him with music and song."-Psalm 95:2 (NIV).

On the health front:

It has been a busy morning.  It's blood draw day and Neupogen day and so far, absolutely nothing negative to report.  It's a great day!

My Pilot

Bill Crowder, writing for Our Daily Bread, uses the example of a flight simulator to kick my brain into gear this morning.  He talks about the many hours spent in flight simulators by pilots in training.  The pilots are put into situations in which life and death decisions must be made.  They work their way through those situations with varying results and even when their simulator planes crash to the ground, the pilots walk away unscathed.  Unfortunately, as Crowder points out, life isn't like that.  We have no "life simulators" in which we can take practice runs, experience the results of our life choices and then employ the choices that have yielded the most satisfactory results, walking away unscathed.

I think back to the beginning of our journey through cancer and wonder if it would have been beneficial to have had a "cancer simulator" where I could have experimented with different choices, then walked away unscathed, having experienced, albeit artificially, the effects of my poor choices along the way and knowing to avoid them later on.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it would not have been a good thing. As long as I was in the "cancer simulator" I would have had the controls in my hand.  Every move would have depended on my own decisions.  I would have been the pilot through the good choices and the poor choices and I can easily imagine the devastating results of the experience.

I am so grateful when I think back and remember that at no time did I need to hand the controls over to God.  He had the controls firmly in His hand long before our journey began.  And as a result I have not crashed and burned.

Have I walked away unscathed?  I truly hope not!  I never want to forget the pain and trials of this journey. It has been in the times of my greatest discomfort that I have experienced my greatest need for the Pilot and have experienced the ongoing, faithful meeting of those needs by His hand.

The bumper sticker of years past had it completely wrong when it stated, "God is my Co-pilot". Thank you, Lord, that you are my Pilot, no "Co" about it!

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace......."-John 16:33a (NET).

On the health front:

Neupogen today...ugh!

Confidence

The word of the day, or at least for this morning's post, is Confidence.  My dependable e-dictionary defines confidence as:  "Full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness or reliability of a person or thing." That definition will suffice for this morning's musings.

As I reach toward the finish line I'm aware of how many times on this journey it's been necessary to have confidence in people, procedures, machines, theories and medicines, among other things, not having the slightest inkling as to their reliability. I think I have some idea of how a blind person must feel as she sees nothing, yet stretches out her hand, fully trusting in that other person or thing.  

Handing the reins over to the medical community has been scary, but when most choices were removed from a situation we had to take a collective deep breath and trust, having confidence that the few choices that were ours were the correct ones.

How comforting beyond measure is the knowledge that I can have perfect confidence that I am loved by God and that nothing happens in my life that He is not aware of and in which He is not fully involved.  In my ever-shifting world this is the foundation that will never move.  I can have "full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness and reliability"  of a Person Who will never fail me.

Now that's true confidence.

"So know that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God.  He will keep His agreement of love for a thousand lifetimes for people who love Him and keep His commandments."-Deuteronomy 7:9 (NCV).

On the health front:

I had a couple of "Martha Stewart" hours yesterday morning as I experienced a temporary surge of energy that felt very foreign.....and very good!  I enjoyed, and used, every minute of it.

Could it be a preview of things to come???

The Power of Love

Recently my sister, Janet, responded to my blog post on the subject of kindness, drawing my attention to the importance of reminding ourselves of the power of love. 

In this world so full of problems, my first response to life and all it entails has not always been one of love. At the time of my diagnosis I remember feeling shock, unbelief, a feeling of being completely out of control.  I did the usual, "Why me?" before coming to the "Why not me?" stage of acceptance. Nowhere in this process could love be found.  But it was there.

Love first became apparent to me through the love of my family.  I did not have one moment when their love didn't surround me.  Then came the love of friends in waves.  Love came to me in the form of the many kindnesses of the nurses and doctors at the hospital.  And on and on it went.  I felt useless and incompetent, yet surrounded by love at the same time.

Gradually, as I began to adjust to my new reality, my searches into what God had to say about love became an important focus.  I began to understand how His placing me in a wholly dependent position could possibly reflect His love for me when the two just didn't naturally go together.  And here I am today, experiencing His love more completely than ever before.

I am reminded again and again of the reality that love is a decision, not merely a feeling. Countless times I have found it necessary to make the decision to love when it was not a natural inclination and I can't remember a single time when making that decision was the wrong one.

I learn in Scripture that faith can move mountains and I believe that love can move mountains as well. I have been brought from a helpless, weak person whose spirit has been challenged to a strong, confident and hopeful person because of the amazing power of love.....God's love and the love of many beautiful people.

Regardless of our foundational beliefs, we can all find a place for love in our lives. Love means putting self in a secondary position and it is a very valuable exercise from which we all can profit.

So, through this amazing journey through cancer I have learned that focusing on the disease and all the challenges it presents, then responding by constantly complaining about my state, is counter-productive. A far better use of my energy is to use it in the giving and receiving of love.

"Rehearse your troubles to God only."-Mrs. Charles Cowman (Streams in the Desert)

"And now these three remain:  Faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."-1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV).

On the health front:

With a good mental attitude things aren't going too badly.

Next week brings two of the Nasty Shots to jump start my body into remembering to do what it's supposed to do on its own.

Keep praying, please☺

First position

I'm shamelessly leaning on Sarah Young again today for my daily encouragement. She so often meets me at my need in her paraphrases of Jesus' words and her added insights of how I can be encouraged by them.  Today I'm reminded of my need to put Him first and that He will not let me down as I (we) chart my (our) path through this season my life.

As we have walked this journey I have found myself sinking to my lowest points when I focus on the little picture; the day to day discomforts and challenges of not being able to depend upon the things that never failed in the past.  And Wow, is that an easy thing to do!  As Sarah reminds me, if this happens only occasionally, it's a common human behavior, but if I have allowed it to become a pattern, I need a re-focusing of my priorities.  It's the big picture that is, and always has been, the important one.

Now that I'm approaching a pause in our journey through cancer, I have been giving much thought to this blog.  My one and only reason for starting it was to give God the glory for His faithfulness at a time when my need was at the greatest it has ever been.  When I have been given the green light to step off into good health and all that it entails, I will be ending the blog.  I will not be ending my dependence on Him, that's for certain, but I will be ending the blog.  At no time will I allow this to become self serving.  Its purpose was always to chronicle our journey through cancer, and should I need to pick up the suitcase again for a subsequent journey, the blog will be resurrected. But I'm still on the journey and will be for a while, so the blog continues and it's back to the subject at hand.

As often happens, my attempts to assimilate the words already put to paper by Mrs. Young and put them into my own pale paraphrase fail, so I choose to quote her at the risk of missing something really important.  Here are her words to me today:

"Putting Me first is not an arbitrary rule; it is the way to live vibrantly, joyfully- close to Me.  It is also the way to live purposefully, letting Me direct your steps.  When I am your top priority, other things fall into their proper place.  So delight yourself in Me, first and foremost.  As you walk in the Light of My presence, I open up the path before you, crowning your efforts with success."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

So, off I go on my journey for today!

"Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37:4 (NIV).

"In everything you do, put God first and He will crown your efforts with success."-Proverbs 3:6 (TLB).

On the health front:

Yesterday was Graduation Day, complete with a diploma from my oncology nurses and balloons from BFF, Pat, who sat with me during treatment.  I was privileged to ring the "Freedom Bell", a miniature version of the Liberty Bell, and I received a round of applause from all the nurses and patients who were receiving their treatments.  Pretty heady stuff!

I was kept grounded, however, by the reminder from my nurse that instant recovery is not a reality and that improvement will be gradual.  My numbers are still extremely low in several areas so I will be receiving two Neupogen shots next week, followed by continued blood draws until the old body takes over on its own.

But...who's complaining!!!  I have taken a giant step along this continuing journey through cancer😊

My Rock

Our Daily Bread pointed me in the direction I needed to go this morning.  The writer, Jennifer Benson Schuldt, recalled a walk around a lake during which she passed a pile of rocks.  Upon closer examination she observed a small crack between the rocks where a tiny plant was growing.  At first glance the plant's surroundings did not appear able to provide what was needed for the plant to flourish, but just enough water and sunlight was able to reach the plant and sustain it.  What a nice mental picture!

I am that small plant trying to flourish in the hostile environment of cancer and God has not only provided room for nourishment in this hostile environment, He has built a fortress around me to protect me as I reach for the sun.  How often I have been nourished by the sun and protected by The Son.

I have nothing to fear.

"When I thought 'my foot slips', Your steadfast love, Oh Lord, held me up.  When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul........the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the Rock of my refuge."-Psalm 94:18,19, 22 (ESV).

On the health front:

Today is Graduation Day.  I am realistic enough to know that I will not walk out of that chemo room immediately restored to my former self, but today is an important step toward toward re-entering life.

YOLO

If I took the time to read every unread book I have in my possession, be it hard cover or virtual, I would have reading material for the rest of my life and then some. It is a huge challenge for me to fight the urge to buy a new book, especially when I read a tantalizing review and, who knows, I may cave and purchase this one. However, whether I do or not, the review of Death by Living:  Life is Meant to be Spent by N.D. Wilson challenged me to look forward to the years I have left and to live them judiciously.

YOLO is an acronym for You Only Live Once, a popular attitude in today's hedonistic society.  As popular as this mentality is in our self-serving world, (and I am guilty of exercising it in self-service more often than I care to admit), it encourages me to remember to live in service to others as well.

Our journey through cancer has resulted in an inordinate amount of time being spent on self and I'm ready to be finished with that.  It's time to re-focus and to be constantly aware of how I am investing the time I have left as I move toward life's finish line. 

Brett McCracken, the reviewer of this book, chooses his words well:  "Death is not a shadow to be feared or an abstraction to be put out of our minds.  Rather, it is a part of God's creational good, a beautiful reminder of the brevity of breath and the urgency of life." I didn't have to reach 74 years of age to realize that I began my march toward death from my first breath of life but a reminder now and then is a good thing.

The author of the book, N.D. Wilson, sums up the thesis of his book when he says, "I am a man attempting to paint another picture of the same wonderful world, but I have turned my easel around. I've taken my best shot at the sunrise. Now for the sunset."  Age aside, we would all do well to examine how we are investing the gift of life with which we've been blessed.

(I feel a new book coming on.)

On the health front:

Good news and not-so-good news.  The not-so-good news is that today I must go in for another Nasty Shot but the good news is that I will get my final chemo treatment tomorrow.

I'm more than ready for whatever comes my way.

His plan, not mine

An odd bit of discouragement nags this morning.  I'm so close to the end of my treatment that I should be ecstatic but the fatigue that has dogged me throughout this journey robs my spirit of excitement.  My prayer is that this constant fatigue has a purely physical basis, not an emotional one. I loved the excitement and the stamina of my former life and the thought of it being gone forever makes me sad.

Proverbs 16:9 calls me to examine myself to see if I'm jumping ahead, trying to create my own blueprint for what will follow in this new this season, this culmination of our journey through cancer. "In his heart man plans his course, but The Lord determines his steps."-(NIV).  And Jeremiah 29:11 puts the exclamation point to that truth:  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."-(NIV).

I need to focus on these two verses today and keep reminding myself that whatever this post-treatment life looks like, it is what has been created just for me and even if it doesn't resemble my pre-cancer one, it will be perfect.

Lord, whatever is to follow, let me be grateful.

On the health front:

Blood draw this morning, then discovering whether or not Neupogen will be necessary in order to receive chemotherapy on Thursday.  More waiting.  More naps.

Sound medical advice

I didn't sleep well last night, woke up with a headache and have no energy.  As I started my quiet time reading I was greeted with the words, "Learn to laugh at yourself more freely.  Don't take yourself or your circumstances so seriously."-Sarah Young (Jesus Calling).  (And why do I ever question God's constant awareness of my needs for every moment!)

Those words have encouraged me to look through my Bible for laughter-related verses.  I seriously need my "Hot Tip for the Day" and maybe what I find will fill the bill.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."-Proverbs 17:22 (NIV).

I'd better get to work on this one.  A crushed spirit doesn't sound very appealing!

"......and she always faces tomorrow with a smile."-Proverbs 31:25 (The Message- speaking of a godly woman.)

Wow.....that's confidence!

"When The Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.  Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy."-Psalm 126:1,2 (NIV).

This is how I hope to react when I'm brought back to good health from "captivity" to cancer!

"......Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh."-Luke 6:21 (NET).

Sounds good to me!

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful...."- Proverbs 15:13 (NIV).

A cheerful face it is!

"A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart, and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle."-Proverbs 15:30 (The Message).

I'll work hard on that twinkle today!

Mrs. Young sums it up well when she writes, "Laughter lightens your load and lifts your heart into heavenly places.  Your laughter rises to heaven and blends with angelic melodies of praise."-(Jesus Calling).

So, if I can't be happy after reading all those verses I will have no one to blame but myself.

On the health front:

The first sentence above pretty well describes it but I think I'll laugh it off😀

"For Spring will not last forever."

Wayne Jacobsen is back in his father's vineyard this morning, the vineyard of his childhood.  Winter has fully departed, the preparatory work has been done to ensure that the budding grapevines are in their best condition for surviving the precarious nature of the changing season and Spring has arrived in earnest. The vineyard is practically taking care of itself.  The rains nourish the soil and the weeds, while needing attention, have remained small and relatively insignificant.  The farmer, however, is never far away.  He tends to the small weeds and spreads fertilizer under the vines, ever watchful for anything that could jeopardize the growth and maturity of his "children".

Everything is well in the vineyard, but Summer is coming.  The big weeds arrive in Summer and can easily choke out the vine if ignored. The work that has been done in preparation for this approaching season will determine the vitality and productivity of the vine, and so it is with my life.

Springtime, that glorious season when life is good and challenges are minimal, will not last forever. Mr. Jacobsen cautions me to use these times of great blessing to build and strengthen my relationship with the Keeper of my vineyard.

"Complacency is the greatest danger we face when God blesses us in the springtime.  We don't need to participate, we think God will do it all.  How wrong that is!......The Gardener is doing all He can to ensure a future nourished by His presence.  We need to do likewise."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).

Am I constantly developing patterns for a healthy relationship with God, especially when life is good? I can't honestly say that I am.  But I will not be discouraged since I know that He is the vigilant Keeper of my vineyard and will be ever ready to care for and teach me in good times and bad.

"This year you will eat what grows by itself, and the second year what springs from that.  But in the third year sow and reap, plant vineyards and eat their fruit."-Isaiah 37:30 (NIV).

On the health front:

Tired but ready to take on the upcoming week.

Kindness

My husband received a very special Father's Day gift from a very special family in Tucson yesterday. (Thank you, John, Wendy and kids!)   It was a beautiful handmade bell from the Ben's Bells project (www.bensbells.org).  The mission of this organization is "to inspire, educate and motivate each other to realize the impact of intentional kindness and to empower individuals to act according to that awareness, thereby changing our world."  I am "seasoned" enough to have observed and experienced untold examples of intentional kindness and I want to always remain child-like enough to believe that fulfilling the mission of Ben's Bells could actually change the world.

Intentional kindness has changed my world through our journey through cancer. From the moment of my diagnosis I have been overwhelmed in the very best of ways by the intentional kindness of others. Those kindnesses have come in more forms than could ever be summarized here.  My spirits have been lifted from the doldrums over and over again by unexpected outreaches of people who have set themselves aside for the moment and put another's needs before their own.

My prayer is that I never forget the powerful impact of a simple act of kindness and that I may be blessed by being allowed to forward those many kindnesses, and more, to others as I re-enter life.

"....dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you:  compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline."-Colossians 3:12 (The Message).

"Mighty God,

If by unkindness I have wounded or hurt another, do Thou pour in the balm of heavenly consolation.

If I have turned coldly from need, misery, grief,.........fill me with an over-flowing ocean of compassion, the reign of love my motive, the law of love my rule....."-The Valley of Vision:  A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions).

"The true meaning of life is to plants trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit"-Nelson Henderson.

On the health front:

Looks as if it will be a pretty good day😊

Leaning on the everlasting arms

Evidently a meeting of  Insomniacs Anonymous has been called and I'm not supposed to miss it. I can't talk to my fellow Insomniacs about tonight's topic because we're all, well, anonymous, but there is an element of excitement here since we know that we're about to be confronted with something tailored for each of us personally.  

Tonight, or rather this morning, I am being drawn again to the subject of faith, that mysterious but all-essential foundation of my relationship with God.  In a previous post I attempted to define faith in my own words but ended up quoting the verse in Hebrews that defines it so much better than I ever could.  I'll do it again:

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."-Hebrews 11:1 (ESV).

This was a tough concept to absorb in my "seeing is believing" world but years ago I stopped questioning whether or not faith existed and accepted what I really couldn't explain or fully understand.  It was at that point I began my serious walk with God. 

"Am I in trouble?  I can receive help by expressing faith.  Am I being battered by the Enemy?  My soul will find refuge by leaning in faith upon God.  But without faith I call to Him in vain, for faith is the only road between my soul and heaven.  If the road is blocked, how can I communicate with the Great King?"-Charles Spurgeon.  I would have loved knowing this man.

There's so much more to ponder about faith but I believe this meeting of Insomniacs Anonymous is drawing to a close.  I feel a few hours of restful slumber coming on, partially due to my faith in the reality that my God never slumbers.

  "...but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail...."-Luke 22:32 (ESV).

"......all things are possible for him who believes....."-Mark 9:23 (ESV).

On the health front:

Preceding my treatment was a good visit with my oncologist, Dr. Polowy,  and his Physician's Assistant, Jenna.

We learned that after my last treatment next week (Hallelujah!) I will be continuing my weekly blood draws until my levels indicate that my blood is recovering on its own.

My definitive PET scan will take place sometime near the end of July and my next appointment with Dr. Polowy will be on August 5.  At that appointment we will review the scan to discover whether or not this has all been worth it.

At this point it appears that my life as a hermit will continue for a few weeks until we see if my blood responds to its challenge of returning to acceptable levels, after which I will merge back into life as I once knew it.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all of this.  I think "excited and nervous" might apply at the moment.

And please forgive any typos you might find here.  My eyes are getting blurry.

God's accessibility

Our Daily Bread presented an interesting thought today and, as was intended, it got me thinking.

C.P. Hia, today's contributor, lost his Internet connection for a couple of days and found himself in a panic. He went on to wonder if he would be as panicked if his connection to God was interrupted for a day.  (I love it when my devotional reading doesn't require a rocket scientist's brain to unpack it.)

I'm as guilty as the next of falling headlong in love with the benefits of the Internet and my computer, in its various forms, has become one of my best friends.  A day does not pass that I don't access the wild beyond via the Internet and a meltdown of any part of the technology can put me into a very bad mood.

In pondering my appreciation for my access to God 24/7 I discovered (again) that there are many times that I have taken it for granted.  I have said this before and will say it again that one of the benefits of having cancer (that still sounds weird) is that I focus on God and His Word so much more now than when I was healthier. His voice is closer and clearer, and along with my dear friend, Ruth, I will miss that when I am healed and will once again be caught up in life.  Ruth has set the bar for me in not letting that closeness slip away and I only hope that I follow her example well.

God is only a thought and a prayer away and He promises that there will never be a disruption in His accessibility. What a powerful promise.

"Your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path."-Psalm 119:105 (NLT).

"To recharge your spiritual battery, plug into The  Source."-Our Daily Bread.

On the health front:

I got the reminder call from the oncologist's office yesterday for today's treatment so I'm assuming all is well in my numbers department.  

I do have some symptoms of the beginning of a cold and ask for your prayers. Under normal circumstances this would not be of the slightest concern but with my faulty immune system, even a cold could sabotage my treatment plan.

Many thanks.

The Great Physician

I've seen my share of doctors' offices since October of 2012 and today I am more well-versed in the things of medicine than I was then.  But regardless of how much I know today, there remains the great mystery of what is still unknown.  I have had to learn to trust my medical team in a way I have never needed to trust before. 

BFF Pat sent me a copy of something she found among her papers a few days ago.  She's not sure where she got it but she thinks it was from their friend, Skip Gray.  It's just too perfect to not share. Regardless of what is unknown, these are truths of which I can be sure:

A physician will ask you how you feel.  The Great Physician knows how you feel and understands what you are going through.

A physician will have you come to the office.  The Great Physician will stay with you and never leave your side.

A physician will show professional concern for you.  The Great Physician will show true compassion.

A physician will treat you with the best medicine.  The Great Physician will treat you with the riches of His grace.

A physician will follow your progress with periodic visits.  The Great Physician will keep you in His constant care.

A physician will send you a bill for services rendered.  The Great Physician does His work without charge.

A physician tries his very best to help you.  The Great Physician assures you that your life could not be in better hands.

Author Unknown 

Who could not have confidence knowing these truths?

On the health front:

Continuing, but lessening aches and pains from the Neupogen injections so today should be a good day.

"Come to me....."

Some days are better than others and I'm reminding myself this morning to celebrate the not-so-good days as well as the good ones.  Counterintuitive? Absolutely! But in the long run, without the occasional downer days I cannot fully appreciate the good ones.

God knows me well enough to know that on days when I'm not at my best, inspiration still comes but the ability to express that inspiration in my own words is at low ebb.  On days such as these I tend to quote the "Inspirer of the Day", and today is one of those days:

"Personal contact with Jesus changes everything.  Be 'foolish' enough to come and commit yourself to what He says. The attitude necessary for you to come to Him is one where your will has made a determination to let go of everything and deliberately commit it all to Him."  Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest-Updated Edition).  And this important counsel doesn't end here.  It's not simply a mind-over-matter transaction.  

The verses at the heart of this writing by Chambers are Matthew 11:28-30, oft quoted in these posts because they have met me where I stand on so many occasions, and they offer the ultimate reward for the "foolishness" of which Chambers speaks: ".....and I will give you rest-that is, 'I will sustain you, causing you to stand firm.'  He is not saying, 'I will hold your hand, put you to bed and sing you to sleep.' But in essence He is saying, 'I will get you out of bed- out of your listlessness and exhaustion, and out of your condition of being half-dead when you are still alive.  I will penetrate you with the spirit of life, and you will be sustained with the perfection of vital activity.'  Yet we become so weak and pitiful, and talk about 'suffering' the will of the Lord!  Where is the majestic vitality and the power of the Son of God in that?"-Oswald Chambers.

I'll choose letting Him get me out of bed this morning.  I've tried the "listlessness and exhaustion" approach.  It doesn't work.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."-Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV).

On the health front:

Neupogen must be doing its job.  I'm achey and pooped.  Not looking forward to another round today. But, as brother Dave so often reminds me, "If you're feeling it, the medicine is doing its job."

Good morning again

Neupogen is out of the way for today and I'm grateful for the present lull that allows me to do some reading before the morning gets completely away.

Today's musings found in Streams in the Desert focus on Romans 8:28, the verse that reminds me once again that "....all things work together for good to them that love God."  

In all honesty, I have not always been able to take that promise at face value. When life is in the pits I struggle to see how the promise can be true at all times, but when I realize for the umpteenth time that I am the one bound by time while God isn't, it is then that I am able to focus on the big picture and I'm forced out of the mindset that keeps me in the moment of those less than desirable times in life.

Macduff, the author of this morning's musings, focuses separately on each part of that promise found in Romans, but it is his observation on the "work together" part that has caught my attention. "It is a beautiful blending.  Many different colors, in themselves raw and unsightly, are required in order to weave the harmonious pattern.  Many separate tones and notes of music, even discords and dissonances, are required to make up the harmonious anthem."-Macduff (Streams in the Desert-Classic Edition).

George Mueller sums it up perfectly when he says:  "In one thousand trials it is not five hundred of them that work for the believer's good, but nine hundred and ninety-nine, and one beside."

Well said.

Slight change

My post will be delayed today due to life, in general. ("Life"......what a wonderful word!)

It was not a good night for sleeping thanks to an exhausted air conditioner that just gave up in the heat.  Thankfully, Manny of Manny's Air Conditioning (shameless recommendation) was able to make a stop first thing this morning and I can already feel the blissfully cool air, but Neupogen rears its ugly head shortly and will have to take the place of quiet time this morning.

Hopefully some peace awaits and I'll post later.

On the health front:

Aside from needing a nap already, no complaints, thankfully.

Never "suppose"

We all share the reality that some days are better than others. Since our journey through cancer began, my evaluation at the end of any given day is usually based on cancer related issues. A good health day makes for a good spirit and a bad health day is a spirit breaker. On a bad day it is easy to go to the "suppose I am always going to feel like this" mindset and down the drain goes the spirit.

H.W.S. draws my attention to the perfect antidote for this poisonous attitude when he says, "There is one text that will take all the "supposes" out of a believer's life, if it is received and acted on in child-like faith; it is Hebrews 13:5,6."-H.W.S. (Streams in the Desert).  That text reads, "......and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you or forsake you.'.  So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?'"- Hebrews 13:5,6 (NIV).  So simple, yet so hard to wrap my head around at times along the way.

Carson has run away from home for a few days (with my blessing) so I have time to ponder this beautiful truth uninterrupted.  Maybe this time I will get it once and for all.

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust Him and He will help you."-Psalm 37:4,5 (NLT).

On the health front:

Nothing specific to report other than the usual lack of energy.  Neupogen tomorrow and Tuesday ought to address that issue.  Until then, more opportunities to read.

Happy Anniversary to my dear husband

Today I am thankful and grateful to be here to celebrate the 51st anniversary of marriage to my husband, Carson, formerly known as Chuck.  

Fifty-one years ago we were two young people who came from very different backgrounds and had little in common, but we were committed to forging a future together, come what may. We have learned the truth to King Solomon's words when he wisely said, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other.  Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future."-Ecclesiastes 7:14 (NIV). 

It has been a wild and wonderful ride and through it all God has been at the wheel. Challenges and blessings too numerous to count have combined to form a firm foundation for a very special relationship and my gratitude is beyond words.

Thank you, my dear husband, for fifty-one wonderful years.

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails...."- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV).

On the health front:

Yesterday the Neupogen injections kicked in before my body realized that it had been assaulted once again by chemotherapy so my energy level was up.  This is a day-by-day adventure and yesterday was a pleasant change😊

God's grace

Brennan Manning died recently.  When I read this, a dim light went on in my memory.  Why was his name familiar?

I looked for further information and read that Manning was a former Franciscan priest, author, public speaker and a man who fell fully, completely in love with God's grace.  Among others he wrote a book titled, "The Ragamuffin Gospel:  Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-up and Burnt Out."  It was that book that I had casually skimmed back in 1990 when it was first published.  I would like to think that I've matured in my faith since 1990 and that my journey through cancer has given me the eyes and the heart to give me deeper insight into the beauty of God's grace, so I'm going to really read the book this time.

"To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story; the light side and the dark.  In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God's grace means".  This quote was included in Manning's funeral video and it speaks to his gratitude to his "Abba", as he often called his God. 

Manning knew that he was loved by God not because of any merit of his own, not because of some mysterious test that he had somehow passed, but rather because God had first chosen to love him, Brennan Manning.  It was simply because of God's grace that he was a child of God.  Manning understood the truth of Ephesians 2:8,9 which told him, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves.  It is the gift of God-not by works, so that no man can boast."-(NIV).

I have tried to be honest throughout this personal journey and I know that I have not always been lovable.  I have not always responded to my situation in a manner that is appealing to God.  But it is God's grace, His never ending grace, that gives me the secure knowledge that I will always have His love no matter if I shine or if I fall flat on my face in ugliness.  

Our God is an Awesome God!  ( And for you fellow Rich Mullins fans, it was because of this book that Rich named his band The Ragamuffin Band.)

I'm looking forward to reading The Ragamuffin Gospel with seasoned eyes and a seasoned heart.

On the health front:

Chemotherapy took place as usual and I was told that I would be back on Monday and Tuesday for The Nasty Shots in order to keep chemo treatments on schedule. Ugh!  But....I will do whatever it takes to bring this old body up to speed in order that I might enjoy an active life once again.

Keep praying... and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Encouragement

Yesterday I felt 100 years old, both physically and mentally.  On the verge of discouragement, daughter Jody reminded me that the runner in a marathon crosses the finish line depleted and spent, not fresh and full of energy.  Why should I expect anything different?  Sage advice.

Today two of my readings draw me back into the "be still" mode.  "Let pain and problems remind you of your constant need for Me.....When you encounter trouble of any kind, reach into your arsenal of prayers.....the enemy will retreat and I will draw near."-Sarah Young (Jesus Today).

Psalm 27, one of the magnificent psalms penned by David, highlights David's full confidence in his Lord.  David's enemy had legs, and skin, and horses.  My enemy does not.  David could see his enemy.  I cannot.  But does this hinder God's ability to protect me and to meet my needs?  Of course not!

"Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid.  Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident."-Psalm 27:3 (NLT).  I'll second that!

So, encouragement surrounds me and is there for the taking.  Time to quit whining.

"Wait patiently for The Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for The Lord."-Psalm 27:14 (NLT).

On the health front:

The remnants of the side effects of the two Neupogen injections are still hanging around. Today I get my chemotherapy treatment, leaving only two more until the completion of my therapy.  Good news!

Quiet , please

On the health front:

This week's lab results revealed more discouraging news about my white blood cell count, resulting in the need for two injections of Neupogen before treatment can take place tomorrow.  One of the side effects of Neupogen is bone pain and yesterday's injection resulted in this side effect for the first time.

This is particularly disappointing since this evening was intended to be spent in an enjoyable activity that has been planned for several months.  It's not going to happen for me, unfortunately.

Choosing my blog topic for today hasn't been easy because my spirit is less than quiet.  It took the words of an English Puritan preacher who lived from 1600-1646 to get me refocused:  "Those who are contented are fitted to receive mercy from The Lord."-Jeremiah Burroughs (Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment).

The good preacher points out that a vessel must be held still in order to receive its contents.  He points to the child who is throwing a tantrum and who must be quieted before anything of value can be accomplished.  And then he nails me with his words, "So if we would be vessels to receive God's mercy, and would have The Lord pour His mercy into us, we must have quiet, still hearts.  We must not have hearts hurrying up and down in trouble, discontent and vexing, but still and quiet hearts....".

I am mired in selfishness and disappointment this morning and my mandate is to be still and quiet. This may take a while.

"Be still and know that I am God."-Psalm 46:10a (ESV).

God in the commonplace things

I am looking forward to being treatment free!  There's just no way around it.... I'm flat out excited!

Throughout this journey I have learned many things, and one of the most important is that comfort and hope are to be found in the here and now, in this very moment; that trying to see into the future can rob me of blessings that are right in front of me.  And I believe that this important lesson has been learned. Nevertheless, here I am.....forging ahead mentally to that time in the not so distant future that my life will not revolve around my treatment schedule.

My friend Oswald Chambers brings me back to earth this morning by reminding me that "We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing-that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future.  But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment.  If we have God's assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life."-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest- Updated Edition).

Keep me grounded, Lord, in the commonplace things to be found in the here and now.  I leave my future to You with confidence and gratitude for what You are doing and have done already.  I will do as Paul encourages me to do; "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."-Romans 12:12 (NIV).

On the health front:

I'm awaiting the results of my latest blood test to see if this old body is capable of continuing to defend itself against the assault of chemotherapy.  It shouldn't be all that difficult, should it, to develop some kind of chemo that can take out only the bad guys and leave the good guys alone?

When short on inspiration.....

I slept poorly last night for some unknown reason and it was with a fuzzy brain that I tackled my devotional reading this morning. The written words of those upon whom I have come to depend were not sinking in with their usual clarity.  I had to chuckle when I looked at my "Psalms and Proverbs for the Day" and got a dose of God's sense of humor when I read, "He that hath knowledge spareth his words."-Proverbs 17:27a  (KJV).

Rather than say something stupid or trivial in my post today, I'm going to "spareth my words" and also heed Proverbs 17:28, which says, "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." (NIV).

So, in the immortal words of Porky Pig, "That's all, folks!"

On the health front:

Fuzzy, but fine.

Trimming my branches

I'm being called back into my Father's vineyard this morning where it is cool and refreshing.  I wonder what He will whisper this time.

Well, it's not exactly what I expected.  Personally, I would have preferred soft words of encouragement and gentle teaching but instead I get a dose of discipline.  Ugh!

Wayne Jacobsen paints the picture of a jubilant Spring vineyard, happily and gloriously blooming and shooting sprouts in every direction.  What a beautiful sight that must be!  But is it really beautiful in the hidden places?  Apparently not.

At the base of the plant there are new canes growing, called suckers.  Instead of supporting the mature branches, the suckers are actually drawing nourishment away from them, thus impeding the ability of the mature branch to be fruitful.  Not only must the farmer cut off the suckers, he must be willing to cut off some small clusters of grapes that have grown from them, allowing the remaining clusters to grow to their full maturity.  "The most vital training, however, is that done with the new vines, those just entering their first growing season.  The way the farmer trains these young vines will affect their fruitfulness for years to come."-Wayne Jacobsen (In My Father's Vineyard).  

Am I ready to have my unproductive shoots trimmed in order that my mature branches may become stronger, even if there may be a few grapes attached to them?

God speaks to me daily through His Word and guides me along the path of fruitfulness.  He waters me, floods me with His sunshine and, yes, He prunes away the unproductive shoots in my life. That's how He shows His love to me.  Now that's a loving Father!

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."-Hebrews 12:11 (NIV).

On the health front:

All is well at 7:00 in the morning on this Lord's Day.

The Captain of my ship

This morning I am weary.  We have had an enjoyable but exhausting week and it has taken its toll.

I know better than to be discouraged because I've been here before and this state always passes, but a good reminder of an important reality never hurts:

"You are aboard such a large ship that you would be unable to steer even if your Captain placed you at the helm.  You would not even be able to adjust the sails......Be quiet, dear soul."-Charles Spurgeon.

So today I will take these words to heart. I will be quiet and enjoy the rhythm of the waves as my Captain guides my ship to the port He has chosen for me.

"This is the time and place to rest, to give rest to the weary. This is the place to lay down your burden...." Isaiah  28:12-Eugene Peterson (The Message).

On the health front:

Nothing of importance to report, but I sure am looking forward to getting some of my energy back.